How will history remember the last arbitrarily numbered revolution around our cold and merciless sun? Will future wine lovers look at these magical four digits on a bottle, shake their heads and say "Lousy year?" Will history books fondly recall it as part of the apology and groveling era? And what of the average peasant, caught up in this amazing experiment in attempting to parse the passage of time? Let's just say they're very eager to start using a new number and pretending that somehow changes things.
Overshadowed by the bungled debut of Obamacare and congressional gridlock, most Americans in a new poll dubbed 2013 a bad year that will be quickly forgotten.
Thanks to the traditional number replacement ceremony, featuring copious amounts of alcoholic drink, that whole forgetting process should be a cinch. Gulp, glug, cough, Obamacare fading into mist as the brain cells are destroyed. Join us, it's paradise.
“Put simply, most Americans are happy to see 2013 go,” said the latest Economist/YouGov Poll.
"All our losing sports team needs to do is change its name and/or logo and it will instantly get better!"
How could something with a logo this righteous fail so hard?
54 percent called 2013 a “bad year” for the world. Another 15 percent called it a “very bad year"
I guess we just remember the negative, the evil lives forever while all the good goes to the grave. I mean, what about all those excellent scripted comedies on the television? That has to count for something.
There are almost no issues where a majority of Americans have seen improvement.
Being the world's leader in incorrect answers on standardized math examinations, slip 'n' fall lawsuits and carbonated beverage consumption counts for a lot less than it used to, obviously.
Yes,but some amazing scientific discoveries were made in 2013.The most amazing story is when they announced they had found a liberal in New Jersey who actually had a piece of a brain.
Welcome to 1938 Germany.
Obama was not re-elected.
You're a self-centered asss who thinks you're a lot more important inside your little mind, than the country as a whole.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here
Independent thought is bad for you. It gets especially bad when you decide your so-called "ideas" should be shared with others. As an owner of a major corporation (this blog's target demographic and main readership) you have probably already encountered this problem and the messy sacrificial firings and rehearsed apologies that become necessary when your human units decide it's okay to make a joke or express an opinion or worse try to do both of those at once, on the information highway.
So far the most common counter-measure to this massive problem has been appealing to human agency, specifically telling the thralls "Don't go posting offensive things." It works about as well as you'd expect. The average person's inner thoughts are a lot like biological waste in a paper bag. Yeah, the bag might work for awhile, but eventually the vile contents are going to come leaking through in the form of Wrong Speech published on Twitter. Sure, you can then punish, which is a noble and patriotic act, but it just isn't a cost effective long term solution to Ungood Thought.
This is where I come in.
I will help you leverage your strategic "pretending everything is fine" competencies.
For the reasonable fee of $250k per year per account (gold bullion only, no federal reserve funny money, please) I will take over the twitter accounts of the adult babies who represent your executive team and begin churning out a steady supply of inoffensive drivel. No more worrying if the Vice President is suddenly going to grow a sense of humor with disastrous results. No more fear that someone will notice the world's problems and comment on them. For less than the cost of your average yearly bonus I will put a stop to the plague of self-expression. You won't even notice it's gone, other than the fact that you're suddenly not groveling for forgiveness any more.
Sample composite, actual submissions may vary.
You might react with "I don't need this service, anyone can figure this out." First of all, you're thinking again, which is wrong and a crime. Secondly, pick up an online newspaper. Every day someone is committing career suicide by First Amendment, even the most trustworthy. Being inoffensive and respectful to all 5,184 recognized victim groups is harder than it looks. You might think you're doing it right when you "tweet" things like "Thank goodness I was born White" or "Man, that Hitler had some good ideas." but believe it or not those are actually potential trouble. As acceptable as they might seem when you're hitting that blue button after a night booze and pills you're going to wake up in a world of hurt.
Just let me handle it. It's easier to just swallow that 140 character burst of Evil Words via a third party than it is to try to explain it away after the fact, when it's too late.
Your money (gold only, please) buys peace of mind.
I'm expecting a massive response, so you're going to want to act right now. First come, first served, you know the drill. I will help you win the victory over yourself. You will learn to love Big Twitter.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here
Teenage girls don’t believe in fairy tales, and sixteen-year-old Elena Watkins was no different.
