Independent thought is bad for you. It gets especially bad when you decide your so-called "ideas" should be shared with others. As an owner of a major corporation (this blog's target demographic and main readership) you have probably already encountered this problem and the messy sacrificial firings and rehearsed apologies that become necessary when your human units decide it's okay to make a joke or express an opinion or worse try to do both of those at once, on the information highway.
So far the most common counter-measure to this massive problem has been appealing to human agency, specifically telling the thralls "Don't go posting offensive things." It works about as well as you'd expect. The average person's inner thoughts are a lot like biological waste in a paper bag. Yeah, the bag might work for awhile, but eventually the vile contents are going to come leaking through in the form of Wrong Speech published on Twitter. Sure, you can then punish, which is a noble and patriotic act, but it just isn't a cost effective long term solution to Ungood Thought.
This is where I come in.
I will help you leverage your strategic "pretending everything is fine" competencies.
For the reasonable fee of $250k per year per account (gold bullion only, no federal reserve funny money, please) I will take over the twitter accounts of the adult babies who represent your executive team and begin churning out a steady supply of inoffensive drivel. No more worrying if the Vice President is suddenly going to grow a sense of humor with disastrous results. No more fear that someone will notice the world's problems and comment on them. For less than the cost of your average yearly bonus I will put a stop to the plague of self-expression. You won't even notice it's gone, other than the fact that you're suddenly not groveling for forgiveness any more.
Sample composite, actual submissions may vary.
You might react with "I don't need this service, anyone can figure this out." First of all, you're thinking again, which is wrong and a crime. Secondly, pick up an online newspaper. Every day someone is committing career suicide by First Amendment, even the most trustworthy. Being inoffensive and respectful to all 5,184 recognized victim groups is harder than it looks. You might think you're doing it right when you "tweet" things like "Thank goodness I was born White" or "Man, that Hitler had some good ideas." but believe it or not those are actually potential trouble. As acceptable as they might seem when you're hitting that blue button after a night booze and pills you're going to wake up in a world of hurt.
Just let me handle it. It's easier to just swallow that 140 character burst of Evil Words via a third party than it is to try to explain it away after the fact, when it's too late.
Your money (gold only, please) buys peace of mind.
I'm expecting a massive response, so you're going to want to act right now. First come, first served, you know the drill. I will help you win the victory over yourself. You will learn to love Big Twitter.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here
With the massive economic boom that should be starting any day now it makes sense to start honing your interviewing skills so you can close the deal on your next dreary three to five years of life that looked so very appealing from the outside looking in. The problem is that creating the illusion of personal value in the presence of an employer can be difficult. Fortunately, the internet is here to save us in the form of a cliche-ridden video from five years ago. Ready your ninety day plan and strap on your "brag book," it's time to learn the hot, hot secrets that are guaranteed* to get you that dream job!
* Not an actual guarantee.
To insure proper motivation for the total and complete abortion we're about to witness we get a bizarre opening where different voices praise us in a manner that suggests a 976 line solely devoted to business competence. "Impressive answer!" declares a disembodied female. "Wow, they really prepared!" declares a man rather ungrammatically, unless the person being interviewed is the Crown Prince of Schleswig-Holstein or something, then it would be correct.
While we soak in this unearned praise we are also treated to what the monolith from 2001 might have looked like if that movie was produced by Office Depot.
Buuummm......buummmm....BA BUM!!!!
We meet our identification figure, a young man with narrow shoulders who probably doesn't even lift wearing a suit more suggestive of Little Timmy's first communion than the armor of a corporate soldier. "Why should we hire you?" is the question posed by the interviewer, who in the fine tradition of villains like Dr. Claw, will remain unseen throughout this video.
We get a semi-coherent and rambling answer about how he has "the energy" and people are always telling him he has a "Type A" personality, which must be good because Grade A beef is the best kind and personalities work the same way. Basically, he's got "heart attack before 40" written all over him, but this is an interview and not a physical examination, so floating text gives him points for "confidence."
I'd like to mention that this guy repeatedly says "uh" when he speaks, which I'm pretty sure is
only there to prove that he is entirely human and not the son of the God
of Business sent to save us all by leveraging competencies and the
like.
Not coming in reeking of cheap whiskey is also a good start.
We then get his "work motto." Sadly, it's not "My way or the highway," like Dalton in Road House. Instead, he's committed to doing things right the first time, no matter how long it takes. Yeah. I get it right in one try, no matter how many attempts that one try requires.
He really hammers home his half-mad commitment to the White Collar world by claiming to have worked four straight 80 hour weeks once. He also does a mostly acceptable job of suppressing the giggle reflex while delivering that whopper. This guy is gonna fit in great once our Chinese Overlords gain control, at least. I see a bright future for you in whatever salt mine kollectiv you're assigned to, Mr. Type A.
"You have to do what you have to do," he clarifies. Maybe you should stop getting your life philosophy from Malt Liquor ads, dude. Next he'll probably hand over his brag book, smile, and say "don't let the smooth taste fool ya!"
The malt beverage with the energy and Type A personality to get the job done!
This guy won't shut up about his dedication to "respect and honesty," two virtues that are almost completely obsolete in today's corporate environment. He goes so far as to admit he'd let someone know if he couldn't help them, which seems at odds with his earlier marathon man claims, but at this point I'm just trying to make him die with my mind and not really listening.
The applicant actually has the stones to claim that this so-called "honesty" actually led to closing a "big deal" five years after the fact. The stories out of this playa, I tell you. He's had the adventures of a man twice his age.
Yeah, he's going to die young and he won't cook the books, but is he organized? Incredibly, the answer is "yes." I know, I wasn't expecting that either.
Continue cupping both hands over your genitals.
The next anecdote might be the craziest one yet. He claims to have been hired by a company "about to declare bankruptcy" and completely turned things around with his "procedures" and can-do attitude. He doesn't mention the government bail-out money the company also received at that time, for some reason. We wrap up this delightful apocryphal tale with a claim this former employer is now "number three in market share." It sounds impressive until he admits it's a Peppered Soda concern that finished third behind Dr. Pepper and generic store brand Graduate Student Pepper.
He claims to be a "solid" candidate, even though it looks like a light breeze could knock him over. We end as we began, with more sweet business praise that people like me lap up like catnip. "Tell me you like my procedures...aw yeah."
Komment Korner
really happy that i found a cool way to get 1000s of followers on facebook!
The hand gestures are very distracting.
and uh, and uh *repeatedly looks up at ceiling*
im going to try this hope mcdonalds hires me !
Find jobs at job4gov.com
need a job go to my face book name quentinfranklin i have jobs wab sites
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
