DotTeeVee: X ARM - Rick Vardell vs Bond Laupua

If you unironically enjoyed the movie "Over the Top," think that metal cage in the corner of your gym is the "curl rack," derive pleasure from human misery and enjoy people at a table punching each other have I got the exciting new (from 2014, sorry) pseudo-sport to satisfy all your gun show and blood lust needs. It's X Arm, created by "The Godfather of the UFC" who wisely got out of that business by selling it for some glass beads at a point in time when that probably seemed like a good deal for him. One can't mourn over lost millions forever, instead we've got a new sport that's even better (not a truthful statement)! It might sound like a generic underarm product, but it's much, much more.

  I'll take the guy not currently being throat-punched.

The man that guided the Ultimate Fighting Championship when it had about a dozen loyal fans (I would know, I was one of them) at least seems cheerful and upbeat about his new, doomed venture. He tells "Gary" that we're going to see a combination of "hardcore arm-wrestling, kickboxing and jiu-jitsu. Well, that or two anthropological curiosities happy slapping each other while a table gets in the way, but let's take our time and allow this video to unfold like the beautiful flower that it is.

Also there's a ten thousand dollar first prize, or as the UFC would call it "The amount of money we spent on doors during the Rampage Jackson season of our television show."

Let's meet the fighters! Rick Vardell is highly decorated in arm wrestling! He's big! Unfortunately, we're doing the "hardcore" version, so I'm not sure if the skills will translate. Meanwhile his opponent Bond Laupua has a kickboxing background and a bit of an attitude. He calls his hulking opponent a "marshmallow" and promises to "melt him." Meanwhile the man running the risk of being the central ingredient in a S'more isn't afraid of being hit and feels being strong might give an edge in a test of strength. 

We also introduce an aspiring actress, but she promptly goes away, further adding to the already surreal and dreamlike qualities of the proceedings.

The defending champion.

Now the formal introductions, full of useful information like the fact that Bond is actually the heavier man, despite what was implied earlier. Yeah, the introduction video was somewhat misleading. Next you'll tell me those early UFC tomato cans weren't really 88-0 in bare knuckle challenge matches. Also, Vardell is 46 years old. Never has the phrase "Too old for this shit" been more appropriate.

Both competitors are wearing colorful outfits that call to mind a re-imagining of the Power Rangers as giant, doughy middle-agers with attitude. We run down some rules and I'm glad the tradition of endless talk while waiting for fights is still alive and well here. Pin the arm, knock the guy out, decision, the usual stuff. Time to make "becoming an X Arm judge" my new and best life ambition.

 Please approach this comedy club table and prepare for glory.

Art Davie thinks Vardell has the edge, what with his "big arm." This quality analysis wisely ignores the fact our prohibitive favorite is doing a goofy dance during the interminable preparation phase for some reason. The modern gladiators are harnessed together and this is starting to look more like something the NEA would fund than the death fight we were promised. Unconventional desires notwithstanding, it's time to tape the hands together with duct tape, which we are told can hold together anything. Airplanes, for example. Talk about a missed sponsorship opportunity. Maybe this guy isn't as good at business as his impressive track record would suggest.

Also the referee is Cal Worsham, one of the competitors in an extreme no-rules cage fighting match that was described as "all I saw was swingin'." 

The bell is gone and the human game of chess quickly breaks down into awkward brawling. It's nothing but big hands as they're feeding each other the meat candy! I don't know about this, we're forgetting it's supposed to be about the Sport of Cheaters, not table boxing. Vardell gets the worst of it and is "almost defenseless!" leaning away where he can't be reached to survive. Yes, adding harnesses and a table makes the "kickboxing" better, of course it would.

"He's thrown his game plan out!" Everyone has a plan for pinning the back of your hand against a flat surface while taped and harnessed together, until they get hit.

Youth might give you an advantage in Stockton Slap competitions, but don't underestimate the experience and cunning of age, as Vardell jumps up on the table and attempts to put Lapua in a straight arm-lock. Unfortunately, a red flag is thrown, because you're not a real sport unless officials are throwing snot rags or whatever. That's the end of that bit of excitement, thank goodness. Let's get back to the awkward striking.

Despite the penalty, it's another arm-bar attempt, immediately. I mean, they can't call it illegal every time you do it, can they? Time is now the enemy, however, as only ten seconds remain. Sure enough, Bond is saved by the bell.

