Sunday, May 31, 2015

Pizza Nightmares

Are you ready for some high-concept comedy? Inspired by this review thread for a national chain that boasts a product that "Tastes less like vulcanized rubber than ever!"


"I was told there was going to be a ninety minute delivery time. When it hadn't arrived after two hours I called them and was told there was no God, even at this very moment we're steadily dying, everything is ultimately meaningless, concepts like justice and love are fictions created to keep us from committing suicide and the unthinkable confrontation with oblivion awaits. I suffered profound depression and the bread sticks I ordered were cold when they arrived. Just like the grave and the nothing that awaits.

"When my order came, late of course, I opened the box to discover it was full of cement. I can't eat that! What a disappointment. Price was reasonable, delivery guy was friendly."


"I placed an order for wacky bread and a Cleveland Mixer. Four hours later a brick with the word 'peetza' (sic) written on it in what looked like blood crashed through my front window. I probably would not recommend this place to a friend."

"I was with my lover in an apartment in the prole area, rebelling against the system from the waist down. I ordered a single decker with extra sauce and napkins. Instead a chopper came to chop off my head, metaphorically speaking. I was tortured in an underground complex and forced to wear some sort of rat helmet. I thought they were going to eat my face. I never got the pizza."


"After an agonizing wait my pies finally arrived. The delivery man was friendly, maybe too friendly knowing what I now know. Everything was going fine until I realized there was a human jawbone, still fresh from being torn out or whatever right in the center of my carb-load. Why would that happen? Might be awhile before I order again."

"The wait time was so severe I can say without exaggeration that no human being has suffered worse than I have. When it finally came I was disappointed to discover that 'everything on it' doesn't mean what I thought it did."


"I put in an order at 6 pm. I called every hour and was assured it was 'on the way.' When I called at ten I got a recording stating the place was closed. I shook my fist impotently at the ceiling, bawling like a freshly gelded bullock."

"I tried the double toppings with fresh tapir grindings. Two days later I ran into my ex-wife and got bitched out over being a so-called 'deadbeat.' I earnestly believe those two events are somehow connected."


"After a wait that rivaled the Israelites in Egypt awaiting their deliverer I finally got a stale, cold product. I called to complain and they hung up. Moments later they called back and threatened my person. I had the police trace the call and it was coming from inside my house."


"I viewed some highly specialized pornography that gave me expectations about the delivery process that were, in hindsight, somewhat unrealistic."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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