Paperback Hero: May 2014

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

News You Can't Use: Rich Swiss Couple Robbed Churches "For Thrills"

Quality watches. Multipurpose knives. Neutrality. Banks full of Nazi gold. This is Switzerland, as seen through the eyes of an American ignoramus such as myself. Suffice it to say, there's a lot more to this great nation than dodging wars and making delicious milk chocolate. Things like elderly criminals that rob from the Reformed Church in the name of "kicks." Let's examine the incredibly sexy, cool and imitate-able antics of these geriatric anti-heroes.

Two wealthy Swiss seniors arrested for robbing from church collection boxes, told police that their crime spree was just for thrills, justice authorities said Wednesday.

I look forward to the major motion picture where they're portrayed as role models and have about fifty years knocked off their age. This summer "Gone From the Collection Plate in Sixty Seconds!" from the people that brought you "Need for Tithes."

The couple, who prosecutors said were well-heeled, claimed that they were driven by a desire for an adrenalin rush.

Is there a greater thrill than ripping off the on-moved mover? Maybe driving a car slightly faster than the speed limit or True Love, but that's all I can think of.

They had never had a brush with the law before.

...and all they were doing was taking funds that were intended for charitable use! Let 'em off!

The run of thefts began last November, and the couple are estimated to have made off with several hundred Swiss francs.

This is the equivalent of about $10 billion in inflated American funny-money, maybe more.

"Don't even try it, Grandma."

The husband kept watch while his wife stole the money.

It's not exactly "Operation: Swordfish" but it will have to do.

The investigation was continuing, prosecutors said.

"Because we live in a heavily armed, decentralized, isolationist society there's virtually no crime, so we've got plenty of time to waste on this shaggy dog story."

Don't even bother with the ad-laden source. http://news.yahoo.com/rich-swiss-couple-robbed-churches-thrills-police-152850916.html

Komment Korner

They just stole from hipocrites.

Must be democrats.

The list of so-called "victims" keeps getting longer and pretty soon all conversation will come to an end because of forbidden PC words. This is 1984 and "Thought Crime."

Most likely Obama Zombies..........take 'em both out and shoot 'em, the #$%$!!

should have read 50 shades of grey instead

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Sunday, May 25, 2014

News You Can't Use: Riverside Woman Sues Over Her Arrest For Clapping

I often, and I do mean often, wonder how clapping got to be a socially acceptable way of demonstrating approval or admiration. Someone, somewhere, had to decide that hitting the flesh ends together needed to be a societal norm. Everyone else thought it was a good idea, for some reason. It's times like this I wish I was an evolutionary biologist so I could gin up some "just so" explanation about mating pressures and pack cohesion, but since I lack the scrap of paper and willingness to dissemble there's nothing for it. We imitate seals and no one questions it. Except for a city council meeting in Riverside.

If there's one thing I've learned doing these stories it's that formal city meetings don't take no jive.

A woman who was arrested after she repeatedly clapped at a Riverside City Council meeting has filed a federal lawsuit.

I was just trying to get a chant going: "I love zoning!" clap, clap clap. [repeat]

The Riverside Press-Enterprise reports that Letitia Pepper argues her constitutional rights were violated.

Life, liberty and the sacred, god-ordained right to slap your own skins to create annoying noise that resembles a teen boy during a "computer session."

Pepper, a longtime critic of Riverside government, was taken away in handcuffs last June. Authorities say she disrupted the meeting by repeatedly applauding speakers even after being warned by the mayor.

In Soviet America critic applauds for you!

However, she was never criminally charged.

The reward for this sanity was a huge nuisance lawsuit. Now I kinda see the logic in locking up these people.

In a statement, Bailey says the city tries to respect free speech rights at council meeting. He also says meeting rules aim to ensure that city business can be carried out without unnecessary disruptions.

That's a valid point and everything but consider this counter-argument...I want to hit my palms together!

