Thursday, December 26, 2013

I Solve All Your Problems: Twitter

Independent thought is bad for you. It gets especially bad when you decide your so-called "ideas" should be shared with others. As an owner of a major corporation (this blog's target demographic and main readership) you have probably already encountered this problem and the messy sacrificial firings and rehearsed apologies that become necessary when your human units decide it's okay to make a joke or express an opinion or worse try to do both of those at once, on the information highway.

So far the most common counter-measure to this massive problem has been appealing to human agency, specifically telling the thralls "Don't go posting offensive things." It works about as well as you'd expect. The average person's inner thoughts are a lot like biological waste in a paper bag. Yeah, the bag might work for awhile, but eventually the vile contents are going to come leaking through in the form of Wrong Speech published on Twitter. Sure, you can then punish, which is a noble and patriotic act, but it just isn't a cost effective long term solution to Ungood Thought.

This is where I come in.

I will help you leverage your strategic "pretending everything is fine" competencies.

For the reasonable fee of $250k per year per account (gold bullion only, no federal reserve funny money, please) I will take over the twitter accounts of the adult babies who represent your executive team and begin churning out a steady supply of inoffensive drivel. No more worrying if the Vice President is suddenly going to grow a sense of humor with disastrous results. No more fear that someone will notice the world's problems and comment on them. For less than the cost of your average yearly bonus I will put a stop to the plague of self-expression. You won't even notice it's gone, other than the fact that you're suddenly not groveling for forgiveness any more. 

Sample composite, actual submissions may vary.

You might react with "I don't need this service, anyone can figure this out." First of all, you're thinking again, which is wrong and a crime. Secondly, pick up an online newspaper. Every day someone is committing career suicide by First Amendment, even the most trustworthy. Being inoffensive and respectful to all 5,184 recognized victim groups is harder than it looks. You might think you're doing it right when you "tweet" things like "Thank goodness I was born White" or "Man, that Hitler had some good ideas." but believe it or not those are actually potential trouble. As acceptable as they might seem when you're hitting that blue button after a night booze and pills you're going to wake up in a world of hurt.

Just let me handle it. It's easier to just swallow that 140 character burst of Evil Words via a third party than it is to try to explain it away after the fact, when it's too late.

Your money (gold only, please) buys peace of mind.

I'm expecting a massive response, so you're going to want to act right now. First come, first served, you know the drill. I will help you win the victory over yourself. You will learn to love Big Twitter.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here

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