Until the night a fairy tale killed her father.
Now Elena is in a new world, and a new school. The cutest guy around may be an evil dragon, a prince wants Elena’s heart, and a long dead sorcerer may be waking up to kill her. Oh and the only way Elena’s going to graduate is on the back of a dragon of her own.
Teenage girls don’t believe in fairy tales. Now it’s time for Elena to believe in…herself.
Author Bio:
Adrienne Woods
I was born and raised in South Africa, where I still live with my husband, and two beautiful little girls. I always knew that I was going to be a writer but it only started to happen about four years ago, now I can’t stop writing.
In my free time, If I get any because Moms don’t really have free time, I love to spend time with friends, if it’s a girls night out, or just a movie, I’m a very chilled person.
My writing career is starting with Firebolt, book one with the Dragonian Series, there will be four books in total and two to three books that is about the stories taking place inside The Dragonian Series.
I do write in different Genres, I have a woman’s fiction called the Pregnancy Diaries, but it would be published under another name. And then I have a paranormal series, called the Watercress series. There are about ten novels in that one.
So, plenty of novels to come out, so little time.
I hope you are going to embrace the Dragonian Series as much as I loved writing them.
A: Well, Elena is sixteen, almost seventeen. Her entire life had been a blur of places. Her father moved them around every three months. The fact that he never shared the reason why they keep moving, and not having a place to call home leaves her a bit insecure. She does grow through this novel, but in the beginning she’s a bit emotional with everything that’s happening to her.
2. In your opinion, what makes a good, strong female lead?
She’s got to have flaws. There is no human being in this entire world that is perfect. I tried my best to make Elena that way. She’s not perfect, in the beginning a bit of a softy, but through determination, dreams, hope, and fear she overcomes whatever she had to in this book. The more real they are, the stronger they are. I hope that makes sense. I don’t like characters that are just so perfect. Nobody is perfect.
3. What was your favorite scene to write?
Everything. I didn’t struggle with writing this book. If I had to choose it would be between Becky getting her gift of lightning or when Elena faces whatever hides in the Sacred Cavern alone. It’s a tie.
4. What is your favorite thing about writing?
Getting lost in your world and spending time with your characters. Once I’m in it’s hard to get me out.
5. What is the best advice you’ve been given?
Never give up. There were so many times that I wanted to burn my manuscript. Not that I hated it or anything, but that it just didn’t happen. Everyone around me just told me to keep going. It’s the hardest thing to do when you just want to give up, but it’s worth it.
6. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Not a writer. Hehe. So many things. I was one of those kids that changed my mind every month. An author was one of them, but never did I imagine I would end up just wanting to be a writer. I love it.
7. Hard/paperbacks or ebooks?
I love books. I do have an e-reader, and I must say it’s very convenient to have one. It’s much easier to buy books for e-readers. But an actual book, the smell and the texture of having one in your hand will never beat an e-reader.
8. What book are you reading now?
Plenty, I am a blogger myself, reviewing books for other authors. I do believe that paying it forward is the best way to do this.
The Decending Darkness by Michael Chulsky
City of Bones, by Casandra Clare (this one’s for fun and I’m a bit of a late bloomer)
Greenshirt of Barbara Monier.
The Lost Voice by Allison Agius.
I usually read about four to five books at once.
Thank you again for having me here today Aaron, and to the readers, I hope you are going to love Firebolt as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Guns, war and defending yourself are bad. "Troops," the wars they fight and the police state are good. We must doublethink this, and punish small children who struggle with these two contradictory ideas. A 5-year-old boy was reportedly suspended from school after making a gun gesture with his hand on the playground.
Time to punish some of that "Hand Crime." Considering the usual overreactions this half-pint got off pretty light. I mean, what, no being placed on that terrorist watch and/or severe audit for life list?
His father, David Hendrix, was furious when he found out his son was issued a suspension for the gesture.
We can't punish him for getting angry.
Yet.
“He was playing army on the playground,” Hendrix told WBTV. “I just felt like the punishment was way too severe.”