I'm a political critic! This is protected by the first amendment!

Don't visit the ad-riddled source: http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2014/05/23/riverside-woman-sues-over-her-arrest-for-clapping/

Honestly, a page full of b.s. ads that won't stop reloading...this is not change I can believe in.

Komment Korner

More likely she is an acccccctivisssst, like our president.

Any pinko taking a dump on a police car can pretend to be a Tea Party member.

Mayor "Beetle" Bailey is not receptive to opinions unlike his.

Not knowing all the facts makes this a tough call.

This is what the Dimocrats want the whole country to be like.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

News You Can't Use: Are These Mystery Radio Bursts Messages From ALIENS?

Space aliens are bad at communicating. Their current strategies illustrate this well-reasoned fact quite well: abducting and probing rural Americans, using their lasers to carve up our cattle and replacing our leaders with reptile shape-shifters. They apparently don't know what a phone is and so the above nonsense seemed the next best solution. Well, that and radio signals that seem to be just not-random enough to suggest some sort of intelligence.

In 1967 British astronomer Jocelyn Bell Burnell was left stunned by mysterious pulsing signals she detected coming from outside the solar system.

This was the sort of wicked sexy stuff I thought I'd be getting into when I took that "Space for Jocks" elective in college, but instead it was a bunch of math.

For months she suggested the signals could be of an extraterrestrial intelligent origin, but they were later proven to be rapidly spinning stars known as pulsars.

She then faded back into well-deserved obscurity.

However, a new series of mysterious signals, known as Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs), has again got astronomers scratching their heads and wondering if, maybe, we’re picking up alien messages.

"Learning the obvious lessons of incidents from 1967" is not the strong suit of your average professional star-gazer.

The mystery stems from the fact it is not known what could produce such a short and sharp burst.

Let the wild speculation begin! By the time the unbelievably mundane explanation is revealed we'll all get some of that sweet, fleeting "Science Fame."

This has led some to speculate they could be anything from stars colliding to artificially created messages.

Incredibly, the "stars colliding" explanation is arguably even less credible.

The radio emission was so dispersed, experts suggested it must have come from a great distance away, possibly billions of light-years.

My doctorate in "What Seems Possible Studies" lends extra weight to this just-so explanation.

Theories so far include flaring stars, white dwarfs merging, neutron stars colliding and – most intriguingly – alien signals.

Other possibilities include swamp gas, ball lightning, sleep paralysis, you were drunk/high, false memory syndrome, etc.

It would be fantastic if this was an alien signal as the knowledge that we are not alone in this vast universe would have a dramatic impact on our perception of our place in the scheme of things.

"We could start blaming the E.T. people for not preventing World War 2 and so on!"

It will take further studies and observations in future to truly determine where they come from, and what is causing them. Until then, it’s difficult to rule any particular theory out of the window.

Because a theory is an idea without physical substance and as such can't be put through windows.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

aliens dont exist, stop researching this and keep it hidden from the public

Silly atheist scientists, God only created life on one planet.

How can anyone believe in such rubbish. It's just a page fillet

We thought once that there was only this planet

I believe the aliens and martians can see how weak OBAMA is and are planning to attack.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

News You Can't Use: Florida High School Coach Allegedly Stole $950 From Players' Wallets

Ever wonder what Coach was doing while you had to run those two laps around the school for failing to show enough hustle during practice? If you answered "probably stealin' my stuff" you're both a deeply cynical individual and right on the money, as is common for people with your condition. Yes, the man entrusted to loosen the hips and bring out the "Southern Speed" in young people was more concerned about stealing any spare change they might have. Even the 3-3-5 defense couldn't save you from that.

A Florida high school football coach has been arrested after authorities say he repeatedly stole money from students' wallets.

This was the least serious crime committed by a teacher this month, but it's still bad. I guess.

