News You Can't Use: Standing Desks May Lead to Back Pain, Brain Drain

Sitting is bad. It's the new smoking, it compresses the spine, damages your organs and is a convenient scapegoat for your cold and distant relationships with your fellow work units. Standing is also bad, wrecking the joints, causing the footsore and leading to painful "I'm jelling" conversations. If there is  a posture that doesn't destroy our rapidly dying mortal shell we're still looking. Right now the most promising candidates are sobbing in a fetal ball and standing on one leg. The client is losing billions a second over this, we better solve it fast.

Standing desks, compared to conventional office seating, have been lauded for easing back pain, boosting alertness and helping people to lose weight.

I was alerted to all threats in the immediate proximity and lost ten pounds and several inches thanks to the exciting new "bank teller" exercise program.  

But new research suggests that using standing desks may actually not be as good for you as previously believed.  

Ugh, what part of "the science is settled" don't you eggheads understand?

A small but provocative study suggests that standing at a desk for a prolonged period of time can lead to “significant” discomfort and mental sluggishness.

Well, it definitely isn't comfortable, I'm not sure if we really needed a study, even a small one (It was cold, okay?) to confirm this. On the other hand, there's the decreased brain activity, which certainly explains all the bad decisions made by standing individuals in recorded history.

That’s what researchers at Curtin University in Australia found when they studied 20 adult subjects who undertook two hours of laboratory-based standing computer work.

Another Curtin University snob.

“Over time, discomfort increased in all body areas,” they wrote in the journal Ergonomics. “Sustained attention reaction time deteriorated,” they added, but “creative problem solving improved.”

My ability to talk my way out of this goofy "experiment" got much better as we entered the second hour, let me tell you.

The bottom line, researchers noted, is that “prolonged standing should be undertaken with caution.”

Stand up at your own risk, monkey-man.

Your screen ain't even on, bro.

The advice backs up a 2016 report in which adverse effects of standing were found to include “an increase in back pain or varicose veins or being more tired at the end of the day.”

We have scientifically quantified how "tired" or "Grumpy Gus" the subjects were.

Professor Alan Taylor, a physiotherapy expert at Nottingham University in England, told the Telegraph that standing desks are “not a panacea ....” And whether you sit or stand at your job, be sure to make time for a walk.

Next week: study links walking to heart failure, uncontrollable falling down syndrome and low energy.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: KFC Responds to U.K. Chicken Shortage Scandal

KFC went through a highly publicized, somewhat bizarre crisis in the U.K. this week: The fast food joint known for its fried chicken ran out of chicken.

Since absolutely nothing else happened last week you probably remember this dominating headlines. This was the disaster where something known for chicken had trouble with chicken, which is some very efficient sentence structure.

Now, KFC is apologizing with a creative stunt: rearranging its name to spell “FCK.”

I guess what exactly constitutes "creative" instead of "vulgar corporate group-think" is going to be a matter of personal opinion, at least to some extent.

The shortage stemmed from “operational issues” with new delivery provider DHL, forcing most of its 900 locations to temporarily shut down (some reopening with limited menus and shorter hours).

You devils and your so-called "operation" problems. We all know you just don't want to fry me up some cluckers and are coming up with elaborate and phony excuses to prevent this.

Disappointed fans of the chain were vocal on social media and even started trying to get police involved (police in both London and Manchester had to remind angry KFC fans that the “#KFCCrisis” isn’t a police matter).

I'm sure your quaint, unarmed police are going to be able to do something about Big Chicken; an organization so powerful and arrogant they'll imply the foulest of foul words in their official propaganda.

KFC even set up a website letting fans know where the closest open store was located. As of today, the BBC reported that around 700 of the KFC’s stores in the U.K. have reopened.

They even went so far as to have a website on the so-called "information road," if you can believe that, declares a reporter from 1993.

