Wednesday, June 24, 2015

News You Can't Use: Mystery as 600 Dogs Jump from 'Haunted Suicide Bridge'

Today's adventure in journalism with no practical application involves what might happen if the films "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and "101 Dalmatians" were mated together by the forces of demonic evil. Only in this case there's 600 dogs, they represent breeds other than firehouse mascot and they're going to the Bad Place as suicides to join Hitler's dog and the evil Lassie that mauled Timmy. Yes, our furry friends are jumping off the suicide bridge...but why? Fortunately online reportage is on the case.

Animal psychologists are baffled by the bizarre phenomenon that has seen up to 600 dogs jump off the bridge for no apparent reason.

The Freudian animal psychologists are blaming mother issues and the death drive, while Rogerian ones see the problem as a lack of "That's a good boy" unconditional positive regard.

Explanations range from the curious canines being over-excited, to ghosts haunting the century-old bridge next to Gothic castle Overtoun House.

I can't control my diving from a height level. I want to blank my body up with gravity, I can't help it. Also, this is Europe, so a century-old bridge is new construction with no history.

Some locals in West Dunbartonshire, Scotland, even claim it could be the spirit of the 'White Lady of Overtoun' who has been sighted there for over 100 years.

It's certainly as plausible as "Rover got all aroused by a bridge and is now playing catch the frisbee in Hell."

Religious and philosophy teacher Paul Owens told the Sun: "I was standing there two years ago when I felt a firm, hard prod that felt like a finger.

Yeah, that's not my finger bumping into you.

"Something or someone was trying to push me over the bridge too, just like the dogs."

My overly active imagination has turned against me!

A sign now warns dog owners of the "dangerous bridge" reading: "Please keep your dogs on a lead."

As long as your dog is all full of lead, it should have trouble jumping and be resistant to radiation.

Another, more scientific, theory suggests minks below are responsible for attracting dogs with their powerful musk scent.

Minks. Nature's psychotic pranksters. We can now stop feeling bad about turning these evil monsters into winter fashions.

Leading animal behaviourist Dr David Sands investigated the cases for Animal Planet and offered an alternative explanation.

Before you go blaming future coats or the spirits of the dead, let's hear from an expert on height-related canine mortality.

"I've looked at pictures but coming to the place for the first time, it has a kind of strange feeling. It's perfectly natural for people to want to look down and I'm wondering if it's the same for dogs."

I had these feelings. I bet dogs are like that, too. Clearly this is not the scientist you'd ask to explain how magnets work.

No! Bad!

"I think it's highly likely at all of the cases that it was curiosity that killed the dog."
Animal psychology, folks. When the regular kind is not enough of a con game.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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