What the rug-rat did was wrong, after all. The punishment was just too much. Maybe next time just thirty minutes locked in a closet or putting a life-ruining note in the permanent record or some combination of that. The boy was issued a one day in-school suspension from his kindergarten class at Pinewood Elementary School.
See, this is why we're having so much trouble closing the "hide-and-seek" gap with other industrialized nations. To say nothing of valuable "skipping" and "opening milk container" skills that will inevitably deteriorate during this exile.
“I requested an immediate meeting that night with him myself and the school board, at their pleasure, anytime that night. And at that point they decided it was not worth the effort, not worth the headache and dropped everything right then and there,” Hendrix told WBTV.
My love of laziness versus my love of Soviet-style authoritarianism...which will win out?
Put him in jail!
In the school’s handbook, there is no mention of punishment for making a ‘gun gesture’ with your hand, WBTV reported. Calls made by WBTV to the school went unanswered.
Some paper-pusher used his or her own discretion with predictable disastrous results. Now it's time to use those 43rd among First World Nations hiding skills until this whole ugly thing goes away.
Do not visit the typical "CBS" mess of a website. It's true, all you "C" is "BS." http://charlotte.cbslocal.com/2013/12/17/5-year-old-suspended-for-making-gun-gesture-with-hand/
Komment Korner
He will now grow up with a fear of joining the Military.
Democrats are as dumb as a bag of hammers. Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum I love to see threats from the nameless/faceless. Finger NAZI - "No finger bullets for YOU!"
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
Having conversations with other human beings is difficult to the point where I'd be willing to take advice from even the most annoying huckster just to make it a little more manageable. When there's the promise of actually violating the natural laws of our clockwork universe via four easy replies, well you'd be a fool not to spend as much time and money as possible on this guy's "system." No more struggling to actually share common humanity, instead I'm going to run roughshod over polite interactions by utilizing preplanned language, like a very simple and poorly programmed social robot.
We meet the Wizard who will be teaching us the social legerdemain and unfortunately he's one of those annoying "Say it with me!" and "Yay, Enron!" presenters you've come to know and hate if you've ever had the misfortune of attending business seminars. If you haven't, let's just say this guy has some serious punch appeal and leave it at that. He's already in full coked-up goofball mode when we start the video, making smarmy statements that equate the spoken word to "duct tape" and then yelling "Magic!" like the world's least likable mental patient. I'm sure his audience, who must already feel like suckers for attending this thing in the first place, is enjoying having their remaining dignity stripped away by this clown.
If you follow my system, you, too, can bang seven gram rocks.
Now we get some crazy promises that these "magic phrases" can be used as a universal response to absolutely anything. Maybe not a good response, or even one that doesn't make me want to hit this goof right in the center of his face, but a response regardless. We get this weird, almost new age bit about "validating" others, which seems kind of out of place in seminar on how to give various automated responses that are all basically euphemisms for "Go to hell."
They all start with "That's interesting!" I guess it's possible to be more patronizing, but it would probably require years of work by a douche-bag version of the Manhattan Project to achieve that. Seems unnecessary, when such a powerful conventional weapon is already available.
We now get one of four ways to complete the magical phrase and it's "Tell me more!" Bonus points for delivering it in a monotone while looking off into the distance, I guess. I just don't understand why the magic isn't working. Probably because I don't believe in it strong enough. He then goes all drill sergeant and makes the audience repeat it over and over complete with "Louder!" and "Show me your negotiation face! Arrrggggghhhhhh! That's a negotiation face!"
It's really a commentary on the power that maintaining a relatively comfortable and stable life has over the individual, considering no one wraps a pool cue around this guy's head or something similar. The urge must have been overwhelming.
"If you leave here, if you survive, you will be High Priests of Capitalism praying for profits."
We are told this phrase gets our unlikable instructor out of many "pickles." Somehow I don't have any problem believing that he's constantly making enemies and getting into bad situations. However, it isn't a perfect fix, always, which is why we have three other stock lines, after all. We get them all at once "Why would you say/do/ask that?" Yes, when we're not patronizing like a m.f. we can call into question the other person's behavior and then declare victory, hopefully from a safe distance.