One dejected KFC fanatic admitted “I’ve had to go to Burger King” after repeatedly returning to KFC, where she was given free rice boxes.  

I'm willing to die for KFC, such is my fanaticism, but I guess I'll have to go to Burger Land or whatever.

Burger King wasn’t the only one to capitalize on the #KFCCrisis.  Iceland Foods offered free breaded chicken strips, while PETA tweeted about the state of the typical British chicken farm.

I'll have to try this "PETA" restaurant. I wonder what tasty animals they serve?

In The Sun and Metro, KFC ran a full-page print ad crafted by agency of record Mother London. The ad apologizes for the ordeal while admitting that “a chicken restaurant without any chicken” is “not ideal.”

What we did was inappropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

KFC’s apology appears to be getting a mostly positive reception from fans of the fast food chain on social media.

There's no better way to win respect and acclaim than by apologizing.

Just kill it and get it into a bucket, pal.

Founder and group managing director of Frank PR Andrew Bloch tweeted that the apology was a “masterclass in PR crisis management,” while other marketers and fans alike tweeted in praise of the brand’s apology.

This is the most amazing apology I've ever seen. You are truly the emperor of begging and groveling after failure.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Boston Dynamics is Teaching its Robot Dog to Fight Back Against Humans

I love sharing stories about New York and how we don't play up in here, sucker, but I've been somewhat remiss in not lavishing attention on Boston and all the wild stuff going on there. Things like robot dogs that are being programmed to turn on their human makers, because that's a nice logical thing you'd do in between drinking bee-ahs and cheering for numbah fo-ah out on the ice. Thanks to the efforts of masshole futurists you're going to want to make sure that your electronic best friend comes from somewhere else.

It appears that, just like their flesh and blood counterparts, you just can’t put a good robot dog down, even if you’re a human fighting it for control of a door.

Who's a good robot dog? You are, boy! What with how you battle against me for door rights, zapping out lasers and sonic cones and maybe even pushing gently with your metallic snout.

Boston Dynamics’ well-mannered four-legged machine SpotMini has already proved that it can easily open a door and walk through unchallenged, but now the former Google turned SoftBank robotics firm is teaching its robo-canines to fight back.

You have to wonder why anyone thought this was a good idea.

A newly released video shows SpotMini approaching the door as before, but this time it’s joined by a pesky human with an ice hockey stick.

Numbah fo-ah on the fohcheck! Time to stick lift a steel retriever. Can't you see this is an interference penalty? We should be on the powah-play. This is gahbage.

Unperturbed by his distractions, SpotMini continues to grab the handle and turn it even after its creepy fifth arm with a claw on the front is pushed away.

Time to go back to my place and show you my creepy fifth limb.

In a last-ditch effort to stop the robot dog breaching the threshold, the human grabs at a leash attached to the back of the SpotMini and yanks.

My one weakness! How could you have known, flesh-sack?

The robot valiantly trudges forward attempting to shake off this cowardly move, losing its tail in the process and looking ever more like a dog fighting its owner. 

That amazing plot twist where humans were the real villains in the Robot Wars. Stop sending terminators into the past and pulling off my tail while blocking a door and fight fair you cowards!

Boston Dynamics describes the video as “a test of SpotMini’s ability to adjust to disturbances as it opens and walks through a door” because “the ability to tolerate and respond to disturbances like these improves successful operation of the robot”.

Finally an answer to "What if I crack dis crazy critter with muh hockey stick?"

The firm helpfully notes that, despite a back piece flying off, “this testing does not irritate or harm the robot”.

No machines were harmed in the making of this video.

Imagine the goalie is a dog and the net is a door and this is basically what happened.

But teaching robots to fight back against humans may might end up harming us. 

What part of "What could possibly go wrong?" didn't you understand?

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

While the world is in hysterics over religion, science continues to create a bleak and horrifying future in the background.

