Sunday, March 3, 2013

DotTeeVee: Woman Screwed By Casino

The gambling industry and casinos in particular usually represent the heart and soul of the community. Run by squeaky clean professionals of the highest character they create many useful and uplifting jobs while providing valuable recreation to any city lucky enough to play host. It's with more than a little surprise, then, that I address today's youtube tale of a woman's casino experience that somehow fell well short of optimal. Can it even be real? Screwed by a casino? I know those words, but they make no sense when combined in that way. Are they sure the real title isn't "Screwed By Cashews?" No? Well that would at least make more sense, considering the degenerate criminal scumbags typically found in the salted nuts arena.

Hopefully a poorly produced internet "newz" show can get to the bottom of this. Well, who better, right?

Let's start with some good old patriotic garbage as we get an apropos to nothing American flag and text that identifies this program as "The Young Turks." I'm as anti-sultanate as any right thinking person, but still have trouble getting too excited. This oddly placed nationalism will continue in the show itself, as another flag and a picture of Mount Rushmore is displayed prominently. USA! USA! USA!

This guy is their target demographic.

The show staggers out of the gate as the chirpy female anchor mis-identifies the screwed woman as "Louis" before providing the correct name, Louise Chavez. In a bit of delightful and entirely necessary racism her snarky male co-anchor asks an off-camera man named Jesus if he knows her. Because all Hispanics know all other Hispanics. We call this the Latin Hive Mind.

Honestly, though, what the hell? I mean, this isn't a live show or anything, is it? Couldn't they just correct the mistakes and edit out the casual racism? I'm just sayin'.

Weird prejudices, moronic patriotism, shocking ignorance...USA! USA!

After we get done having a good laugh at stripping an entire people group of their full humanity we address the story proper. Or not. Again we get hung up, this time on the issue of Penny Slots: pro or contra. Our cheery bubble-headed host, identified as "Ana" is quick to rush to their defense in the face of more snark from her obnoxious partner. Or, "Don't diss the penny slots" as she puts it. Luckily that line is delivered straight instead of with an affected "Urban" accent, keeping the racism count at One. For now.

Ana makes a claim that she won a thousand dollars on penny slots and for once I share the smarmy co-anchor's cynicism and lack of socially prescribed decency. At an impasse over this claim, we finally get to the heart of the story.

It's you or me penny slots and I'm gonna make damn sure it's you.

We get a mildly interesting shaggy dog story about Louise's misadventures in the gambling Mecca that is Central City, Colorado. Losing that last twenty bucks to a bathroom slot machine in Primm, Nevada suddenly seems like James Bond shit by comparison. Apparently she won a 42 million dollar jackpot on penny slots. The sleazy male half is again incredulous and again I'm forced to side with him. I don't know if making this jerk-wad into a sympathetic figure is an achievement of some sort or just more proof of how awful this show is. 

Incredibly, the "casino management" is somewhat reluctant to offer an eight figure return on a one-cent investment, instead appealing to the "maximum winnings" of $251,000 printed on the side of the machine. Again, it's a penny slot machine. Shouldn't the "maximum winnings" instead be a picture of an envelope and a half-used roll of scotch tape?

The prequel to "How to Really, Really, Really Win at Slots" featuring the "pull and pray" method.

Ana is so outraged that she stumbles over the numbers, while the unnamed male is clearly preparing to deploy the full strategic douche-bag arsenal. We're told that the woman was a little upset about it and was given a free breakfast in exchange for silence. Always giving, giving and giving. That sounds like the kind of Casino Folk I know.

While that breakfast got converted into yellow, vein-clogging goop an "investigation" into the "real winnings" was conducted. After all the dust had settled the 42 million jackpot is recalculated as about twenty dollars. But at least you had fun, right? I mean, you're really paying for entertainment and shouldn't expect to win anything. 

After an "investigation" into her winnings, she owed the casino $300,000.

Ana can't remember her position in the great "should a casino screw over patrons" debate, and she immediately gets called out on this. Snarky co-host suggests that no one would ever side with a sleazy, dishonest casino and Ana is desperately backpedaling and pulling out crazy faces. Man, this is the real news right here, the stuff the LAMEstream media won't touch!

  "Her gaping mouth's red glare, the douchey sarcasm bursting in air, and our flag was still there..."

After regaining her composure Ana appeals to the letter of the law rather than the spirit, by pointing out the limits posted on the machine. She suggests the maximum possible award as a compromise, and this leads to Wise Guy further suggesting that it depends on what she actually "hit." Holy fudge, they actually ARE on the side of the casino. We've been set up! Get out!

The horrifying truth. "Obey the Casino. The Casino is your friend. No independent thought."

The nameless, odious man continues to obfuscate and distort the issue. Even Ana seems convinced. I guess this video should be retitled "Casino Investigates and Fixes Incorrect Payout, Gives Woman Free Breakfast."

Well, not so fast, as we get a lame appeal to emotions from Ana, complete with empathic hand gestures. Mr. Douche actually seems to be convinced and adopts a more contemplative tone of voice as he concedes that even giving only half of the 42 million would still be an outrage, let alone the actual bone-ride that occurred.

"Up next, my five-star review for the Tucker Max movie."

His usual water-and-vinegar tendencies return in force, however, as he breaks down the full indignity: "doesn't have a thousand, doesn't have a hundred, etc." He declares the lesson is that we should avoid penny slots, but Ana will defend this much-maligned past-time to the bitter end, even adding an almost certainly apocryphal story about winning $400. We get a black screen, some breathing and a "what could possibly go wrong?" The new media, friends. May it reign forever.

Komment Korner

What a fag making dumb fuck jokes that are gay

Both spellings are correct , you dumb FAGOT

id sew the shit out of the casino if that happened 

This guy is a douche lol

One day, i walked into a casino and insert a quarter and won $425.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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