Wednesday, March 20, 2013

News You Can't Use: Comfort Food Could Worsen Mood

If you're too much of a sissy wimp coward to inject the fruit of the golden triangle right into your neck veins chances are you're medicating yourself with food instead. If you're American, that chance is about as close to 100% as any statistical probability is going to get without some academic dishonesty going on. Yup, nothing better to fix that bad mood than shoveling massive portions of chemical poison into the old gaping maw while cholesterol-filled tears slide down your greasy, fat face. Welcome to the closest approximation of paradise that can be experienced in this fleshy prison (if you're too yellow-bellied to do needle drugs, that is). Incredibly, the argument has been advanced by nothing less than SCIENCE that this gorging process might not actually bring the happiness you would expect. Clearly further investigation is warranted and that's why this is News You Can't Use.

I feel better already. Also my arm is tingling.

Humans are often tempted to consume rich, unhealthy foods when feeling stress, depression or anger, a practice commonly referred to as “eating one’s feelings.”

I love the bizarre and condescending tone this article begins with. You crazy "humans" and your so-called "feelings." I can only surmise that this article was written by the world's smartest ape or the world's most average android. Let's try to understand this weird ritual conducted by "humans."

For many, fattening food options are also easier to obtain, and the consumption of comfort foods such as fast food is common practice in the United States – according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, 11.3 percent of the average American diet consisted of fast food between 2007 and 2010.

So if you were living in Bora Bora for the past forty years and just got an internet connection, somehow, and wanted to check how the good ole You Ess of Ayy was doing, there's your answer. We're stuffing greasy horse-meat in out grotesquely bloated faces.

After soda was outlawed, The Man came for me next. But I was ready.
CDC researchers additionally observed, “As lifestyles become more hectic, fast-food consumption has become a growing part of the American diet.”

As writers become more lazy, unattributed quotes has become a growing part of padding out an article.

The study, conducted at Pennsylvania State University, reportedly found that eating poorly not only worsens moods, it also doesn’t do much to alter moods positively before or during meals.

Fortunately lying, monkey-flying scientists have taken a break from proving atheism to ruin binge-eating. The goal of science seems to be to make sure everyone is deeply depressed all the time.

Zero facts.
The negative emotions experienced after treats are said to be primarily connected to concerns regarding body image and maintaining a proper diet.

I honestly wonder who is saying this. The article certainly doesn't know. More top quality "research" from an Ivy League diploma-mill.

Researchers reportedly collected data for the study by asking 131 women with unhealthy eating habits and self-image concerns – but who did not exhibit signs of an eating disorder – to travel with handheld computers that prompted the participants several times daily to answer questions about dietary choices and mood at a given time.

You have no signs of an eating disorder, but you eat in an unhealthy fashion. Here, take this handheld computer that will apply constant guilt to your fat ass throughout the day. Then let us know if you're happy. People are getting paid for this sort of drivel. 

As usual I recommend that you don't click that link unless you want to be bombarded with ads for garbage that no one, anywhere, needs. Does anyone actually click on that b.s., let alone waste money on it? Now there's a study. Pick people with unhealthy internet habits but no internet habit disorders. Give them another, tiny little computer. Track the mood. This is science. Can I has grant money?

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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