Robot lives matter! 

we already know the robot response: "KILL ALL HUMANS"

Count me as one citizen and member of the human race who sees the work you do as the result of a fundamental choice you have made to subordinate human power to machine power; and worse, to place that power in the hands of large organizations serving private interests.

they better some spayed and neutered or its gonna be big trouble

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION, Part V

I'm still hoping to get this scintillating inquiry into the most highly legitimate political movement in today's America (and Canada!) finished before the heat death, so we better get at it. Last time on Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned we met the man who briefly denied his beliefs before having a moment of glorious redemption and then getting promptly wrecked, we discussed the implications of confronting a canine fascist accuser and an attempt to actually pull a "nine-tenths of the law" swift one failed miserably. Let's dig in for some more!

We hit the ground running with out shirtless and tattooed "free man" fleeing law enforcement in his personal means of travel (it's not a car because it's not for commercial usage). We pan around the private property's interior, revealing a pile of undifferentiated garbage in the back seat and the rather twitchy demeanor of the Free Man of the Land. More wild camera work follows as a police chase that apparently wasn't sufficiently wild enough to make it on one of those "special interests" VHS rentals concludes.  We do get a nice shot of our hero's extremely impressive torso, so there's that. "Let me see your hands!" How can I trick-talk my way out of this one?

The hero we deserve.

"Who are you?" Yes, that's a quality rejoinder. Sirens, a gun, a badge, it really is an impenetrable mystery. Please explain yourself. We're quickly informed it's the "police," which I never would have guessed in a million attempts. This is followed by an attempt to claim that the scumbag Murrican answer to Ghandi is in "his own jurisdiction" and as such is immune to all laws. If that wasn't enough, he also didn't do anything. Is it wrong that I'm hoping "Mad Cop Disease" will kick in and this piece of work will get stomped?

Instead, a failed "broken wrist" gambit fails to prevent the cuffing and the scene abruptly ends, just as I was fully engaged in the action.

Next up is footage of a face-cam on a phone, like this is an episode of The Jetsons or something. Man, the miraculous future we live in. What amazing message is being transmitted over this science as magic, you ask? Something about "breaking the lock" after eviction, which is just crazy enough to succeed, I feel. Addition profanity and passive-aggressive threats toward the police follow, as if this scuzzy character is cutting a backyard wrestling promo in 1999 or something. Again, it just ends there, without any actual "ownage." I'm getting a little worried. Maybe the uploader thought no one would watch all the way through, but I'm nothing if not persistent in the most work-shy way possible.

Am I being detained?

How about some highly avant-garde footage of a floor and shoes? Meanwhile, the owner of said footwear claims to be a "non-resident alien" as if this would grant you special rights and freedom from legal obligations. I know, that's just crazy, who would ever get that kind of idea? It turns out its time to get a van. "I don't take orders from you!" We must never build a wall on our border, it's immoral and bad and you're a good person, right?

Apparently, our "dreamer" wants to take the cars of the police, to make up for the crimes committed involving his family. For whatever reason, this isn't happening. Come on, it's the right thing to do. This is not who we are. Next clip, please.

The latest Resistor claims he doesn't even have a name. Could this be an even more powerful version of the "I'm my own jurisdiction" end-around that failed so miserably earlier in today's clip? Time to argue with some desk officers. I bet this achieves a lot.

"I'm serving notice!" Then we go round and round with that game where both sides talk past each other and nothing gets accomplished, one of my favorite activities. "I do not consent to killing children!" "How can I help you?" that sort of thing.

After an unsupported claim of having strong sanity it's back to arguing who has authority and to what extent. It's like a John Stuart Mill book came alive, wow. The officer is still wondering what he can do about our hero renouncing his participation in absolutely everything. An effort is made to wrap this up. "I do not consent!" 

"The door's right there." Don't let it hit you. Another officer joins this experiment in individual value, demanding the Free Man go outside. Don't do it, that's where all the brutality happens! Sadly, the only other alternative is a "jail cell." Also, "don't do this in front of kids!" Won't somebody, etc.