How could it fail? We're told the sometimes people are less than "honorable" toward us and instead of being all "That's interesting, Sir Knight. Why would you say that?" our ego responds instead of our mechanized reply system. The conversation conjurer equates it to the effect of "chemicals in the body," which at least I believe he'd know a thing or two about, specifically going up the nasal passages and then hitting the brain.
A sound that indicates agreement rises from the crowd as he discusses emotional overreaction, just another little reminder that we live in an angry nation full of people ready to snap at the slightest provocation. He then compares others to "energy vampires" and mentions how questioning someone's motives can remove the "invisibility cloak." Your bizarre, paranoid analogies are interesting, tell me more.
We jump ahead to trying to apply this verbal wooden stake to a hypothetical situation involving those energy vampires. Specifically, people asking you "When you getting married?" You know, I thought we were learning tips on making those big profits rather than papering over your embarrassing personal life.
That's interesting, why would you say that?
After that brief digression into this guy's confirmed bachelorhood it's back to commanding your work kollectiv. We're told to keep our cool in the face of the occasional pathetic dissent from the last men and women we own and control. He calls the successful defusing of these attempts at free agency a "verbal karate kick" and even simulates the physical equivalent. I'm having Todd Bentley flashbacks.
"That's interesting, what's your style?"
It's almost time for lunch, so we have to wrap it up. We're encouraged to send e-mails, because it's a computer wonder age. He offers to hang with us during the midday face-stuff and declares this audience one of the best ever. "I was in Chicago (Boo!) last week and I thought they knew how to parrot phrases there...but NOBODY regurgitates the drivel I teach like King of Prussia, Pennsylvania!"
A little more crowd-pleasing and we're done. I think we can all agree that this video was interesting.
Komment Korner, That's interesting, why would you say that? edition
Is this satire?
the taste in his mouth is certainly not anger, rrrrright?
In Norwegian the same words would send very different signals .. =)
Does it work with women when they like to talk to you about bullshit
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
The biggest thing on 15-year-old Tommy's mind is convincing
Mom to let him go to the drive-in, but when an accident claims his mother's
life and puts him in the hospital, the arrival of his estranged, alien father
brings more changes than he had bargained for. It doesn't take his father long
to figure out that Tommy knows nothing about who or what he is. Without any
explanation, Tommy finds himself onboard his father's spaceship where he is
forced to trust a man he does not know in a world he knows even less about.
Adapting to his new life seems overwhelming, and his
father's solution may prove to be Tommy's finest challenge yet...Jayden. A few
months younger than Tommy, high strung and always in a mood, the doctor's
daughter definitely didn't like being 'told' to help Tommy fit in. Jayden is
not the most welcoming or patient of tutors, let alone a friend. As fate would
have it, Tommy quickly learns that none of these things compare to the peril
that comes from being born with amethyst eyes.
Over the years I have worked as a nurse, a school teacher, a
martial arts instructor, baseball, figure-skating and gymnastics coach as well
as an artist, selling my paintings in an art gallery. I have been part of an
orchestra, flown planes and gone on wilderness hikes. I am an officer in the
Canadian Forces, and though I have taught on different military bases, for now
I work primarily with cadets. Writing full time is my next goal.
The other day I came across someone who mentioned going into a bookstore and never giving a second thought to what was involved in the “from writer’s desk to bookstore shelf” process. I had never thought about it before, either.
An enormous amount of work goes into writing a book, and unfortunately, even more work is required once you intend to market that book, (regardless of how the book is published).
Do you remember, “If you build it, they will come”? As an author, the it does NOT refer to your book. Think about it…you wrote a book. Why haven’t people started knocking on your door, asking for a copy? Why haven’t bookstores called, sent letters or emails hoping they could have copies on their shelves? In reality, the it refers to your author platform. If you don’t get out there and tell the world about your product, no one will know and no one will buy. When a car company comes out with a new design, they shout it out to the world through television, newspaper, internet, radio, flyers, and any other way necessary to market their new product. They have the power and means to reach out to millions of people. What are you doing about your book?
You need an author platform.
