News You Can't Use: Minor League Baseball Team to Debut Urinal Video Games

Video Games, Minor League Baseball and assorted horrible bodily functions: these are the three pillars upon which the greatest nation to ever exist rests. This is why we'll always be Triple A Number One, regardless of what so-called "experts" who use "actual reality" to make those determinations say to the contrary. All that remains is to somehow unite this triumvirate to form one awe-inspiring whole, much like the Holy Trinity or Voltron.

Clearly all of human history has been pointing to this glorious moment, where the combined efforts of practical computing, low level sports and waste disposal converge, creating what is clearly humanity's crowning moment. Civilization can now disband, the goal that has been foremost in our minds since fire was first harnessed and animals domesticated has finally been realized. We can now play video games by pissing while at a Bush League game.

O brave new world, that has such urinals in't.

Pennsylvania's Lehigh Valley IronPigs will debut the "Urinal Gaming System" in its men's bathrooms—the custom urinals feature a "pee controlled" video screen that will entertain fans as they use the restroom.

As if attending an "IronPigs" game with other assorted human wreckage wasn't enough already. Now you're pissing with power. I certainly can't foresee any unintended consequences here. Nope, nothing could possibly go wrong.

The system is designed by a British company called Captive Media—in a demo for the urinal, the company shows a snowboarding slalom game in which the character is controlled by where the player pees.

Because freezing temperatures, some guy's rear end and physical injury are what you want to be thinking about during this intensely personal moment.

"If only I could somehow control this with my own waste..."

The IronPigs' Coca-Cola stadium will be the first American sports venue to feature the games. According to Captive Media, office complexes in Knoxville, Tenn. and Dallas, Texas already have them. There are about a dozen companies in Europe that have them as well..

...so this isn't really a first at all and isn't really news. Sorry to waste your time by pretending it was. 

According to the team, the first game will be an alpine skiing game but will be rotated in and out during the season. In a statement, Kurt Landes, the IronPigs' general manager, said "these games are sure to make a huge splash."

Story, with usual ads everywhere b.s. 

Komment Korner 

What a great idea. Make me what to drink water!

I can't wait to hear about the first drunk idiot that thinks you have to pee on the screen to play. You know it's going to happen!

Do I get extra credit for puking?

AMazing innovation. can I import my skyrim character?

Some korean kid will still steal the high score, even in this.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.