Instead of meekly leaving, however, it's time to claim victory. "I'm the King!" They are then told "Don't come back," as the potato filming this nonsense completely breaks down into pixelated visual puke. 

We conclude with one of those Twenty Minutes investigative reporting deals you used to get from the fake news monopoly before they switched to the all Russia format we've had for the past year. An "expert" who is probably less qualified than I am after watching all these Youtube videos, explains that Sovereign Citizens believe our names are sold to foreign investors and somewhere in Bahrain or wherever someone is probably hoping to short-sell mine. 

Actually, China is the big purchaser, we're told. Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense. See you eight months from now with Part VI.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: NASA to Investigate 10,000-Year-Old Mystery Rock that ‘Shows Paintings of UFOs and Aliens’

It's nice to finally see another highly credible story of saucer people interacting with our ancient ancestors, as confirmed by heavily faded and deeply ambiguous paintings on a rock. If this doesn't convince you, I'm not sure what it's going to take. Now it's time to bring in NASA for investigation, which, I guess, will mainly consist of "That kinda looks like Marvin the Martian, doesn't it?" and then mumbled agreement followed by a massive cover-up just for fun.

In the footage, a narrator explains how a number of art pieces have been revealed.

Who are you to disagree with a narrator?

Discovered in Charama, India, the images appear to show aliens and UFOs, similar to scenes of a sci-fi movie.

You know, like in a spaceman film on your sex box? Because your mind has been completely destroyed by mainstream media, booze and pills we have to put this into the most banal possible terms in hopes you'll somehow comprehend.

According to local archaeologist JR Bhagat it is unclear as to what the images reveal.

We should consider this sensible statement as a blank check to begin making the wildest and most baseless speculations possible.

He said: "The findings suggest that humans in prehistoric times may have seen or imagined beings from other planets which still create curiosity among people and researchers. 

Well, that or its just mythological images that aren't really intended to depict anything in the real world, but that's a lot more likely to be correct and also less fun.

Extensive research is needed for further findings.

We're going to need a lot more funding, that's for sure.

“Charama presently doesn't have any such expert who could give clarity on the subject.“

I think we all know who to send for...

Yes, it is.

He added: "The paintings are done in natural colours that have hardly faded despite the years.

As opposed to "unnatural colors," whatever that would actually be.

“In few pictures, they are even shown wearing space suits. We can't refute possibility of imagination by prehistoric men but humans usually fancy such things.”

You crazy humans and your so-called "imagination."

One comment read: "Evidence is everywhere, we need opened eyes, that's all."

Open your eyes, sheeple, you're being lied to!

And another claimed: "We dont need to find aliens, they are already here all around us."

[Illegal immigration joke goes here]

Full Article.

Komment Korner     

We are still trying to recover from the guy who had his portrait painted by a man who likes to depict black women beheading white women.

I saw an alien painted with a bunch of plants sitting on a chair.  Had 6 fingers too.

What?  Rabbits can't talk?   But what about Bugs Bunny and Peter Rabbit?

There is TONs of evidence that has been around 100 years.  This is not NEWS...  The only question is why is this only NOW making it to the main stream?

And if you laugh at this and deny it, it only means that you have not investigated it at all but are only rolling along with the worldview of the deluded, controlled masses.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Chef Throws Chilli Powder in Complaining Customer's Face

Going to a restaurant just makes good sense. It solves that common problem of having a pocket stuffed with cash, it allows you to supplement a struggling actress's beggary wages with so-called "tipping" and nothing tastes better than warm food made by a potentially diseased total stranger, something otherwise completely unavailable in your pathetic, hedonistic and atomized life. Still, things can go wrong and you might end up taking a hot blast right to your face. And not in the good way.

Ejaculation.

