Sunday, December 29, 2013

News You Can't Use: Excedrin headache No. 2013: 2-in-3 Call it a 'Bad Year'

How will history remember the last arbitrarily numbered revolution around our cold and merciless sun? Will future wine lovers look at these magical four digits on a bottle, shake their heads and say "Lousy year?" Will history books fondly recall it as part of the apology and groveling era? And what of the average peasant, caught up in this amazing experiment in attempting to parse the passage of time? Let's just say they're very eager to start using a new number and pretending that somehow changes things.

Overshadowed by the bungled debut of Obamacare and congressional gridlock, most Americans in a new poll dubbed 2013 a bad year that will be quickly forgotten.

Thanks to the traditional number replacement ceremony, featuring copious amounts of alcoholic drink, that whole forgetting process should be a cinch. Gulp, glug, cough, Obamacare fading into mist as the brain cells are destroyed. Join us, it's paradise.

“Put simply, most Americans are happy to see 2013 go,” said the latest Economist/YouGov Poll.

"All our losing sports team needs to do is change its name and/or logo and it will instantly get better!"

How could something with a logo this righteous fail so hard? 

54 percent called 2013 a “bad year” for the world. Another 15 percent called it a “very bad year"

I guess we just remember the negative, the evil lives forever while all the good goes to the grave. I mean, what about all those excellent scripted comedies on the television? That has to count for something.  

There are almost no issues where a majority of Americans have seen improvement.

Being the world's leader in incorrect answers on standardized math examinations, slip 'n' fall lawsuits and carbonated beverage consumption counts for a lot less than it used to, obviously.

Komment Korner  

Yes,but some amazing scientific discoveries were made in 2013.The most amazing story is when they announced they had found a liberal in New Jersey who actually had a piece of a brain.

Welcome to 1938 Germany.

Obama was not re-elected.

You're a self-centered asss who thinks you're a lot more important inside your little mind, than the country as a whole.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here

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