Sunday, March 10, 2013

DotTeeVee: Dumb Liberal Hippies Don't Know Why They're Protesting

It has recently come to my attention that there's something out there called "network television." I'm still somewhat sketchy on the details, but as best as I can tell it's a non-interactive version of the internet viewed mainly by degenerate morons and Luddites. Apparently these so-called "networks" even produce cutesy little amateur hour news shows, usually full of technical gaffes, factual errors and a general air of ineptitude. I find it fascinating why anyone would treat this as a serious source of information when fair superior online alternatives are available. In any case, I have randomly selected a news clip and will now perform my due diligence.

We get a short opening informing us that something called "CBS" is responsible for the abortion we're about to witness, complete with its bizarre eye logo. "We're watching, we're powerful, we even have a Youtube video with 718 dislikes!" I'm so scared CBS, whatever the hell that stands for. We're told that they are examining something called "Occupy Sacramento" which I'm assuming is a reference to the secret war we fought with California in 2011. While this opening is delivered another, smaller television screen shows footage. A teevee in your teevee, wtf LAMEstream media?

    Screens within screens, my friends.

The protestors, according to CBS 13, "lashed out" at an event that was "supposed to be peaceful." If you're expecting to see a reporter "bite the curb" or the like, forget it. The "lashing" consists of talking loudly in a not especially coherent fashion. Why we get this crazy hyperbole when the sad truth will be made manifest in just a few seconds is one of the bigger mysteries of this clip. We're already watching, you can stop with the con game.

The rather dull events to come are then described as "an unexpected confrontation" which is just bizarre considering the news team actively sought out the communist brigade. Maybe if the trust fund Che had popped out of a closet like a horrible smelling jack-in-the-box it would count as unexpected, but not the b.s. we end up getting. This is why no one watches Television any more. I think maybe a dozen people watched the Super Bowl, if that.

Is it just me or is that fist somewhat suggestive?

Anyway, the big clash between the 99% and the 1% consists of a scrawny, smiling person extending a finger toward the camera and maybe lightly brushing it. "They got in our face," declares the reporter, even though it's pretty clear from the footage that this is a feckless group of naive thrill-seekers. After the ugly "finger incident" everything settles down considerably. Taking into account that this is literally the "unwashed masses" you have to concede that the earlier bombastic language seems a little misplaced. 

Nothing screams individuality like a piece of merchandise mass produced in China.

It's time to ask the Big Question: "Why are you here?" Faced with this softball from a sympathetic interviewer the representative of the People's Revolution offers up awkward silence while the man that "lashed out" earlier rambles in a manner that suggests untreated mental illness. Man, where do I sign up for this? I can't wait to freak out squares and destroy capitalism with these crazy diamonds.

Oh here's the problem! I accidentally set my brain to "off."
Maybe the event organizer will have a better answer? After all, even a mighty Soviet state requires a strong dictator to keep things in line for awhile before voluntarily surrendering his power and stepping down once the Worker's Paradise has come to full fruition. Sadly our bush league Trotsky doesn't really fare much better than the other dregs interviewed. He basically says they'll figure out why they're here...tomorrow. This is what happens when the slacker generation tries its hand at Bolshevism. "I'll get off the couch and liquidate my enemies tomorrow Mom!" 

"Communism? I thought this was the line for One Direction!"

In an amazing coincidence we randomly select an attractive young lady with an unfortunate case of "Leno Chin" for the next interview. She basically has nothing of value to say (Yeah, really. I know, I was shocked, too) but in a funny bit some guys with their faces concealed jostle to be on camera in the back, despite the obvious fact that their identities are disguised, removing any point to this. 

Perhaps desperate for anything resembling a cogent argument or valid point we then talk to one of the few people over 25 at the event, a sixties leftover. He proudly declares his communist affiliation and I can imagine the reporter's thought process: "I'm trying to make these troglodytes look good and what do they do? Make endless moronic statements and then swear allegiance to the U.S.S.R. Gah!" The situation isn't helped by the former red diaper baby making crazy faces. 

 "Stalin had a lot of good ideas!"

The young lady from earlier gets another chance to display her mind boggling ignorance and doesn't disappoint, declaring she's here for "People!" after being fed that line from someone off camera. Finally, after all this b.s. we talk to a relatively normal older gentleman who is concerned about "corporate greed" ruining our country. I wonder what this well-meaning and sane man thought about being surrounded by mask-wearing goofs, communist true-believers, and bubble-headed morons. Something tells me this was his first and last protest.

The protesters plan on staying the night (Yay, sleepover! We can eat pizza and call boys!) but the Police State has declared that this will not be allowed. "This is tyranny, man! Rule of Law is fascist." We talk with a "young mother" who plans on staying the night. Even the reporter can't maintain his stoic neutrality in the face of this idiocy and tries to talk her out of it. She blows it off with a reference to "extra blankets."

  "Please tell the viewers what the hell you were thinking."

More lame "confrontation" follows. The protestors decide to turn the tables and ask the media why they're here. With this kind of cunning it's only a matter of time before capitalism, Western Democracy and the plutocracy are smashed into bite-sized pieces by these heroes of the proletarian. Honestly, I think they might be here to "do a story." I know it sounds crazy, but I just might be on to something.

"Impeach Bush!"

An effort to call a "time out" fails and we wrap up with some night shots and the reporter struggling to produce the correct date. Still caught up in sports metaphors we run down the "game plan" for the 99% and the police. Suffice it to say, they're at cross-purposes. We admit that maybe one valid point was raised by that one guy who probably left shortly afterward, never to return. "Will this grow and gain mass nation-wide popularity?" becomes the question. Major spoiler: No.

Komment Korner

Ahhh, a strawman from a retarded piece of shit.

are you effing kidding me? These monkeys are the future of our country?!?!?!?

The dude in the black hoody just wanted to hold a sign and yell lmao


atleast shes hot, i would fuck her

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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