A curry house owner threw chilli powder in a customer's eyes when he complained about "rubbery" chicken in the Prince of Bengal in Tonypandy, Wales.

When you're at a friends house and the food just ain't no good you pretty much have to grin and bear it, but no such restraints exist at a Welsh Indian cuisine simulator, obviously. Just be ready for some blow-back after you fire off your clever similes re: the disappointing entree.

A jury saw CCTV footage of Kamrul Islam, 47, which appears to show the chef throwing a large fistful of chilli powder in the face of a complaining diner. 

Some juries have all the luck. I got stuck with some "absentee father" hearing that involved absolutely no entertaining "decline and fall" multimedia whatsoever.

Mr Islam is on trial, accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm on David Evans, who he threw the spice at on 21 January last year.

Yes, cooking spices caused permanent damage to my biological well-being. Give me money.

CCTV footage played at Merthyr Tydfil Crown Court depicted the moment Mr Evans followed Mr Islam to the kitchen.

Is it just me or does "Mr. Islam" sounds like a villain pro wrestler circa 2002?

Mr Islam says he was very frightened as he walked away from the table of the complaining Mr Evans and his wife, and that he picked up the chilli powder to defend himself from Mr Evans, who he said had clenched his fist in the doorway to the kitchen.

It's too bad there isn't some way this trial can end with everyone being punished, including the lawyers.

 How to use chili powder to win fights, etc.

The court heard Mr and Ms Evans ordered two Cobra beers and two bottles of wine but the couple said the second bottle of wine had not been started.

Now I know for sure that I'm a better person than these two profligates because I drink King Cobra, the ruler and sovereign of the their beer of choice. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!

Ms Evans told the jury that she posted on Facebook about the incident the following day because she “wanted to tell the people of Tonypandy and the surrounding area that if they went there this is what they might be treated like”.

Still better than your usual poverty-tier memes, lame Youtube videos and depressing self photography.

Jurors were told that Mr Evans was taken to hospital and a saline drip was used to clean his eyes. He was found to have suffered burns when the spice landed on him.
 

Now I bet you feel bad about laughing before. Also, my brother died that way.

He denies assault occasioning actual bodily harm. The trial continues.

It's only 2018 and we already have a strong contender for Trial of the Century.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Comedy Is Not Pretty, and Nowadays It Isn’t Even Funny

We are facing a humor famine. After many comfortable decades of braying like a buffoon while tears stream down your fat greasy face at dat funny doe, we're suddenly finding the knee-slapper harvest devoured by a dust bowl of thin skin, sanctimony and Right Think. Everything that might even generate a smile is offensive, if not Room 101 material, and acting as a jester for wealthy oligarchs is not the ticket to happy-town you might expect it to be. What's the solution, then? Well, there isn't any, but here's some more words bemoaning the sad state of affairs.

I found myself seated at my computer last month, watching on YouTube  

Wow, what a glamorous and exciting life you lead, Wall Street Journal columnist.

the comedian Bill Maher talk about Donald Trump’s marriage. If you don’t share Mr. Maher’s politics, you are likely to find him an odious, even loathsome character, for he doesn’t really exist outside politics. 

I would like to think we can all unite as one people in finding this guy to be loathsome. If we can't agree on something as self-evident as that, where else are we going to find common ground?

His standard tone is mockery, his modus operandi to lacerate his targets with obscenities, flash a nervous smile, and then bask in applause from his audience.

That Drumpf, he's an idiot! Fudge! Bushel baskets! *nervous smile* *wild applause*

I was watching Mr. Maher on YouTube to see how far he would go on the subject of the Trump marriage. Would he attack the Trumps’ 11-year-old son, or perhaps attack the family for not having a dog?

...and what's the deal with not having a dog? Every healthy home is also an amateur kennel, right?

His final punch line was that Melania Trump hadn’t accompanied her husband to Davos, Switzerland, because she had spent the day having to “lay a wreath on the tomb of the unknown trophy wife.”