Volusia County sheriff's officials said they used invisible luminescent powder sprinkled on decoy money to catch Rodney Barnes.

In other, unrelated news football season was cancelled when half the team developed severe radiation sickness. Still, it was worth it to stop Coach Dipshit from taking my soda money!

Authorities said nine students lost $950, but they expect those numbers to rise as the investigation continues.

Yeah, that number should go up by a lot as every student "remembers" the gold bars, Meng vases and Picasso paintings that were in their "street clothes."

After several thefts in the boys' locker room, the school bought an ultraviolet theft detection kit and the sheriff's office launched "Operation Sticky Fingers."

Not to be confused with last month's "Operation Sticky Fingers" which involved drilling several peep-holes into the girls' locker room.

He's got that certain "look of failure" that identifies him as a Gym teacher.

A student was given a wallet containing $141 and each bill was coated with luminescent powder. After some of the money was taken, officials search students for traces of the powder.

As long as you don't search my nostrils, I'll be fine.

Forty-three year-old Barnes admitted taking the money and confessed to several other thefts.

At the present moment we're getting him to confess to numerous unsolved murders. We'll clear out our entire case file with this poor sucker!

He was charged Monday with burglary and grand theft.

Look for the exciting new EA Sports/Rockstar crossover title "Grand Theft Football Coach" in stores soon!

Full Story.

Komment Korner

Joe, I'm sorry to report that you're a schmuck.

Hillary is at least bi!!!!

How come nobody is blaming Obama?

I had no idea Will Ferrel doubled as a coach.

This is Jimmy "Check Book" Carters mistake.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Which Way Books #10: Invasion of the Black Slime

Last time out the original jewel quest ended in a French shake-down room. For those who keep asking, the shake-down room is where you get, well, shook down. I've decided to take a short break from Choose Your Own Adventure to try a Which Way Book. I actually have a pretty good recollection of this one from my childhood and have wanted to review it for awhile. Yes, I will try to be more industrious with finishing all the Choose Your Own Adventure books. Believe me, I really don't want to be writing a review of "Master of Kung Fu" or "Behind the Wheel" the day before I go before an Obamacare Elderly Death Panel, but I think this short digression is worth it.

Scheduled review date: May, 2071.

Which Way is actually not a cheap knock-off, but the direct lineal descendent from some of the first interactive books, along with Choose Your Own Adventure. It was published by Simon & Schuster (!), had a tie-in with Star Trek and produced numerous other spin-offs. This stuff was serious business back then. Interestingly, Edward Packard's Sugarcane Island, possibly the first book of this kind, was published in this series before being released as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. All right, I think that's enough history for now. You're here for the endless comedic references to Westworld and 1984, not for a detailed dissertation on a subject that no longer holds even the slightest relevance.

Enjoy your nightmares, kids.

This is another horror entry, which as I've noted many times, is the one genre that seems impossible to mess up, even for these books. Why the same generally serious tone, absence of odious "comic" relief, minimal far-left wing political ranting and adequate descriptive prose couldn't be applied to stories about the vast emptiness of space or the evils of rural America remains a mystery. For whatever reason "this must be scary": activates hidden reserves of non-sucking power in writers.

Well, unless that writer is Dean Koontz.

I'm on a bicycle tour of what appears to be the Rocky Mountains, although a location is never specified. My ten day journey has taken me to the outskirts of a town called "Silverlode." Here I encounter another youth who serves as a plot device to launch the story, admirably fulfilling the expected "It's got a death curse!" warning while also offering up two alternative story lines. The summary is that weird things involving the titular slime are going down in the town. Two people were murdered and no one cared, we are told. Welcome to Detroit's sister city, I guess.

Mr. Plot Dump Jr. is instead going to his Uncle's house, which now serves as a modern version of the Deathtrap Dungeon, offering a Million dollars, which used to be a lot of money, to anyone that can survive its horrors. Yeah, that sounds a lot safer than the town. There's also a doctor who lost his son to a car accident and is probably trying to get all re-animator on that situation, so I could go check that out if people that casually kill each other and Crazy Uncle's House of Death aren't calling out to me.

