Wednesday, May 14, 2014

News You Can't Use: Florida High School Coach Allegedly Stole $950 From Players' Wallets

Ever wonder what Coach was doing while you had to run those two laps around the school for failing to show enough hustle during practice? If you answered "probably stealin' my stuff" you're both a deeply cynical individual and right on the money, as is common for people with your condition. Yes, the man entrusted to loosen the hips and bring out the "Southern Speed" in young people was more concerned about stealing any spare change they might have. Even the 3-3-5 defense couldn't save you from that.

A Florida high school football coach has been arrested after authorities say he repeatedly stole money from students' wallets.

This was the least serious crime committed by a teacher this month, but it's still bad. I guess.

Volusia County sheriff's officials said they used invisible luminescent powder sprinkled on decoy money to catch Rodney Barnes.

In other, unrelated news football season was cancelled when half the team developed severe radiation sickness. Still, it was worth it to stop Coach Dipshit from taking my soda money!

Authorities said nine students lost $950, but they expect those numbers to rise as the investigation continues.

Yeah, that number should go up by a lot as every student "remembers" the gold bars, Meng vases and Picasso paintings that were in their "street clothes."

After several thefts in the boys' locker room, the school bought an ultraviolet theft detection kit and the sheriff's office launched "Operation Sticky Fingers."

Not to be confused with last month's "Operation Sticky Fingers" which involved drilling several peep-holes into the girls' locker room.

He's got that certain "look of failure" that identifies him as a Gym teacher.

A student was given a wallet containing $141 and each bill was coated with luminescent powder. After some of the money was taken, officials search students for traces of the powder.

As long as you don't search my nostrils, I'll be fine.

Forty-three year-old Barnes admitted taking the money and confessed to several other thefts.

At the present moment we're getting him to confess to numerous unsolved murders. We'll clear out our entire case file with this poor sucker!

He was charged Monday with burglary and grand theft.

Look for the exciting new EA Sports/Rockstar crossover title "Grand Theft Football Coach" in stores soon!

Komment Korner  

Joe, I'm sorry to report that you're a schmuck.

Hillary is at least bi!!!!

How come nobody is blaming Obama?

I had no idea Will Ferrel doubled as a coach.

This is Jimmy "Check Book" Carters mistake.

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