Why would the trophy wife of a celebrity be "unknown" and why would his next wife be expected to mourn her? I may have found a logical problem, here.

Yet to have taken what I think of as the Trumpian option in their comedy has rendered these comedians charmless while strikingly limiting their audiences to those who share their politics.

Meanwhile, jokes about t.v. dinners, airline food, toilet seats and why 24 hour gyms have locking doors are going unmade.

I recently wrote a book on the subject of charm, in preparation for which I asked a great many people to name five persons in public life they thought charming.

I just want to mention I wrote a book and am something of a big shot. Stop with the lame promotion, buddy. No one wants to hear it. 

Yet these insufficiently funny comedians, with their crude political humor, do little more than add to the sad divisiveness that is rending the country.

We need more "getting along" jokes.

Right, looks like the bloody Labour Party has done it again...

Something, surely, has been lost if one can no longer turn to comedy as a relief from the general woes of life and the greater farce that has for some years now been playing out in our everyday politics. 

After all of that, you commit the same crime you were condemning.

Full Article.

Komment Korner    

We should be more diligent before taking a hardened position, let alone accepting someone else's.

I think what we need is some bubble wrap made for conservatives

I wished Samantha Bee would run for Congress.

Pieces like this erode the credibility of the organization.

want to really laugh?  look at a mirror.

Take a close look at your TV Remote device and you'll see a button saying, "ON." Don't press it (I don't).

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Dead Goose Falls From Sky, Sends Waterfowl Hunter To Shock Trauma

I've decided to switch to a format of covering nothing but objects falling from the sky with tragi-comic results. Yes, I see big things for "Chicken Little Lectures" in the future, but maybe having somewhat regular posts would be a better starting point. In any case, today's offering barely even qualifies as a news story, quite frankly, but there's enough "that ain't no duck, son" controversy to make it worthwhile. Well, not really, but if I'm going to live with perpetual flat-pocket, I'm not about to surrender that sweet editorial control. Also, please ignore the "that isn't funny, this guy got really hurt and my brother died that way" aspects, it's for the best.

An Eastern Shore waterfowl hunter was flown to Shock Trauma Thursday, according to the Maryland Natural Resources Police.

When the hunter becomes the hunted, oh the irony. Seriously, ain't it heavy, man?

Investigators say 51-year-old Robert Meilhammer was hunting with others in Easton near the Miles River shortly before 5 p.m. when a dead goose fell from the sky, knocked unconscious and caused him head and facial injuries.

I love all the missing details and the fragmentary and intentionally misleading narrative. I mean, are geese simply falling like rain, did this guy shoot it, or is there some even more incredible alternative explanation? I feel we all deserve to know.

Maryland Natural Resources Police, Talbot County Sheriff’s Office deputies and local EMS responded to the scene.

Bird falls on armed man, multiple government agencies swing into action. Keep paying those taxes.

Out of an abundance of caution, it was decided to drive the victim by ambulance to Easton Airport, where he was airlifted to Shock Trauma for treatment.

Now it's time to grind in addition indignity with that whole "abundance of caution" line. Yes, this guy was such a wuss that after a kamikaze attack by a honking water-bird we needed several alphabet agencies to drag him into unnecessary medical care.

He has been listed in stable condition, according to officials.

The body will heal, the spirit is, presumably, permanently broken.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

He should have ducked.

Gives me Goose bumps just thinking about it

Back in school we had “Duck Drills”

No offense, but do Americans know the difference between a goose and a duck. The hunter shot and killed a duck but a dead goose fell out of the air and hit him on the head.

I wish Dr Walter Palmer’s arrow missed, and Cecil the lion mauled that demented dentist to death.

So many ugly, liberal comments on here. Many people like my father hunt for food. Chances are, this guy was hunting for that reason. Nobody wants to eat hormone infused meat from the store. I hope this man recovers. What a freak accident.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.