Either way, we hit the ground running with yet another Article Four Free Inhabitant running afoul of highway revenue collectors. Our new hero announces he's not turning off his "live stream," in a bizarre sing-song voice no less, all but giving us notarized proof of his membership in Generation Nothing. We're always "streaming" those misfortunes, we hold camera phones like protective amulets and generally use technology as a stand-in for old fashioned disassociative psychoses. He's also not going to obey the instructions of the jack boot squad, but you're a Sovereign Citizen and Free Man of the Land, so that was already implied. The more of a grueling and violent ordeal we can make this routine stop, the more we have stood up for our sacred freedom to drive like a lunatic or not bother with license plates, these being some of most basic rights given by nature and nature's God.
Soon to be the fifth face on Mount Rushmore.
The bespectacled traveler refuses a request to get out of the vehicle, claiming he "does not feel safe." It's pretty disappointing stuff, actually. This is the part where you're supposed to explain how your car isn't really a car and a treaty from 1745 gives you the right to run stop signs. Despite this breach of Free Man decorum the unseen officer promises a trip to the green bar motel if compliance isn't obtained. Forget you, man, it's totally worth it to spent time in the jug if it means I don't have to voluntarily open a car door. Or, "For resisting WHAT!?!" if you prefer.
But it's a lawful order! More like an awful order, right? Whoa man, far out. Is that freedom rock you're playing, by the way?
Sadly, the door is opened after some more threats and the best the defeated livestreamer can manage is timidly asking if the fascists would stop yelling. Now they broke you, man. Next thing you'll be talking about how much you love Big Brother. Anyway, here's your ticket, time to sign it like the meaningless corporate bar code you've become. "Why are you being so aggressive?" Well, I got the idea from a cheer I heard at a high school football game.
Bubble gum, bubble gum, pop pop pop, we think your Orwellian police state is a flop. Important note: pom poms may be required for this cheer, consult with your coach.
We don't get an answer to why the aggression is occurring. Instead, there's stereo demands to sign the ticket from both unseen stasi. More back and forth, plus there's some debate over a flashlight and the decision is finally made not to sign this contract with the devil after all. Yes! Down with the beast system! The fact that you briefly doubted yourself makes you more a hero, not less of one. Then the strong-arming and thuggery kicks off. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tonight on "Arresting Joey Lawrence."
"Stop resisting!" Fade to black.
Without even pausing to reflect on the amazing morality play we just witnessed it's time for another confrontation with the so-called legitimate authorities. My professor told me to question everything and I accepted that uncritically. In this confrontation our identity figure is already under arrest, so we can skip the "Am I being detained?" foreplay and get to the good stuff (glass breaking, tasers, pitiful wailing, etc). A police dog (two legs bad, four legs even worse) apparently detected contraband in the means of travel and the Free Man now asks to confront the dog. I'm not even joking. For real, this happens. Who is a furry tool of tyranny? You are, boy! Yes, you are!
No pasaran, dog! Bad dog!
The discussion turns to the planned removal of the man who did nothing wrong from his conveyance, countered with more blanket denials of any wrong-doing. It's now time for what we all came for: the destruction of automotive windows. Sometimes I think the whole Sovereign Citizen movement was a psy-op created by Auto Glass Specialists to drive business their way. "Close your eyes!" Yup, here it comes baby. You ready for it? Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Our humble narrator adds an annotation stating he didn't see anything else because his eyes were closed. Will peek-a-boo prevent this ridiculous usurpation? We're about to find out. Using what looks like one of those little hammers a doctor employs to test your knee response, the faceless representative of totalitarian nightmares smashes the glass and then immediately deploys the taser! This is the Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned equivalent of the double jackpot. The blind guardian of freedom starts howling and I think I need a cigarette.
Hey, it's a quick update on the crazy lady who took over a house from last time! The fake news anchor informs us she's learning "how much time she'll spend behind bars" so I guess that whole "move into a house that's for sale and start living in it" master plan might have had some weaknesses. Still, our undocumented homeowner is claiming to be "Moorish-American" and that "laws don't apply to her" so I'm sure the judge will ignore the most basic first principles of property ownership that our entire civilization was built upon because she said the magic words.
For now, we're left in suspense.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.