The good news is we're done with the wild west, the bad news is we're returning to another highly cliched setting for today's entry. Yes, "space," the new frontier of massive emptiness that's extremely hostile to the human biology. For some reason it was once a "cool" thing, long before anyone could have guessed that NASA would eventually become a pandering organization for religious minorities instead of colonizing Mars or the like. Yes, when this book came out (1983) the dream of journeying to an amazing desolate vacuum was still very much part of the National Vision.
As the twenty-second book in the series there's a few things of note before we dive in. We've got a new author, now that increasing demand for new books is exceeding R.A. Montgomery's ability to crank out hippie drivel and we've got another adult protagonist. Yeah, I was really wrong about that.
"Can't help you kid, I'm needed at a Tolerance Meeting with some Imams."
I'm basically a space cop, cruising around in a ship run by a computer that is "absolutely reliable." Yup, I'm sure it doesn't malfunction and kill you in a significant number of the 26 endings, that's not going to be a thing, no way. Some of my duties include dealing with "pirates" that prey on the Venus-Earth-Mars trade route (this author actually seems to understand the immensity of space and wisely confines things to the solar system, yay.) helping radiation storm victims and getting space cats out of space trees.
If there's two writers it should be twice as good, right?
I'm at the end of one of my six month tours and am looking forward to a well-earned vacation where I won't even think about space. Nice to see a minor variation on the "only two days 'til retirement" doomed officer. I'm thinking of going to Venus, which has a reputation as a "pleasure planet." Dying a horrible death where your body literally melts doesn't seem to square with those expectations, but let me have my dreams. Even as I'm mentally sliding into a Venusian hot tub the computer goes off with warnings of "meteorite debris." I decide to let HAL handle it, because I love tempting the "what could possibly go wrong?" odds.
This is what happens.
Wouldn't you know it, the very first choice ends in explosive, fiery death. There's an unexploded bomb from the "Second Solar System War" and it decides now would be a good time to finally perform its intended purpose. I'm "instantly vaporized." Yeah. In the hands of another author I'd at least get a lecture about the evils of unexploded ordnance and the futility of war and why can't we just turn over control to the United Nations and other various pinko ideas. Here, it's just all over, just like that.
I can't really say much more about this one. It looked like it could have been good, but having a 50% chance of death on the very first choice is not the best design choice, especially when you're dealing with someone who blindly trusts any and all electronic devices. I was promised nothing would blow up, after all.
Seems trustworthy.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
The other day there was a meteor, or meteorite, or falling star or something similar that hit Russia, catching everyone by surprise now that NASA is mostly a dhimmitude body uninterested with space phenomena. The best way to acknowledge this shocking and deeply troubling event is clearly to present a bizarre highlight package of Russian videos, compiled by a high-pitched American wuss. Yeah, it's one of those Youtube videos that takes existing footage that has been "contributed," adds some painfully unfunny commentary and then gets millions of views. By my best estimates in a decade the internet will be nothing but these compilations and lists with names like "six surprising facts about sexual intercourse" and "ten facts about James Madison that sound like something out of a torture porn movie (but are true!). Let us put on our shades and gaze into this bright future.
The Russian version of Andy Capp.
We stagger out of the gate with a "please subscribe so you can see recycled, non-original content" screen and narration that suggests that some events, like the facial hair of Stalin, are unique to the Third Rome. Stalin is, of course, from Georgia instead of Russia, but I guess this is probably a common misconception among uneducated morons who combine a few videos they don't own together in one awkward package and then slap their own name all over it.
Two men, presumably Russian, awkwardly carry a heavy appliance of some sort (it turns out it's a freezer) up some stairs. Calling on your vast knowledge of Eastern Europe and the general rules of comedy, can you guess what happens next?
A) Unbelievably attractive "Olgas" emerge from the refrigerator unit provoking undignified and hilarious lust from onlookers.
B) The two men are assaulted by Tajikistanis.
C) They drop the heavy object, ruining it.
D) A meteorite or whatever you call it hits; everything is destroyed by the equivalent force of a hundred atomic bombs.
Pencils down.
The correct answer was "C."
Our obnoxious narrator makes a heartless comment about "the fridge being ok." Still, only in Russia. I can't imagine people trying to lift something heavy and then dropping it anywhere else on this planet.
No time to dwell on it, because the comedic genius that took existing videos and put his logo on them veers into another bizarre nationalistic rant about the dangers of driving in Russia. Apparently the land of the Tsars is even worse than China. I don't know what to make of this. Is this even a common stereotype? Bad Chinese drivers? Maybe it's something we made up so we can feel better about ourselves. Yeah they destroyed our manufacturing industry, exposed us as ignorant and lazy and they're about to put us into permanent debt slavery, but they sure can't drive, haw haw.
And 300,000,000 Kung Fu Masters.
Anyway, Russia. With the bleak Soviet apartments framing the action we get a glimpse of just how wild it can get on the roads of Volkonograd. The car we're in gets "cut off" and the other driver decides to then come to a complete stop, presumably in furtherance of direct physical violence. The only problem is the targets of his cray-cray, Chinese-style road wrath are still in their car, so you can probably guess just how extremely wacky it's about to get up in the bee-atch.
Looking at the image for awhile should cure your optimism.
Instead of the promised insanity the would-be victims simply back up and then drive off, half-heartedly clipping the still open door of the other vehicle. "Yeah, Russian drivers are ridiculous," I think to myself while I use my phone to type out this article while driving on the freeway at night with seven beers down and #8 open and half-drunk in the cup holder.
Luckily this is not the only evidence presented. A car that would be considered "beat" even by behind the iron curtain standards is revved up into reverse, causing the engine that was chained down to pop out in fairly satisfying fashion.
In my country there is problem/And that problem is the car/They are old and non-sexy/So we remove the engine with a chain.
The technological know-how that won the race for manned space flight.
One of the "comrades" behind this amazing achievement actually responds by saying, and I quote "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." With this sort of thing as the best available entertainment I can see how vodka got to be so popular.
Our annoying narrator is back to make a reference to "getting your tongue stuck on a flagpole" that a lot of his viewers will probably think is a reference to a certain intimate act instead of a classic movie. R-pop plays as a young man performs a back-flip into a snow drift and somehow gets his head stuck. That's the joke.
All we need is a football to hit his crotch and this would be the platonic definition of a "funny video."
We end like we began, with more shilling of appropriated content and a big thanks to people who send in clips and basically do 90% of this guy's work while not even getting thanked, let alone paid.
Komment Korner
Using the wrong noun isn't grammar. Just thought I'd point that out.
did u copy this from someone?
EPIC!!!!
only in the UK where chavs can afford computers and spread their cancer over the internet. ;)
И чо? Как бы тут не над чем смеяться. Россияне как великий народ - просран.
asian queer kid
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.comand Barnes & Noble.