 Welcome to a Brazilian nightclub.

The announcers heap praise on the "underdog," who despite being younger and heavier was somehow able to lay heavy leather on his grizzled opponent. Vardell's face is starting to look like uncooked meat, so we're clearly not playin' up in hee-ah. It may have been a 10-8 round, but no explanation on the flag from Art, sadly. I created this sport and I don't know what the rules are. 

Round Two! More unanswered punches from Lapua! And it's already over! Call me crazy, but that round seemed much, much shorter. Oh well, probably time compression caused by the Maslowian peak experience I'm having viewing this incredible "sport." 

Vardell is starting to look like he went through the windshield in a car crash, but there's one round left and anything can still happen!

Final round! Our heroes play to the crowd and then we get a scene reminiscent of "Rocky" (why not bring in another Stallone film, right?) as the older and more badly hurt contender mounts a valorous comeback in the eleventh hour. He's coming on strong with looping punches! This is the most inspiring thing I've ever witnessed! He's gonna do it! 

Then it ends and the other guy wins.

After the match the loser vows to "come back some day," maybe when he's in his fifties, and X Arm is an international billion dollar property. This is clearly the sport of the future and you've still got a big part to play in it. I can't wait!

Komment Korner  

this is the dumbest shit ive ever seen.

Most cringe-tastic thing I've ever seen in my life. Thank you, now I'll need a truck or two of mind bleach.

OMG, I am literally blown away, and in another way...offended, at how dumb this is. This is offensively dumb. It's so dumb, that it hurts my feelings.

even if you win, your still a loser

Here I was, thinking chess-boxing was the most idiotic thing mankind could possibly come up with.

...??!!!..Organised BARfights...  Rounds...???.... nice...!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: Backyard MMA

Remember when professional wrestling was culturally relevant? Ok, ok. I'll rephrase that. Remember when professional wrestling was popular enough that admitting you watched it didn't automatically brand you as a mentally defective troglodyte? What do mean, "No?" Fine. Remember when professional wrestling had enough popularity with the "trailer park located under power lines" crowd that youngsters with big dreams and missing chromosomes would attempt to imitate this proletarian ballet in backyards? Of course you do.

Well, those days are over. As wonderful as it was watching future meth cooks break light tubes over each other and slam themselves on shopping carts stolen from nearby Wally Marts I'm afraid that nothing gold can stay. Kids who score in the bottom third on standardized tests don't want to grow up to be Steve Austin or The Rock or Scotty Too Hotty anymore. Shed a tear, but take heart that something equally asinine and self-destructive has claimed the throne: backyard MMA.

 "Waiting for The Ultimate Fighter to call back, bro."

The first words we hear when this video starts are "look at his nipples" setting the tone for the high standard of maturity and professionalism that we'll be enjoying for the next 3 minutes and 54 seconds. The description informs us that this is a "Heavyweight Title Fight" in the "WGFC." Based on the footage that follows I'm guessing this stands for "Willard Georgia's Fat Contenders" or something along those lines. If you really care they even have their own website (!) but I'm guessing it probably redirects you to endless Ron Paul spam.

The owner of the nipples takes a moment before his huge title match with everything on the line against a human bulldozer that may well leave him crippled for life, assuming he survives, to awkwardly flirt with an unseen female, including a reveal that he'll be teaching her friend kickboxing. Based on what we're about to see I sincerely hope she just paid with "favors" and not actual currency. Anyway, Captain Nipples is actually named Geoff Melendez, which sounds like something a "Random MMA Fighter Namer" might spit out, along with Junior Dos Bisping or "The Werewolf" Donny Coleman.

We are all witnesses.

His opponent is the equally formidable Mike Kiprusoff who has decided to wear a Grateful Dead shirt over his less than impressive physique. The ring, such as it is, consists of some padding and a giant tarp. Everything about this just screams "Six Figure Lawsuit Against the UFC After My Son Died Imitating It." Let's watch.

The heavyweight champion of Crawdad County, Mississippi immediately busts out some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon shit with an awkward flying kick that draws girlish laughter from the human wreckage viewing this mess. We are later informed he's highly trained in "some form of karate"which he combines with the already mentioned kickboxing as well as wrestling skills learned chasing pigs to be the unbeatable force that he is.

