Wednesday, May 27, 2015

News You Can't Use: FIFA Executive Committee Member Spent 6K Per Month On Apartment For His Cats

I'm trying my best to show the proper outrage at the latest scandal from the world of Scoreless Tie Ball, but there's a number of factors making it difficult. Living through seemingly endless petty wrongdoing from those with even the slightest amount of authority leaves one somewhat calloused and I'm American and as such have great difficulty appreciating the grass version of hockey where the blue line is invisible and constantly moving and having a giant goal doesn't seem to help any. Still, we should be able to mine some entertainment from the almost unbelievable corruption, right?

As the blows continue to reign down upon FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association, international soccer’s governing body) in the wake of this morning’s arrest of 14 people associated with the organization in Zurich, Switzerland, new revelations regarding how exactly the investigation unfolded has slowly come to light.

"Right, can't believe there's dodgy behavior," declares the typical fan, in between beating another fan with a tire iron because they were rooting for Manchester instead of Manchester City.

One of the key players in the operation was former FIFA Executive Committee member turned FBI/IRS informant Chuck Blazer, who had quite a lavish lifestyle before the agencies caught wind of his corrupt and fraudulent practices.

In exchange for your snitching we'll overlook the massive wrongdoing you arrogantly engaged in. This is the cornerstone of a healthy system of jurisprudence.

Besides not paying taxes on his multi-million dollar income for nearly a decade, Blazer had what the Daily News decried “a fleet of mobility scooters to move from feast to feast,” to help transport the 400-plus pound Blazer between “a world of private jets, famous friends, secret island getaways, offshore bank accounts” and “much fine food and drink.”

Talk about lavish! He was a digestive tract attached to a barely functioning life support system. This is what heaven will be like for your typical Wal-Mart patron.

If that’s not “rich” enough, when Blazer wasn’t gallivanting about he was residing in his posh $18,000 per month apartment on the 49th floor of New York’s Trump Tower. Plus, he knew his next door neighbor’s pretty well too because, well, they were his cats.

I guess that's pretty outrageous. I'm still trying to imagine the mobility scooter motor pool, in all honesty.

Blazer is a New York native who represented American soccer interests in FIFA from 1998-2013. During much of that time Blazer also served as the general secretary of CONCACAF, or the Confederation of North, Central America and Caribbean Association Football.

Responsibilities included inhaling food, providing luxury accommodations for Shithead the Cat and voting "No" to any proposal that might make soccer faster paced or more exciting.

Since 2012, Blazer recorded numerous high-profile conversations with high-ranking FIFA officials and according to the LA Times, those tapes are “at the heart of the three-year FBI investigation.” 

See, massive invasive spying operations are completely vindicated by the fact that we might be able to punish some suits controlling the world's worst sport.

Meanwhile, the 70-year-old Blazer, who has been reported by numerous outlets to be in bad health due to colon cancer, has pleaded guilty to racketeering, wire fraud, income tax evasion and money laundering, according to the LA Times.

Man, I'm so jealous of this guy and his amazing lifestyle.

I'll just follow this corruption story until they actually send someone to prison...

Additionally, The New York Times has reported that U.S. officials have “vowed to pursue” more charges against corrupt FIFA officials and their fraudulent practices.

It's the kind of outrage that makes you wonder how many days until the NFL starts up again. 

Komment Korner  

I hear FIFA was a taco stand involved in money laundering...

We need to throw tax money at the problem to fix it.

Pics of the cat's home please.

Just imagine how self-indulgent and narcissistic one has to be to live like this on OPM.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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