Civilization V Countdown: #9 Byzantium

We pick up the most scientifically and aesthetically pleasing attempt to rank the civilizations with the Eastern Roman Empire! Because being able to play as Rome, Greece and The Ottoman Empire isn't adequate coverage of this geographic region, not even close. I want to experience what Gibbon regarded as an extra thousand years worth of less interesting decline and collapse.

Why is Byzantium #9?

Greek fire! The dromon might be my favorite unique unit in the entire game, from the flamethrower animation when it attacks to the ability to conquer coastal cities early in the game when there's little your enemies can do about it. Then upgrade those experienced dromons into galeasses and then frigates to take even more cities. The religion bonus is one extra choice from any of the categories is also fun, providing almost as much entertainment as reading posts by people whining that they get a religious bonus but no help with faith and you obviously wouldn't prioritize shrines or a pantheon or display any situational awareness whatsoever. As for Theodora, I love how lazed-out she always is, just maxin' and relaxin' on a balcony no matter how bad things are going and generally resembling a "Did you get a job today?" teen more than one of history's most interesting women.

I'll do my homework later.

Most Memorable Game as Byzantium?

I was looking to perform some of that peaceful turtle power and maybe spread my extra-strength Orthodoxy, but my neighbor was the Huns, so you can guess how well that went. I conquered one of their cities with my dromons and some spearmen, made peace and pretty much assumed that was the end of that. Then they started another war and took their city back. I was upgrading my badly out-of-position navy for revenge, but then the game was abandoned in favor of a new beginning, probably as one of the top eight yet to be revealed. As much as I enjoy playing the Second Rome, I really haven't had many remarkable games with them, as you probably guessed after reading the above anecdote.

All those Greek words roughly translate to "get rekt."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Colleges Turn to Coloring Books to De-Stress Students

How would you like to go to an adult version of kindergarten for four years for a six figure price tag? Did I mention you can get a loan for that exorbitant charge that won't fall due until those four years are over, which is such a long time it will probably never come, right? What do you mean, "no?" Come back here, the entire future of our society somehow depends on maintaining this farce. And if you're still not convinced how about some coloring books? This is preparing future leaders and high-achievers, honest it is.

In the age of safe spaces and trigger warnings comes another new trend to the college repertoire: coloring books.

One of the clients yelled at me, Mr. Johnson, so I'm going to hide in this beanbag fort for a few hours. I'm sure you understand, I'm quite fragile emotionally and display almost zero indication of adult maturity and you as the employer should have to cater to that just like my diploma mill did.

This fall, campuses nationwide are offering coloring books to students to help them de-stress.

Well, it was that or allowing you to declare bankruptcy on your student loans after you become a hopeless derelict and we're certainly not considering that option. Here, try this wacky word find game.

At American University on Monday, its counseling center provided coloring sheets in honor of Healthy Campus Week, noting on its Facebook page that adult coloring books “can help with a number of emotional and mental health issues.” Conditions cited include obsessive-compulsive, eating, anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as anger management and substance abuse issues.

Filling in pictures of cartoon animals cured my heroin addiction, brought my explosive temper to heel, made me happy and calm, hungry, less concerned with constant hand-washing and it maybe cured my Type H Hepatitis.

“The time and focus that adult coloring takes helps the individual remove the focus from the negative issues and habits, and focus them in a safe and productive way,” the AU center stated. 

Eating these lotus leaves will remove your focus on negative issues, thus solving them.

We offer scheduled Art-Well times, but if you can’t make those, come to the Wellness Center Zen Den any time on your own.”

We can hacky sack it and maybe play some make-believe. Rad!

On tap at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth is “StressLess Days.” Held monthly on Wednesdays, the university will provide coloring in addition to other “crafts and games” to help students unwind. 

An Ivy League education, my friends.

According to Northcentral University Professor Mary Jill Blackwell, “Coloring is like meditation because it encourages engagement with the present moment. When we focus on the present moment, we do not worry about the future, ruminate about the past, or engage in negative self talk.”