I decide to go into town anyway, deciding that all this black slime talk is an exaggeration of what's probably a moderately serious incident, at worst. Yeah, there's probably some slime issues and maybe a few people have been body-snatched or whatever, but I came here to see small town America and it's going to happen. The insidious corruption of a small town is just going to have to wait until I take a bunch of selfies while standing in front of the giant rubber band ball and so on.

Everything seems normal enough. I hit a burger joint for some much needed fats and simple sugars and observe no strange behavior. Well, everyone is wearing sunglasses, but I chalk that up to some sort of fad. Yeah, remember that big tinted lenses trend that came and went? It certainly had no staying power. Everyone's into monocles now, or will be by the time you read this, areas of the U.S. that aren't on the coasts.

Keeping track of the visions in my eyes.

I hit the hotel and get some rest, reflecting on how much better this is than sleeping in a bag on the ground. Yes, I'm a child traveling alone, sleeping outdoors, staying in hotels...parenting was apparently a lot different back when "zero tolerance" wasn't a thing yet.

I decide to look around the town, slipping on some cool shades so I'll fit in better. Well, now I see why I'm allowed to travel alone at such a tender age. I'm a natural at fitting in and adapting to situations. Maybe next year South Sudan or the Ukraine.

Visit beautiful Chernobyl! Also, everything you saw on the news is a lie.

People watching ends when I literally become part of the mob, being told "it's time!" Good thing I've got that brilliant disguise. I'm hustled into the town hall just in time for the unveiling of something moving under a giant tarp. Yeah, this is not going to end well. What's in there is, of course, the Black Slime. It starts quivering and throwing out tentacles. "It's trying to tell us something!" declares the leader of the cult I managed to infiltrate via my careful attention to what's hot in the realm of eye covering.

Then I get splattered with a blast of dark muck, revealing me as an outsider and evil, evil non-believer. I'm given a choice to run or just sit there and let the crowd and sentient darkness have it's way with me. I run.

This reminds me of a quote Grandpa, for some reason. No, it's not "Son, if you're ever confronted by an alien horror that defies the generally accepted laws of biology and the insane human acolytes that worship it, hit the bricks." but is instead a pithy line about the need to "run like the dickens." Yup, that's an old person all right.

The regular cartoonist will be back next week, please stop sending in complaints.

This clever plan works, I wash the slime off, grab the bike and say goodbye to this town gone mad. Or do I? I'm given the option to try one of the other two plot lines. What is this, the Race Forever? How about "no."

You wouldn't know it from my run, but this book actually creates some pretty scary situations and has some disturbing illustrations that add to that mood. On the down side, it reads like three failed short stories shoe-horned into this format with mixed results. In the Uncle's house branch there's seventeen straight pages without a choice! Granted, these pages are packed with atmosphere and grotesque images, but it's not exactly interactive. This is this one's biggest failing, the limited agency. As far as bringing the bad dream petrol, it gets the job done easily.

Sleep well, kids!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

News You Can't Use: Florida Man Demands Right to Wed Computer

Love, and more specifically the state of being "in" love, is the most important thing in the world. It should be celebrated while the horrified onlookers at least have the common courtesy to disguise their visceral disgust. And, as Frank Sinatra would tell you if he wasn't dead, love and marriage must go together. You can probably already see the smoking train wreck that this kind of mush-think leads to, but since you're not in charge of official policy, forget you. I'm marrying a computer.

Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.

You had to know it was going to be one of those Mac people. Seriously, was there any doubt? No one wants to marry a Microsoft product, sorry.

Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.

Sure, whatever, let me stamp your hand.

Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.

Based on the financial might of the Fornication-Industrial complex it would appear that this puts you in the sexual majority, actually.