Your author platform is just that, a ‘platform’, made to raise you above the others, to make you visible. Maintaining it will soon become a 20 hour/week job. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you need a media kit. You need to create an author and/or a book page on facebook. You should have a blog, a website, use twitter, (and LinkedIn if you are a professional, writing non-fiction). Then there are press releases, radio and television, book signings and author presentations…to name a few.
Now, keep this in mind…It is important to create a professional image. It is important to pace yourself so you can create and keep up with your posts and activities in a professional manner. Don’t over-promote yourself. Experts claim 10-20% of your blogs/promotions should be about self-promotion. Vary your subjects/topics on your blog/posts/tweets…promote others, talk about book related topics, review other books, have people participate in discussions, share what you’re working on, share personal snippets and anecdotes, but don’t keep throwing your book in peoples face daily…get creative, have fun, be real. You don’t want to be like that salesman who jumps on a customer before he door has even closed. Don't be an annoying salesman...have fun being an author.
What would it take to get thrown out of a Walmart and told to never return? I always assumed it would be impossible, on par with a leper colony taking you aside and saying "You're rotting away too quickly even for us and the other doomed wretches don't like it. You have to leave." In an alarming recent trend, my ignorance-fueled hate ideas are wrong again. All it takes, apparently, is being too obnoxious in asking the giant box merchant to obey its own rules.
An Arizona man and possibly Walmart’s biggest fan found out that taking the company’s ad-matching promises a bit too far can get you banned from every store for the rest of your life.
Ever notice that the "biggest fan" of any given object or person always seems to end up trying to kill/destroy the object of their "affection?" I'm just sayin'. If anyone ever says "I'm your biggest fan!" I'm running like hell before they try to flay off my skin and wear it or get all aggressive asking for discounts or whatever.
Joe Cantrell, of San Tan Valley, Ariz., said he was handcuffed, humiliated and banned from every Walmart in the world following a dispute about Christmas ornament ad-matching at the store that he visits at least twice every day, KNXV-TV reports.
Twice a day in the retail equivalent of a malignant tumor. What a rich life you lead, sir. And yes, every single one in the world. Right now they're putting this guy's picture up over the door of the newest store in N'Djamena, Chad with instructions in French, Literary Arabic and all 120 tribal dialects not to let this ornament ad-matching lunatic in. “I was handcuffed, humiliated and embarrassed in front of everybody at Walmart,” Cantrell told KNXV. “I just love Walmart and that’s why I go.”
Why do we always hurt the ones we love, even when that unrequited affection is a massive corporation with a horrific record of abuses? He just wanted to save a dime on a tacky Winter Season star made in Bangladesh. Don't need no bracelets in front of my back/Just get my discount, 'til then cut me some slack. However, last week, Cantrell had local police called on him after complaining to store management that an employee had refused an ad-match for Christmas ornaments. Man, can't wait to get that dream job in entry level retail so I can get in on some of this.
This image makes zero sense, but you hate Walmart, right? Right?
When he returned to the store four days later, three deputies reportedly cuffed him, gave him a court summons, and a notice of restriction that bans him from every Walmart on earth, for life.
He was then stripped of his Los Angeles privileges, given a curse that will cause all domesticated animals to become hostile and permanently dyed light blue. Yes, "deputies" have the authority to do all these things, you really should have read all 700,000 pages of that "protect our liberty" legislation.
Walmart’s ad match guarantee states: “We’re committed to providing low prices every day. On everything. So if you find a lower advertised price on an identical product, tell us and we’ll match it. Right at the register.”
There's committed and then there's, well, committed.
In a statement provided to KNXV on Tuesday, Walmart responded to the situation: “We make every effort to make sure our customers have a good experience in our stores. As in previous situations, we attempted to work with this customer. However, in this situation, the associate felt unsafe and so we contacted local law enforcement. We are continuing to cooperate with law enforcement on their investigation.”
"When you are so out of pocket that even we are forced to care about the fate of our worker drones you've really fudged up. Also, everyone else please go back to consuming and don't go making a scene over this."
And after being a professional wrestler for eight years, Cantrell said he suffers from a series of injuries that keep him from making the money he could in the past.