Come down from your spaceship and land.

Adult coloring books have taken off recently, becoming a trend outside campus first. An estimated 12 million were sold in 2015, up from the 1 million sold the previous year, The Washington Post reports.

Yet another sure sign of societal health to throw on the pile with all the others.

Now several universities — which have also been known to offer napping rooms, opportunities to frolic with puppies, yoga, chair massages and other de-stressers — have added coloring books to the mix.

 Now the article is just repeating itself while making the news slightly more appalling each time.

Brown University notoriously offered coloring books as part of its safe space room in 2015. But now coloring books are just another way to de-stress students.

First they criticize you, then they move on to something else because honestly, who cares, and then you win???

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: How the Super-Rich Make Their Homes Super-Secure

While those of lesser means will have to settle for bags full of dirt and 100,000 round of ammunition, minimum in their preparations for the coming WROL cataclysm the people that are wealthy and as such actually matter are building super fortresses to hold off the rampaging peasants. It is, after all, only fitting that our beloved oligarchs survive the collapse they authored. And, like I said, these clearly are morally, intellectually and spiritually superior beings of goodness and light, not like you down in that hole with your AR-15 and tattered copy of the Constitution.

If you had to choose a country in which to be kidnapped — which is, granted, an unlikely eventuality — consider Ecuador. 

While you're having your little Latin America kidnap fantasy I'll be going through your stuff, bro.

The average rate for freeing a kidnap hostage there is roughly $10,000; potential embarrassment or personal injury can be avoided with a quick phone call to the captors, who will probably be a group of local workers looking to supplement their income, says Fred Finan of security company 3e International.

Man, societal collapse and massive corruption at all levels of a stumbling, blind bureaucracy is actually a good thing when it comes to the ransom industry. Vote Hillary, it'll be cheaper than ever to get your loved ones back from government thugs.

Moreover — and this may provide some reassurance or it may not — the local criminal fraternity are unlikely to leave you awestruck by their ingenuity. 

Third world criminals are dumb and other surprising revelations. Hey, I thought we were talking about how the kleptocrats are fortifying their homes, not the flesh trade in some loser country.

His current strategy is to leave a few thousand dollars to ensure they leave happy and without incident — like mince pies at the foot of the chimney for a criminal Santa Claus.

See, this total war of all versus all is totally manageable. Keep supporting the status quo!

This quaintly intuitive approach to personal security would attract few adherents in today’s most desirable global postcodes where, spurred by the latest technology, breaking and entering is fast becoming mission impossible.

If the sawed-off messiah can't do it, what chance do you have?

The whizz bangs start at a property’s front door. For the most discerning, fingerprint-activated locks are a must, says Heyrick Bond-Gunning, chief executive of S-RM, a top-end security company.

Before I buy a property I want to be fully informed in regards to the various "whizz bangs."

To keep both animate and inanimate house contents safe, vinyl polymer coatings make windows blast-resistant, to deter the traditional smash-and-grab raid. Fast-acting security shutters can block off key rooms, creating secure areas in the event of a break in.

Super-powerful magnets can pin the Ecuadorian kidnapper squad to the ceiling by their belt buckles.

However, the best retreat in an emergency is a safe room. 

We're definitely due for another horrible movie about that, it's been way too long.

Congratulations on your release, John Hinckley. I was very impressed with what you did, by the way.

Helping to secure the perimeters is a new wave of artificial intelligence. 

Don't worry, sir, these killer robots should keep those filthy working people off your lawn.

Barber says cameras installed in a house on The Bishops Avenue, Hampstead, are used to monitor staff. It means the owner, who is abroad much of the time, can spy on his army of gardeners, cooks and assistant staff wherever he is in the world.

