News You Can't Use: Billionaires Shrug Off Volatile Markets for Art Shopping Spree

It's very important that we keep track of and cater to the whims of our billionaires, the wise and noble success stories that work tirelessly for our common good. Whether it's destabilizing some sand box or trying to get more people on narcotics you can rest assured that Uncle Ten Figure has your best interests at heart. But what of their own activities, the life we are told should be the focus of all of our combined envy and admiration? As it turns out various problems hitting the prole sector don't seem to be stopping the art shopping sprees and by art, of course, I mean total and complete garbage.

Art dealer David Kordansky checked his wristwatch nervously. It was 45 minutes into the opening of the Frieze Art Fair and his booth, with large abstract paintings intersected with neon light tubes by Mary Weatherford, was mostly empty.

Nice to see the Solyndra remains are still a money sink for limousine liberals. Or would be, if they'd just show up. Where are you, guy that bet against our currency, got rich, and now indulges his bad taste? Come on marks patrons, get up in this sucker. Maybe I should check that watch again, possibly while displaying the signs of anxiety. Should help.

“I am waiting for the individuals these paintings are on reserve for to show up,” Kordansky said on Tuesday, tapping his timepiece. “Is there a line outside?”

Please tell the unindicted White collar criminals are out there. I'm dying here, man. 

Kordansky didn’t need to worry. Neither the 15-minute line snaking through the fair’s Regent’s Park location nor the roiling financial markets could deter the international jet set from its annual art shopping spree in London.

Wow, what a relief that news is. Now that this real issue has been settled we can focus on minor distractions like how the power just got cut off.

The displayed five paintings by Weatherford sold at the VIP preview, with prices ranging from $120,000 to $220,000.

"You think people will pay that ridiculous price?"

"I only need one."

Billionaire Eli Broad, jeweller Laurence Graff, heiress Nicky Hilton Rothschild and actor Benedict Cumberbatch joined the throngs of established and wannabe collectors who descended on Frieze and its nearby sister fair, Frieze Masters, on this crisp October day.

I suggest you skip Frieze Masters which is full of industrialists, politicians, heiresses that received less than a billion dollars and other commoner scum.

Broad, who navigated the aisles in a wheelchair following back surgery, said he was cautious about the financial markets and bullish about the art market.

All that worthless money we keep printing has to end up somewhere, right?

“The art market is very strong. You’d think there are no troubles anywhere in the world.”

It's almost like the obscenely wealthy live in this fantasy world insulated from reality, but we all know that's not true. Soros wants you blowing dope and living in debt, he obviously has the common touch."

Once I explain the Marxist symbolism behind this ugly monstrosity you'll want to buy.

Established in 2003, Frieze has become one of the world’s leading art fairs, competing with Art Basel and expanding geographically with a Frieze New York edition in May. 

I'm sure we're not telling you anything you didn't already know.

“Sold,” Timothy Blum, co-owner of Blum and Poe, based in Los Angeles, Tokyo and New York, kept telling clients inquiring about a $600,000 painting by Yoshitomo Nara. The gallery also placed a new painting by Takashi Murakami for $1 million.

I don't even like it. I just wanted to acquire it to prove I could and to stave off the inner emptiness.

“It’s a very safe place to go,” said Marianne Boesky. “You are buying quality, not something untested.”

None of this art made of pudding that rapidly decays, not here, no sir.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.