"Well you know something brother, this box retailer is gonna pay. Whatcha gonna do, when ad-matching to the point of a minor mental illness runs wild on YOU!!!!"
“Sorry I get a little emotional about this because I’m disabled,” he told the station. “I felt shamed. I felt like I was the bad guy. And I know I’m not a bad guy.”
"I know this because the pro wrestling script specifically said I was a "babyface."
Deputies eventually agreed to let Cantrell go after being handcuffed in the store. However, he still faces charges of threatening, disorderly conduct and intimidation.
For some reason the article mostly glossed over this guy's terrifying violent meltdown. It's almost like it was being intentionally misleading to create controversy, but I'm sure the good folks at "CBS Las Vegas" wouldn't pull a stunt like that. Store evil, half-insane rassler good, that's all you need to know.
Please do not visit the ad-laden, poorly designed source. http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2013/12/10/man-receives-lifetime-worldwide-ban-from-walmart-for-aggressive-ad-matching/
Komment Korner
Chew on that all you agenda-driven, obsessed Walmart haters.
This was on another site"Joe Cantrell has one answer for everything, and that answer is SUE! He has threatened lawsuits against hundreds of people.
you must have failed at wrestling poor thing
Gee, I wonder why the Wal-Mart employee grew concerned over being repeatedly accosted by a lunatic former professional wrestler who has nothing better to do than drive Wal-Mart employees nuts twice per day
You be using good English
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
The good news is we're done with the wild west, the bad news is we're returning to another highly cliched setting for today's entry. Yes, "space," the new frontier of massive emptiness that's extremely hostile to the human biology. For some reason it was once a "cool" thing, long before anyone could have guessed that NASA would eventually become a pandering organization for religious minorities instead of colonizing Mars or the like. Yes, when this book came out (1983) the dream of journeying to an amazing desolate vacuum was still very much part of the National Vision.
As the twenty-second book in the series there's a few things of note before we dive in. We've got a new author, now that increasing demand for new books is exceeding R.A. Montgomery's ability to crank out hippie drivel and we've got another adult protagonist. Yeah, I was really wrong about that.
"Can't help you kid, I'm needed at a Tolerance Meeting with some Imams."
I'm basically a space cop, cruising around in a ship run by a computer that is "absolutely reliable." Yup, I'm sure it doesn't malfunction and kill you in a significant number of the 26 endings, that's not going to be a thing, no way. Some of my duties include dealing with "pirates" that prey on the Venus-Earth-Mars trade route (this author actually seems to understand the immensity of space and wisely confines things to the solar system, yay.) helping radiation storm victims and getting space cats out of space trees.
If there's two writers it should be twice as good, right?
I'm at the end of one of my six month tours and am looking forward to a well-earned vacation where I won't even think about space. Nice to see a minor variation on the "only two days 'til retirement" doomed officer. I'm thinking of going to Venus, which has a reputation as a "pleasure planet." Dying a horrible death where your body literally melts doesn't seem to square with those expectations, but let me have my dreams. Even as I'm mentally sliding into a Venusian hot tub the computer goes off with warnings of "meteorite debris." I decide to let HAL handle it, because I love tempting the "what could possibly go wrong?" odds.
This is what happens.
Wouldn't you know it, the very first choice ends in explosive, fiery death. There's an unexploded bomb from the "Second Solar System War" and it decides now would be a good time to finally perform its intended purpose. I'm "instantly vaporized." Yeah. In the hands of another author I'd at least get a lecture about the evils of unexploded ordnance and the futility of war and why can't we just turn over control to the United Nations and other various pinko ideas. Here, it's just all over, just like that.
I can't really say much more about this one. It looked like it could have been good, but having a 50% chance of death on the very first choice is not the best design choice, especially when you're dealing with someone who blindly trusts any and all electronic devices. I was promised nothing would blow up, after all.
Seems trustworthy.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
Jacob Miller is angry with himself, the world, and God. Life
seems so unfair, so cruel, that he can’t imagine why anyone even tries. After
having a nervous breakdown, selling his business, filing for bankruptcy, having
a baby, and finding out he owes over twenty grand in taxes, he is hardly happy
to be alive.
