DotTeeVee: Woman Screwed By Casino

The gambling industry and casinos in particular usually represent the heart and soul of the community. Run by squeaky clean professionals of the highest character they create many useful and uplifting jobs while providing valuable recreation to any city lucky enough to play host. It's with more than a little surprise, then, that I address today's youtube tale of a woman's casino experience that somehow fell well short of optimal. Can it even be real? Screwed by a casino? I know those words, but they make no sense when combined in that way. Are they sure the real title isn't "Screwed By Cashews?" No? Well that would at least make more sense, considering the degenerate criminal scumbags typically found in the salted nuts arena.

Hopefully a poorly produced internet "newz" show can get to the bottom of this. Well, who better, right?

Let's start with some good old patriotic garbage as we get an apropos to nothing American flag and text that identifies this program as "The Young Turks." I'm as anti-sultanate as any right thinking person, but still have trouble getting too excited. This oddly placed nationalism will continue in the show itself, as another flag and a picture of Mount Rushmore is displayed prominently. USA! USA! USA!

This guy is their target demographic.

The show staggers out of the gate as the chirpy female anchor mis-identifies the screwed woman as "Louis" before providing the correct name, Louise Chavez. In a bit of delightful and entirely necessary racism her snarky male co-anchor asks an off-camera man named Jesus if he knows her. Because all Hispanics know all other Hispanics. We call this the Latin Hive Mind.

Honestly, though, what the hell? I mean, this isn't a live show or anything, is it? Couldn't they just correct the mistakes and edit out the casual racism? I'm just sayin'.

Weird prejudices, moronic patriotism, shocking ignorance...USA! USA!

After we get done having a good laugh at stripping an entire people group of their full humanity we address the story proper. Or not. Again we get hung up, this time on the issue of Penny Slots: pro or contra. Our cheery bubble-headed host, identified as "Ana" is quick to rush to their defense in the face of more snark from her obnoxious partner. Or, "Don't diss the penny slots" as she puts it. Luckily that line is delivered straight instead of with an affected "Urban" accent, keeping the racism count at One. For now.

Ana makes a claim that she won a thousand dollars on penny slots and for once I share the smarmy co-anchor's cynicism and lack of socially prescribed decency. At an impasse over this claim, we finally get to the heart of the story.

It's you or me penny slots and I'm gonna make damn sure it's you.

We get a mildly interesting shaggy dog story about Louise's misadventures in the gambling Mecca that is Central City, Colorado. Losing that last twenty bucks to a bathroom slot machine in Primm, Nevada suddenly seems like James Bond shit by comparison. Apparently she won a 42 million dollar jackpot on penny slots. The sleazy male half is again incredulous and again I'm forced to side with him. I don't know if making this jerk-wad into a sympathetic figure is an achievement of some sort or just more proof of how awful this show is. 

Incredibly, the "casino management" is somewhat reluctant to offer an eight figure return on a one-cent investment, instead appealing to the "maximum winnings" of $251,000 printed on the side of the machine. Again, it's a penny slot machine. Shouldn't the "maximum winnings" instead be a picture of an envelope and a half-used roll of scotch tape?

The prequel to "How to Really, Really, Really Win at Slots" featuring the "pull and pray" method.

Ana is so outraged that she stumbles over the numbers, while the unnamed male is clearly preparing to deploy the full strategic douche-bag arsenal. We're told that the woman was a little upset about it and was given a free breakfast in exchange for silence. Always giving, giving and giving. That sounds like the kind of Casino Folk I know.

While that breakfast got converted into yellow, vein-clogging goop an "investigation" into the "real winnings" was conducted. After all the dust had settled the 42 million jackpot is recalculated as about twenty dollars. But at least you had fun, right? I mean, you're really paying for entertainment and shouldn't expect to win anything. 

After an "investigation" into her winnings, she owed the casino $300,000.

Ana can't remember her position in the great "should a casino screw over patrons" debate, and she immediately gets called out on this. Snarky co-host suggests that no one would ever side with a sleazy, dishonest casino and Ana is desperately backpedaling and pulling out crazy faces. Man, this is the real news right here, the stuff the LAMEstream media won't touch!

