News You Can't Use: Florida Man Demands Right to Wed Computer

Love, and more specifically the state of being "in" love, is the most important thing in the world. It should be celebrated while the horrified onlookers at least have the common courtesy to disguise their visceral disgust. And, as Frank Sinatra would tell you if he wasn't dead, love and marriage must go together. You can probably already see the smoking train wreck that this kind of mush-think leads to, but since you're not in charge of official policy, forget you. I'm marrying a computer.

Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.

You had to know it was going to be one of those Mac people. Seriously, was there any doubt? No one wants to marry a Microsoft product, sorry.

Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.

Sure, whatever, let me stamp your hand.

Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.

Based on the financial might of the Fornication-Industrial complex it would appear that this puts you in the sexual majority, actually.

“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.

If we ever change the motto on the dollar bill, this gets my vote for the new one.

Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.

"When I was over there, in some foreign land, defending a people that hated me, trying to live one more day, it was my love for electronic onanism that kept me going. Getting back to my beloved computer, loading facial-destruction videos and self-abusing like a madman...that's what saved my life in that horrible war."

The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is this some sort of reductio ad absurdum? It better not be!

The bigoted, evil counter-position from the religious fundamentalist monsters.

If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.

This is a lot less fun to comment on when it turns into an obvious allegory that's supposed to make some sort of hard to grasp (LOL HARD, see still funny, haw haw) point.

Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.

For some obscure reason it didn't happen.

"There's no law against it!" 

"Actually there is. It's right here in the very first paragraph."

"Oh."

Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.

Looks like that Chinese "One Child Policy" is working out great.

“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

"Westworld is not a threat to the family unit, and besides, nothing could possibly go wrong."

Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.

Somehow keeping a straight face while you described your future wedded bliss hammering the bishop to Fem Dom J.O. instruction videos might have helped.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

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