In the span of a year, Jacob will discover three very
important things about life. Things can always be worse. There really is a God.
And if you wait long enough anything can change.
A Season Without Rain explores that gray area between
poverty and middle class life, the struggling underclass for whom there are no
advocates. A powerful story told in a modern, everyday voice that will entrench
readers in Jacob Miller’s black world of anger, hate, resentment, lies, and
violence.
A Season Without Rain is Joe Schwartz’s first novel. His
previous short story collections Joe’s Black T-Shirt, The Games Men Play, and
The Veiled Prophet of St. Louis have been acclaimed vulgar as Bukowski and
visceral as Carver. Joe lives and works in St. Louis happily writing stories
exclusively about the Gateway City.
About the Author:
Joe Schwartz
A St. Louis native, I write exclusively about the Gateway
City. I prefer the style of fiction deemed transgressive fiction. That is my
stories protagonists generally find a solution to their problems through either
illicit or illegal means. I personally prefer stories told through a criminal's
point-of-view. It is never the crime that fascinates me so much as the
motivation to do it and the terrible, almost predictable outcomes to such
actions. Just as I have an expectation of writing to be read I believe that it
is as important, if not more so, that you as a reader should have the
expectation of being entertained as you read. Anything less is such a
disappointment.
I have known several writers who suffer from the imaginary disease ‘writers block.’ This crippling condition is caused by a lack of experience. So many new writers have been writing one story for so long that when they finally finish it they have a hell of a time writing anything new. It’s no wonder that each book sounds like any other they have written and that their audience eventually stalls out at a certain point as readers will not tolerate a boring, repetitive storyteller. Or they have written so few stories that they have no idea what to do when the story falls apart. Then again, some people are so terrified of failure that they are doomed before they finish their first sentence. This is not to say I haven’t had my share of frustrated days and nights wrestling with a story. The thing is I’ve been there enough, had my faith shattered and restored more times than I can count, any fear I may have once harbored has been utterly shattered. Just as the marathon runner must train continually learning to run longer and longer distances, the seasoned writer must put inhibitions aside and write until the good stuff comes.
Of course, to get from here to there, I know of only two ways. The first, most important, absolutely mandate path is education. What I’m talking about, though, doesn’t necessarily happen in a classroom. The best place to learn anything yet require serious motivation is a public library. Although the shelves are flooded with information, it is truly a seek and ye shall find environment. The good news is if you want to write then you should surely be a good reader already. That helps.
My two best recommendations to help the serious writer both feature Christopher Vogler. He and Michael Hauge made a terrific video called The Hero’s 2 Journeys that is an excellent starting point for anyone. In twelve plain steps they explain exactly how to tell a story and couldn’t be more right. Alone, Vogler has written the bible for masters and novices alike, The Writer’s Journey. But it’s not like he invented these ideas. Joseph Campbell said all these things and more in The Hero with a Thousand Faces from which Vogler readily acknowledges learning all he knows. The thing he did that Campbell could not was make extraordinary, complex ideas easy to understand. Make no mistake; it still takes a massive effort to get good at it and that brings me to my second point. There are no short cuts. Even if you are the reincarnated spirit of Hemingway come back to Earth, you need to write often if you expect to get any good at this. The biggest shock to anybody gets when they first sit down to write is that it’s hard. People often ask me, how long does it take to write a book? I usually answer about a year, but what I rather tell them is that it is somewhere around three-four hundred hours of writing, re-writing, re-reading , re-writing, and not to mention thinking about writing. Still I am not dissuaded by this fact that no matter how good I think my work is it can always be better.
Eventually, inevitably you must let it go. Publish and let the chips fall where they may or shove it in a drawer, forget about it and write something new. Either choice is damn hard to accept. On the one hand you have worked your guts out on a project and now it is up to the world to find it or you have come to the conclusion what you have written isn’t fit for the light of day. That’s okay, though, because the next great idea for an incredible, epic story just appeared in your mind and now all you have to do now is quit thinking and start writing. Who knows, you may write the next Great Gatsby or Catcher in the Rye. There’s only one way to find out.
