News You Can't Use: Man Claims He Received Lifetime, Worldwide Ban From Walmart For Aggressive Ad-Matching

What would it take to get thrown out of a Walmart and told to never return? I always assumed it would be impossible, on par with a leper colony taking you aside and saying "You're rotting away too quickly even for us and the other doomed wretches don't like it. You have to leave." In an alarming recent trend, my ignorance-fueled hate ideas are wrong again. All it takes, apparently, is being too obnoxious in asking the giant box merchant to obey its own rules.

An Arizona man and possibly Walmart’s biggest fan found out that taking the company’s ad-matching promises a bit too far can get you banned from every store for the rest of your life.

Ever notice that the "biggest fan" of any given object or person always seems to end up trying to kill/destroy the object of their "affection?" I'm just sayin'. If anyone ever says "I'm your biggest fan!" I'm running like hell before they try to flay off my skin and wear it or get all aggressive asking for discounts or whatever.

Joe Cantrell, of San Tan Valley, Ariz., said he was handcuffed, humiliated and banned from every Walmart in the world following a dispute about Christmas ornament ad-matching at the store that he visits at least twice every day, KNXV-TV reports.

Twice a day in the retail equivalent of a malignant tumor. What a rich life you lead, sir. And yes, every single one in the world. Right now they're putting this guy's picture up over the door of the newest store in N'Djamena, Chad with instructions in French, Literary Arabic and all 120 tribal dialects not to let this ornament ad-matching lunatic in. 

“I was handcuffed, humiliated and embarrassed in front of everybody at Walmart,” Cantrell told KNXV. “I just love Walmart and that’s why I go.”

Why do we always hurt the ones we love, even when that unrequited affection is a massive corporation with a horrific record of abuses? He just wanted to save a dime on a tacky Winter Season star made in Bangladesh. Don't need no bracelets in front of my back/Just get my discount, 'til then cut me some slack.

However, last week, Cantrell had local police called on him after complaining to store management that an employee had refused an ad-match for Christmas ornaments.

Man, can't wait to get that dream job in entry level retail so I can get in on some of this.

This image makes zero sense, but you hate Walmart, right? Right?

When he returned to the store four days later, three deputies reportedly cuffed him, gave him a court summons, and a notice of restriction that bans him from every Walmart on earth, for life.

He was then stripped of his Los Angeles privileges, given a curse that will cause all domesticated animals to become hostile and permanently dyed light blue. Yes, "deputies" have the authority to do all these things, you really should have read all 700,000 pages of that "protect our liberty" legislation. 
 

Walmart’s ad match guarantee states: “We’re committed to providing low prices every day. On everything. So if you find a lower advertised price on an identical product, tell us and we’ll match it. Right at the register.”

There's committed and then there's, well, committed.

 
In a statement provided to KNXV on Tuesday, Walmart responded to the situation: “We make every effort to make sure our customers have a good experience in our stores. As in previous situations, we attempted to work with this customer. However, in this situation, the associate felt unsafe and so we contacted local law enforcement. We are continuing to cooperate with law enforcement on their investigation.”

"When you are so out of pocket that even we are forced to care about the fate of our worker drones you've really fudged up. Also, everyone else please go back to consuming and don't go making a scene over this."

And after being a professional wrestler for eight years, Cantrell said he suffers from a series of injuries that keep him from making the money he could in the past.

"Well you know something brother, this box retailer is gonna pay. Whatcha gonna do, when ad-matching to the point of a minor mental illness runs wild on YOU!!!!"

“Sorry I get a little emotional about this because I’m disabled,” he told the station. “I felt shamed. I felt like I was the bad guy. And I know I’m not a bad guy.”

"I know this because the pro wrestling script specifically said I was a "babyface."

Deputies eventually agreed to let Cantrell go after being handcuffed in the store. However, he still faces charges of threatening, disorderly conduct and intimidation.

For some reason the article mostly glossed over this guy's terrifying violent meltdown. It's almost like it was being intentionally misleading to create controversy, but I'm sure the good folks at "CBS Las Vegas" wouldn't pull a stunt like that. Store evil, half-insane rassler good, that's all you need to know.

Please do not visit the ad-laden, poorly designed source. http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2013/12/10/man-receives-lifetime-worldwide-ban-from-walmart-for-aggressive-ad-matching/

Komment Korner  

Chew on that all you agenda-driven, obsessed Walmart haters.

This was on another site"Joe Cantrell has one answer for everything, and that answer is SUE! He has threatened lawsuits against hundreds of people.

you must have failed at wrestling poor thing

Gee, I wonder why the Wal-Mart employee grew concerned over being repeatedly accosted by a lunatic former professional wrestler who has nothing better to do than drive Wal-Mart employees nuts twice per day

You be using good English 

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.