“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.

If we ever change the motto on the dollar bill, this gets my vote for the new one.

Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.

"When I was over there, in some foreign land, defending a people that hated me, trying to live one more day, it was my love for electronic onanism that kept me going. Getting back to my beloved computer, loading facial-destruction videos and self-abusing like a madman...that's what saved my life in that horrible war."

The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is this some sort of reductio ad absurdum? It better not be!

The bigoted, evil counter-position from the religious fundamentalist monsters.

If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.

This is a lot less fun to comment on when it turns into an obvious allegory that's supposed to make some sort of hard to grasp (LOL HARD, see still funny, haw haw) point.

Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.

For some obscure reason it didn't happen.

"There's no law against it!"

"Actually there is. It's right here in the very first paragraph."

"Oh."

Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.

Looks like that Chinese "One Child Policy" is working out great.

“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

"Westworld is not a threat to the family unit, and besides, nothing could possibly go wrong."

Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.

Somehow keeping a straight face while you described your future wedded bliss hammering the bishop to Fem Dom J.O. instruction videos might have helped.

Full Story.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

News You Can't Use: Miami Teen Arrested for Hacking Computers to Change Grades

There was a time when hackers were cool. They'd almost start World War 3, but then convince the computer it would be unwinnable at the last possible moment, that sort of thing. It started to lose luster when it became someone clattering away on keys to do the impossible while the rest of the team shouted slogans like "Come on, hurry" and "Only sixty seconds left!" Then, the "epic fail," if you will. Virus creation. "We'll hack Goldman Sachs for The People!" followed by the George Soros money being cut off and imprisonment. Changing high school grades, as if anyone cares. Yeah, we've come a long way from that amazing world of wonder depicted in "War Games."

A Miami high school student is facing felony charges after allegedly hacking into his school website and changing students' grades, according to WFOR-TV in Miami.

Why yes, your glorified Senior Prank is a felony. Would you like to share a cell with a murderer, a rapist, or take a chance on the mystery criminal?

According to WFOR-TV, Bautista was able to hack into the school computers and change the grades for himself and four other students.

This caused literally minutes of inconvenience changing them back.

The principal at Dr. Michael M. Krop Senior High School turned over Bautista to the police on Thursday, after the student reportedly gave him a written confession.

Instead of "well you confessed and clearly learned your lesson" it's off to the Toilet One Foot From the Bed Hotel. I knew making it impossible for educators to use their own discretion was a good idea, now we see just how good.

A video of Bautista's court appearance showed the high school senior fidgeting in an orange jumpsuit as the charges against him were read.

Fidgeting. The gateway drug that leads to every other form of moral turpitude. Slouching, mumbling and whispering also fall into that category.

His aunt and grandfather told WFOR-TV, he's a hardworking student and a good kid.

Hopefully those are actually two different people.

All kids are good, after all. Until they act up. Then justice must come down with the force of an anvil made of depleted uranium.

Bautista was a senior and scheduled to graduate within a few weeks. The Miami-Dade School District sent a statement to WFOR-TV which said "expulsion" was still a possibility.

"A meteor striking the school is also still a possibility."

Now to change that embarrassing "B+" and restore my 5.25 GPA.

"The school district takes incidents like this very seriously. In addition to the arrest and ongoing criminal investigation, the Code of Student Conduct provides for corrective strategies up to and including recommendation for expulsion," read the statement.

"You are listening to a recording," it also stated.

Calls to numbers listed as his family members were not answered.

Attempts to hack into the family computer are still ongoing.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source. http://abcnews.go.com/US/miami-teen-arrested-hacking-computers-change-grades/story?id=23577368

Komment Korner

Hey. maybe he can fix the ACA.

If he were smart, he wouldn't have to change his grades

Everybody gets a trophy.....or steals one.

This woman looks like a man.

He should get an "A" in hacking. Or is it all Pass/Not Pass now?