If do right can no defense.

It quickly goes to the ground and it's pretty clear his deadhead opponent is already having some second thoughts about facing such an expert fighter. Only the dream of holding the WGFC strap keeps him in it as the champ applies what might be mistaken for a relaxing massage under different circumstances. For reasons unknown he simply lets his tie-dyed nemesis up, perhaps hoping to wreck him with his ambiguous mastery of karate.

Instead they awkwardly collide like two mighty bulls, gracelessly stagger around a surface that's got freshly fallen leaves on it and then crash back to the hillbilly mat. More ineffectual punches and then Geoff lets the challenger up again. This fight is about as unpredictable as a Catholic Mass.

Must...continue...Jerry would...have wanted that.

We get an edit that probably covers about ten minutes of both gladiators trying to get their wind back, followed by another crazy flying technique from the Champion of the Rural Route. Then another take down. More editing. Cold fear washes over me as I realize what I'm watching is mostly highlights and somewhere there's probably a thirty minute video of these two. 

Back to the jury-rigged mat for what seems like the hundredth time. This time we get a nice shot of the challenger's All American beer belly. In a few years he'll probably be "choked out" by sleep apnea.

These are real athletes!

Onlookers call for their hero to "throw bombs" and compare his adversary's middle to "grape jelly." Looks more like one of those giant plastic bags of milk to my eyes. Poorly realized clobbering ensues as it's clear that we're heading toward the finish. The MMA hippie thrashes about like a bloated, freshly landed fish. The warriors are reminded to "breathe." The Champ gets tired of punching and walks off and his opponent simply gives up, providing a highly satisfying conclusion to this epic clash of skill and will. 

The champion retains and will now bask in the well-earned glory and adulation on earth before taking his rightful place in the fields of Elysium. The defeated challenger can not be called the loser, because there were no losers today, only mighty soldiers whose clash of arms shook the pillars of the world. A good man will tell his son this story. The battle of two heroes that were less than Gods but greater than men. The deeds of strength and courage that echo forever in eternity.

There were giants in the earth in those days.

Komment Korner

the dude with the trunks is a piece of shit who doesnt know what he is doing

who ever sent me a message talking shit i train at a gym in Cleveland ill send you the info come on through

Looks a bit nippy outside. (Ed: But it's hooter inside)

My dude in the red and black shorts, your opponent left himself open for countless submissions. mad naked chokes could have been applied early in the match

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

DotTeeVee: Todd Bentley Violence Collection Video

Wouldn't it be awesome if charismatic holy rollin' could somehow be combined with the douche bag troglodytes that form the target audience for mixed martial arts? I have this thought literally dozens of times a day and the inevitable conclusion I invariably arrive at is "yes, it would." Sadly, we live in a world where this amazing fusion of disparate human failure has, for what ever reason, never occurred. Much like the alternate earth where a man never brought an entire jar of peanut butter to an opera for some reason and then suffered the accidental immersion of a chocolate bar in said jar only to discover the combination somehow worked, we have been denied this incredible synergy.

Or have we? Major spoiler: it happened.

After an intro screen advertising some sort of evangelical atheist group (they even have a website!) we're off and running. We meet Pastor (?) Bentley, a full-figured, tattooed gentlemen who looks like the kind of guy who would wear an Affliction shirt, spill beer on you, brag about his "Muay Thai Black Belt" and wonder "when are we gonna see Fedor in the you eff see?" He's possibly the first preacher in the history of Christianity to be baptized in water and vinegar. If the reason.org argument is "this guy exists, therefore atheism" I have to admit they might have a point for once.

 GSP would totally rape Anderson Silva, bro.

We're discussing the problem of healing the crippled. Specifically, hammering some lady's non-functional legs into "the platform like a baseball bat." Seems logical. It's not like you can make them more crippled or something, am I right? After a brief "hulk smash" demonstration of how this process was performed we are told it was successful. You don't need a wheelchair, just a good hard ass-kicking.

Now it's time to hear directly from the Creator of the Universe. This should be good, or at least non-ridiculous. Our endomorphic prophet wonders why "the spirit isn't moving" (are you sure it's plugged in? Check the socket. Are you on channel 3?). The answer from the Unmoved Mover is "because you haven't kicked that woman in the face." Well, duh.