As long as we're always spying on everyone we should kick off that new golden age of human decency and warmth any day now.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Adult Coloring Book Craze Booms in US

In the race to infantilize American society until there isn't a single living person who would meet what 1950 considered to be the minimum acceptable standards for adult behavior we've undeniably made great strides. From playing little "shoot the round bird or make the bird fly" games on a tiny screen, games that even I as a ten-year-old sneering punk that spent his entire allowance on pinball, "Gorf" and "Ms. Pac Man" would reject as childish, to having special kindergarten themed areas at colleges where the shell-shocked students (Someone disagreed with me!) can work the Play Doh or whatever, it's clear the race to return to the womb is on. The latest victory in this devolution? Come on, you read the title, let's not insult our intelligences.

Intricate adult coloring books are the latest lifestyle craze to grip the United States, generating millions of fans, booming sales and libraries falling over themselves to host workshops.

When reading tales about the horny vampire who has both a massive unit and massive heavy industry holdings becomes too challenging I guess we'll skip the next logical step of picture books with simple words adults can sound out to hit this new, pathetic low. The good news is that goofy St. Vitus Dance "crazes" aren't exactly known for their longevity.

Walk into any New York bookstore, and you'll find them artfully laid out on tables or filling entire shelves.

Or a bookstore in Macomb, Illinois would work too, but we're trying desperately to pretend this latest degeneracy is cosmopolitan and happening. All the beautiful people are coloring in puppy dogs while staying mostly within the lines. Join them, there is no other option.

Amazon sells hundreds of them, including nine on the top 20 bestseller list. Fans post their finished designs and swap tips on Facebook or Pinterest.

Historians a few hundred years from now are going to have a lot of fun writing that "Decline and Fall" book, that's for sure. "While unbelievably feckless and rootless victims of urbanization and atomization were sharing advice on how to perform a dumbed-down version of paint by numbers a sociopath was running for President..." Every nation truly gets the Edward Gibbon it deserves.

"It calms us down to be coloring," Linda Turner, a licensed creative arts psychotherapist in Manhattan, explained of the trend born in Europe.

My job, which is little more than a simple con game, creates massive stress. Pretending I'm a slow and unlikable grade schooler makes it better.

Turner said that while children are willing to explore and experiment, adults are not necessarily so comfortable with their creativity.

Well, we used to express that creativity by splitting the atom, sending people into orbit and beyond, conquering disease and building an information superhighway. But you're right, this is much better.

Remember, thou art mortal.

"These coloring books, they look adult, they look sophisticated... and they are going to create, and they are going to be present in the moment and have fun... In ways that are safe for them," she added. 

No really, this is not in any way indicative of a dying society full of deeply alienated individuals.

Since October, 19 branches of the New York Public Library in Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island have run coloring workshops, some on a weekly basis.

Yo, how you doin'. Gots to go take dat Red Line up to da Zoo, gots me some little kid shit to do. Forget about it."

"It makes you feel more open and more alive, so the stress reduction aspect of it is therapeutic, but it is not therapy."

Look at me, I'm alive! *Spends hours slumped over a design, filling in colors*

The trend has extended beyond America's entertainment capital. In Petoskey, a small town in Michigan, the library has just launched a weekly coloring session on Tuesday evenings.

I told you. We just put in all that NYC stuff because The Apple is the best, most important city in the world.

It is not the first time the United States has fallen in love with adult coloring books. The first of these, "The Executive Coloring Book," came out in 1961. It was followed by "The John Birch Society Coloring Book" and other satirical titles, mocking the world of work, or president John Kennedy.

Of course those were intended to be satirical, but let's pretend this latest outbreak of cultural neoplasm has an unbroken line back to "Down with Nixon!" times. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Not sure when or if they actually do anything productive.  

During your breaks and after work hours, please come relax and recover at the Sandbox Play Center for adults.

For stress relief I just shotgun a 6 pack or blaze up a fatty. 

I am a woman. Sorry, but, speaking for myself, I would have been much happier being housewife and mother.