  "Her gaping mouth's red glare, the douchey sarcasm bursting in air, and our flag was still there..."

After regaining her composure Ana appeals to the letter of the law rather than the spirit, by pointing out the limits posted on the machine. She suggests the maximum possible award as a compromise, and this leads to Wise Guy further suggesting that it depends on what she actually "hit." Holy fudge, they actually ARE on the side of the casino. We've been set up! Get out!

The horrifying truth. "Obey the Casino. The Casino is your friend. No independent thought."

The nameless, odious man continues to obfuscate and distort the issue. Even Ana seems convinced. I guess this video should be retitled "Casino Investigates and Fixes Incorrect Payout, Gives Woman Free Breakfast."

Well, not so fast, as we get a lame appeal to emotions from Ana, complete with empathic hand gestures. Mr. Douche actually seems to be convinced and adopts a more contemplative tone of voice as he concedes that even giving only half of the 42 million would still be an outrage, let alone the actual bone-ride that occurred.

"Up next, my five-star review for the Tucker Max movie."

His usual water-and-vinegar tendencies return in force, however, as he breaks down the full indignity: "doesn't have a thousand, doesn't have a hundred, etc." He declares the lesson is that we should avoid penny slots, but Ana will defend this much-maligned past-time to the bitter end, even adding an almost certainly apocryphal story about winning $400. We get a black screen, some breathing and a "what could possibly go wrong?" The new media, friends. May it reign forever.

Komment Korner

What a fag making dumb fuck jokes that are gay

Both spellings are correct , you dumb FAGOT

id sew the shit out of the casino if that happened 

This guy is a douche lol

One day, i walked into a casino and insert a quarter and won $425.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

DotTeeVee: Todd Bentley Violence Collection Video

Wouldn't it be awesome if charismatic holy rollin' could somehow be combined with the douche bag troglodytes that form the target audience for mixed martial arts? I have this thought literally dozens of times a day and the inevitable conclusion I invariably arrive at is "yes, it would." Sadly, we live in a world where this amazing fusion of disparate human failure has, for what ever reason, never occurred. Much like the alternate earth where a man never brought an entire jar of peanut butter to an opera for some reason and then suffered the accidental immersion of a chocolate bar in said jar only to discover the combination somehow worked, we have been denied this incredible synergy.

Or have we? Major spoiler: it happened.

After an intro screen advertising some sort of evangelical atheist group (they even have a website!) we're off and running. We meet Pastor (?) Bentley, a full-figured, tattooed gentlemen who looks like the kind of guy who would wear an Affliction shirt, spill beer on you, brag about his "Muay Thai Black Belt" and wonder "when are we gonna see Fedor in the you eff see?" He's possibly the first preacher in the history of Christianity to be baptized in water and vinegar. If the reason.org argument is "this guy exists, therefore atheism" I have to admit they might have a point for once.

 GSP would totally rape Anderson Silva, bro.

We're discussing the problem of healing the crippled. Specifically, hammering some lady's non-functional legs into "the platform like a baseball bat." Seems logical. It's not like you can make them more crippled or something, am I right? After a brief "hulk smash" demonstration of how this process was performed we are told it was successful. You don't need a wheelchair, just a good hard ass-kicking.

Now it's time to hear directly from the Creator of the Universe. This should be good, or at least non-ridiculous. Our endomorphic prophet wonders why "the spirit isn't moving" (are you sure it's plugged in? Check the socket. Are you on channel 3?). The answer from the Unmoved Mover is "because you haven't kicked that woman in the face." Well, duh.

As far as divine revelations go it's not exactly "tell Pharaoh to let my people go" or even "be excellent to each other" but such is the world of the only religious leader sponsored by Tap Out. The congregation even has a cheerful laugh at the thought of this gas-bag soccer-kicking a sickly old woman. 

Violence against the elderly is hilarious!