As far as divine revelations go it's not exactly "tell Pharaoh to let my people go" or even "be excellent to each other" but such is the world of the only religious leader sponsored by Tap Out. The congregation even has a cheerful laugh at the thought of this gas-bag soccer-kicking a sickly old woman. 

Violence against the elderly is hilarious!

We even get a sort of halfway golf-clap as Todd demonstrates how helpless and vulnerable his victim was. I really don't know what to say about this. Is elderly-bashing the secret to growing your mega-ministry? Maybe drop an elbow on a palsy child for good measure? We've come a long way from touching the hem of a garment. 

Anyway the voices that only this douche can hear are all "kick her in the face...with your biker boot!" Basically the voice of God is like that weaselly kid in grade school who was always trying to get you to do dumb things so he could laugh when you got in trouble. "The voice of the divine commands you...lick the flagpole!" 

The crowd is just lapping this nonsense up. "It's funny when totally harmless, humble people get mauled by a loud-mouthed, obese living metaphor for the seven deadly sins!" Anyway the boot was delivered...and more healing? I don't think that's how the laws of our physical universe operate. Forgive me if I find this story to be of somewhat questionable veracity.

Dropkick me Jesus, through the goal posts of life...

Then the "gift of faith" arrived. Specifically, God wanted him to "run 'em down." This process consisted of tackling some random individual and acquiring the "full mount." Luckily Pastor Affliction decided not to throw hands from this dominant posture. Unluckily, he started choking his prey instead. This is how the devil is removed from the human body. After this successful Satan-ectomy it's time to single out a "Chinese" man. We're told he got the bull rush treatment and lost a tooth. Take that demon!

Awful music kicks in and will unfortunately accompany the majority of the video. I would have selected that Ultimate Fighter theme about "you're gonna get knocked out" and "you're gonna bleed your own blood" if it was up to me. We get a montage of various attempts to fix his sick, demonized congregation, starting with a man with a serious case of the shivers. Get him a coat, Todd! He ends up falling prone and twitching on the ground instead, in what will be a reoccurring motif. Several similar interactions follow. Maybe "Whole Lot of Shaking Going On" should have been the theme music.

I forgive you for rooting for Michael Bisping.

Bentley himself is not immune from this bizarre malfunction. One segment consists of little more than him falling down and lying on the stage. I've heard of "lay and pray" but this is a little much. Nothing is happening! Restart them on their feet, ref!

Down goes Bentley! Down goes Bentley!

As revolutionary and paradigm-shifting as everything we've witnessed is, it's now time to go back to more orthodox activities, if such a word can even be applied to the world of holy rollin' and ground 'n' pound for Jesus. We get the old "head touch collapse" that used to make up the main body of these services before biker boot kicks and "God told me to rush 'em" became the new standard. This is too predictable. In a word, boring.

Luckily it's back to the good stuff as God's soldier runs around like a lunatic while holding a lap top. Maybe it has viruses that need to be exorcised or something. Can you guess how this ends? If you guessed "he falls over" you're right!

Someone on the Affliction message board called me a "Greg Jackson nuthugger!"

After collapsing he lies on his back, still holding the open Apple product. Not to put to fine a point on it, but he's also exhibiting all the symptoms usually associated with the male orgasm. This is not an image I want or need.

One thing I've noticed while watching these highlights is the dearth of actual MMA techniques as a tool of salvation. Sure, he talks about kicking and choking and ground and pound, but it doesn't really seem in evidence in these clips. That changes somewhat as he performs a "healing knee" but it's delivered so gingerly I doubt it's going to drive out a devil, let alone knock out teeth. It doesn't stop the recipient from thrashing around like a freshly landed fish, though. As a final indignity a red cloth is thrown over his collapsed body for reasons unknown.

Las Vegas crowd speaking with one voice: "KNEE!!!"

More people collapse from head touching in grainy footage full of obese Americans. Crazy religion, violence and obesity: now I know what the average European envisions when they imagine the U.S.A. Bentley convulses as if he's auditioning for the next Crank movie. The music ends. We finish with a final bit of wisdom from this Holy Man: "Anybody that steps into it...uhhhhhh!!!...gets it!" Yeah, no kidding.

Komment Korner

She didn't fall under the power of God you idiot ! You knocked her out.

OUCH :(

demons on acid

Photo shopped.

  

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.