Or have we? Major spoiler: it happened.
After an intro screen advertising some sort of evangelical atheist group (they even have a website!) we're off and running. We meet Pastor (?) Bentley, a full-figured, tattooed gentlemen who looks like the kind of guy who would wear an Affliction shirt, spill beer on you, brag about his "Muay Thai Black Belt" and wonder "when are we gonna see Fedor in the you eff see?" He's possibly the first preacher in the history of Christianity to be baptized in water and vinegar. If the reason.org argument is "this guy exists, therefore atheism" I have to admit they might have a point for once.
GSP would totally rape Anderson Silva, bro.
We're discussing the problem of healing the crippled. Specifically, hammering some lady's non-functional legs into "the platform like a baseball bat." Seems logical. It's not like you can make them more crippled or something, am I right? After a brief "hulk smash" demonstration of how this process was performed we are told it was successful. You don't need a wheelchair, just a good hard ass-kicking.
Now it's time to hear directly from the Creator of the Universe. This should be good, or at least non-ridiculous. Our endomorphic prophet wonders why "the spirit isn't moving" (are you sure it's plugged in? Check the socket. Are you on channel 3?). The answer from the Unmoved Mover is "because you haven't kicked that woman in the face." Well, duh.
As far as divine revelations go it's not exactly "tell Pharaoh to let my people go" or even "be excellent to each other" but such is the world of the only religious leader sponsored by Tap Out. The congregation even has a cheerful laugh at the thought of this gas-bag soccer-kicking a sickly old woman.
Violence against the elderly is hilarious!
We even get a sort of halfway golf-clap as Todd demonstrates how helpless and vulnerable his victim was. I really don't know what to say about this. Is elderly-bashing the secret to growing your mega-ministry? Maybe drop an elbow on a palsy child for good measure? We've come a long way from touching the hem of a garment.
Anyway the voices that only this douche can hear are all "kick her in the face...with your biker boot!" Basically the voice of God is like that weaselly kid in grade school who was always trying to get you to do dumb things so he could laugh when you got in trouble. "The voice of the divine commands you...lick the flagpole!"
The crowd is just lapping this nonsense up. "It's funny when totally harmless, humble people get mauled by a loud-mouthed, obese living metaphor for the seven deadly sins!" Anyway the boot was delivered...and more healing? I don't think that's how the laws of our physical universe operate. Forgive me if I find this story to be of somewhat questionable veracity.
Dropkick me Jesus, through the goal posts of life...
Then the "gift of faith" arrived. Specifically, God wanted him to "run 'em down." This process consisted of tackling some random individual and acquiring the "full mount." Luckily Pastor Affliction decided not to throw hands from this dominant posture. Unluckily, he started choking his prey instead. This is how the devil is removed from the human body. After this successful Satan-ectomy it's time to single out a "Chinese" man. We're told he got the bull rush treatment and lost a tooth. Take that demon!
Awful music kicks in and will unfortunately accompany the majority of the video. I would have selected that Ultimate Fighter theme about "you're gonna get knocked out" and "you're gonna bleed your own blood" if it was up to me. We get a montage of various attempts to fix his sick, demonized congregation, starting with a man with a serious case of the shivers. Get him a coat, Todd! He ends up falling prone and twitching on the ground instead, in what will be a reoccurring motif. Several similar interactions follow. Maybe "Whole Lot of Shaking Going On" should have been the theme music.
I forgive you for rooting for Michael Bisping.
Bentley himself is not immune from this bizarre malfunction. One segment consists of little more than him falling down and lying on the stage. I've heard of "lay and pray" but this is a little much. Nothing is happening! Restart them on their feet, ref!
Down goes Bentley! Down goes Bentley!
As revolutionary and paradigm-shifting as everything we've witnessed is, it's now time to go back to more orthodox activities, if such a word can even be applied to the world of holy rollin' and ground 'n' pound for Jesus. We get the old "head touch collapse" that used to make up the main body of these services before biker boot kicks and "God told me to rush 'em" became the new standard. This is too predictable. In a word, boring.
Luckily it's back to the good stuff as God's soldier runs around like a lunatic while holding a lap top. Maybe it has viruses that need to be exorcised or something. Can you guess how this ends? If you guessed "he falls over" you're right!
Someone on the Affliction message board called me a "Greg Jackson nuthugger!"
After collapsing he lies on his back, still holding the open Apple product. Not to put to fine a point on it, but he's also exhibiting all the symptoms usually associated with the male orgasm. This is not an image I want or need.
One thing I've noticed while watching these highlights is the dearth of actual MMA techniques as a tool of salvation. Sure, he talks about kicking and choking and ground and pound, but it doesn't really seem in evidence in these clips. That changes somewhat as he performs a "healing knee" but it's delivered so gingerly I doubt it's going to drive out a devil, let alone knock out teeth. It doesn't stop the recipient from thrashing around like a freshly landed fish, though. As a final indignity a red cloth is thrown over his collapsed body for reasons unknown.
Las Vegas crowd speaking with one voice: "KNEE!!!"
More people collapse from head touching in grainy footage full of obese Americans. Crazy religion, violence and obesity: now I know what the average European envisions when they imagine the U.S.A. Bentley convulses as if he's auditioning for the next Crank movie. The music ends. We finish with a final bit of wisdom from this Holy Man: "Anybody that steps into it...uhhhhhh!!!...gets it!" Yeah, no kidding.
Komment Korner
She didn't fall under the power of God you idiot ! You knocked her out.
OUCH :(
demons on acid
Photo shopped.
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.
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