Wednesday, June 3, 2015

News You Can't Use: Company Launches Mood-Changing Wearable that Zaps Brains

Interested in brain hacks? Well, put down that ice pick and claw hammer because modern technology and, of course, phones have found a way to trick your mind into, well, doing what the mind wants. Sorry if that didn't make any sense, it's pretty metaphysical for something involving "apps" and attaching plastic to your dome. The main takeaway is we can now mimic the effects of actual achieving something or getting a good night's sleep via neurological "zapping." Yes, it's pretty technical.

A newly-released headset hopes to wake people up or calm them down by manipulating the electricity in their brain.

No more being a slave to head lightning. Now getting that valuable calm time is as simple as affixing a potentially dangerous device to the skull and riding those sweet currents to happy town.

Thync costs $299 and has just been released to the public. It provides “calm or energy on demand”, the company says, by using “neurosignalling” to activate nerves and change people’s state of mind.

Nice and economical, too. This is the greatest invention ever. A better life awaits through neurosignalling. And, much like a thermos, it can be hot or cold.

The Thync looks like a small, white plastic triangle that is placed on the forehead. Its then fed with “Vibes” — specially-formulated zaps that either wake people up or calm them down.

Sorry about all the technical jargon. It is pretty complicated. Chinese plastics are positioned over the third eye. Then the good vibrations keep on coming. Soon you're mimicking the effects of either goof balls or pep pills.

The whole thing is controlled by phones. The zapping lasts an hour but the effects can go on for long after that, the company claims.

Get ready to see generation nothing staring down at the glowing friend, administering jolts to the gray wrinkles, even more detached from reality and abhorrent than they currently are, if possible.

A number of different reviewers have tried the zapping, claiming that it really does wake up or put to sleep its users.

Nameless reviewer says "It really works!" Those Amazon reviews look downright legitimate compared to this nonsense.

The launch comes in the context of the government’s new laws on “legal highs”, which some claimed had such excessive scope that they essentially banned everything.

Get that smile off your face. It's against the law.

Let me set this thing to "happy."

But the text from the Queen’s Speech that announced it said that it banned “any substance intended for human consumption that is capable of producing a psychoactive effect” — and since the Thync works by manipulating electrical energy rather than a material substance, it should be allowed.

Expect exciting "matter energy equivalence" debates from wig-clad solicitors. 

Komment Korner  

A science-fiction novel describing a similar device

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name."

A hammer has a 'calming' effect, too, and costs far less than USD$299.

What could go wrong?

I am so 'Zzappedd' that I cannot thynk of a thyng to say

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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