We even get a sort of halfway golf-clap as Todd demonstrates how helpless and vulnerable his victim was. I really don't know what to say about this. Is elderly-bashing the secret to growing your mega-ministry? Maybe drop an elbow on a palsy child for good measure? We've come a long way from touching the hem of a garment. 

Anyway the voices that only this douche can hear are all "kick her in the face...with your biker boot!" Basically the voice of God is like that weaselly kid in grade school who was always trying to get you to do dumb things so he could laugh when you got in trouble. "The voice of the divine commands you...lick the flagpole!" 

The crowd is just lapping this nonsense up. "It's funny when totally harmless, humble people get mauled by a loud-mouthed, obese living metaphor for the seven deadly sins!" Anyway the boot was delivered...and more healing? I don't think that's how the laws of our physical universe operate. Forgive me if I find this story to be of somewhat questionable veracity.

Dropkick me Jesus, through the goal posts of life...

Then the "gift of faith" arrived. Specifically, God wanted him to "run 'em down." This process consisted of tackling some random individual and acquiring the "full mount." Luckily Pastor Affliction decided not to throw hands from this dominant posture. Unluckily, he started choking his prey instead. This is how the devil is removed from the human body. After this successful Satan-ectomy it's time to single out a "Chinese" man. We're told he got the bull rush treatment and lost a tooth. Take that demon!

Awful music kicks in and will unfortunately accompany the majority of the video. I would have selected that Ultimate Fighter theme about "you're gonna get knocked out" and "you're gonna bleed your own blood" if it was up to me. We get a montage of various attempts to fix his sick, demonized congregation, starting with a man with a serious case of the shivers. Get him a coat, Todd! He ends up falling prone and twitching on the ground instead, in what will be a reoccurring motif. Several similar interactions follow. Maybe "Whole Lot of Shaking Going On" should have been the theme music.

I forgive you for rooting for Michael Bisping.

Bentley himself is not immune from this bizarre malfunction. One segment consists of little more than him falling down and lying on the stage. I've heard of "lay and pray" but this is a little much. Nothing is happening! Restart them on their feet, ref!

Down goes Bentley! Down goes Bentley!

As revolutionary and paradigm-shifting as everything we've witnessed is, it's now time to go back to more orthodox activities, if such a word can even be applied to the world of holy rollin' and ground 'n' pound for Jesus. We get the old "head touch collapse" that used to make up the main body of these services before biker boot kicks and "God told me to rush 'em" became the new standard. This is too predictable. In a word, boring.

Luckily it's back to the good stuff as God's soldier runs around like a lunatic while holding a lap top. Maybe it has viruses that need to be exorcised or something. Can you guess how this ends? If you guessed "he falls over" you're right!

Someone on the Affliction message board called me a "Greg Jackson nuthugger!"

After collapsing he lies on his back, still holding the open Apple product. Not to put to fine a point on it, but he's also exhibiting all the symptoms usually associated with the male orgasm. This is not an image I want or need.

One thing I've noticed while watching these highlights is the dearth of actual MMA techniques as a tool of salvation. Sure, he talks about kicking and choking and ground and pound, but it doesn't really seem in evidence in these clips. That changes somewhat as he performs a "healing knee" but it's delivered so gingerly I doubt it's going to drive out a devil, let alone knock out teeth. It doesn't stop the recipient from thrashing around like a freshly landed fish, though. As a final indignity a red cloth is thrown over his collapsed body for reasons unknown.

Las Vegas crowd speaking with one voice: "KNEE!!!"

More people collapse from head touching in grainy footage full of obese Americans. Crazy religion, violence and obesity: now I know what the average European envisions when they imagine the U.S.A. Bentley convulses as if he's auditioning for the next Crank movie. The music ends. We finish with a final bit of wisdom from this Holy Man: "Anybody that steps into it...uhhhhhh!!!...gets it!" Yeah, no kidding.

Komment Korner

She didn't fall under the power of God you idiot ! You knocked her out.

OUCH :(

demons on acid

Photo shopped.

  

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.