A burgeoning idiot class is upon us, after back to back elections that seated the most unqualified human being to ever rule over a country

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Artist Tracey Emin Whoops as Her "My Bed" Fetches Over $4 million

Some guy once observed that one of the signs of civilization collapsing is "art becomes freakish and sensationalistic instead of creative and original." This is great news for us, of course, because our artistic outputs have never been better. From billionaire industrialist vampires that like it rough to the sustained excellence created by network television it's an embarrassment of riches on the cultural front. Now we can add the bed of some woman with a busted face to this already fully stocked pantry.

Tracey Emin's "My Bed," complete with cigarette butts, crumpled sheets and underwear, sold for 2.5 million pounds ($4.25 million) on Tuesday, a record for the artist, who was present at the auction and applauded and whooped delightedly.

"Yee-haw! I can't believe this shit actually worked!"

It calls to mind the story of the boy who decided to sell lemonade for 100k per glass. "Do you really expect a lot of people to pay such an outrageous price?" someone asks.

"I only need one."

Emin's 1998 work, which fetched over 1 million pounds above its top estimated price, and a Francis Bacon portrait of Lucian Freud, which sold for 11.5 million pounds, were the show stoppers in a 75 strong collection of portrait-themed works auctioned by Christie's.

I'm guessing the portrait of the first viscount of St. Alban was a real, legitimated painting, you know like back in the bad days before Smart Phones and Instagram, and not a picture of some guy named Francis made out of literal bacon. You have to ask, just to be sure.

The auction house said it was very rare for an artist to attend an auction, and it demonstrated the connection Emin felt to the highly personal work.

See, not a half-assed stunt to take money from wealthy fools at all! This is "highly personal," in the same way what I flushed down the toilet earlier today is.

The price reached for Emin's work, described by the auction house as an iconic piece of 1990s British art, quadrupled her previous sale price record, but Christie's said the market was not overheating.

"In a fair world my soiled bed would be sold for Manhattan Island."

This is art. (Dat face, doe.)

People are really making distinct choices. Its a very subjective response to works," Brett Gorvy, Christie's international head of post-war and contemporary art, said after the sale.

He was later seen literally swimming in money.

Around 190 bidders from 28 countries took part in the auction, Christie's said, with interest from Europe, North America, the Middle East and Asia.

Their interests and motives ranged from "get something for that wing of the museum where the art students sneak off to fornicate" to "prove I'm a man of culture despite my total and complete debasement."

But the price was a relatively poor showing for a Bacon piece compared with his recent record-breaking at auction.

The massive, white-hot popularity of the man who arguably created empiricism. They just go crazy for that Baconian method, man.

Some of the proceeds from the Bacon sale will be diverted to two charities championed by Dahl, and by his family since his death in 1990.

I honestly thought we'd talk about that whole "bed thing" more.

All the buyers from the auction chose to remain anonymous, meaning Emin will have to wait to find out whether her Turner short-listed work will end up in a museum, a wish she expressed the week before.

Totally Dissipated Wealthy Bastards With Horrible Taste, Anonymous.  Step One: admit you can't control your need to buy ordinary items from someone who looks like they were hit in the face with a sack of nickels.

Also, "This belongs in a museum!" shouts Dr. Jones as he battles Poison Claw assassins for the possession of empty cigarette packs and maybe a bottle or two.

Fifteen years ago, the startlingly human elements of the work, which includes discarded condoms and stained sheets, caused a sensation, raising questions about what was and was not art.

In unrelated news, that guy I mentioned earlier also thought "obsession with sex and perversions of sex" was not a sign of societal health. Like I said, unrelated. Don't know why I brought that up.

Speaking ahead of the auction, Emin told Reuters TV that the work felt like "a ghost."

This is one ghost that deserves to be busted.

"I feel quite sad, and I feel that it's like a fragment of time," she added.($1 = 0.5877 British Pounds)

I like how this article abruptly ends with an exchange rate, possibly the only information of any value in the entire thing. It's late, but we'll take it.

Full Story.

Check Out My Books! Millions of Dollars not Required!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.