News You Can't Use: How the Super-Rich Make Their Homes Super-Secure

While those of lesser means will have to settle for bags full of dirt and 100,000 round of ammunition, minimum in their preparations for the coming WROL cataclysm the people that are wealthy and as such actually matter are building super fortresses to hold off the rampaging peasants. It is, after all, only fitting that our beloved oligarchs survive the collapse they authored. And, like I said, these clearly are morally, intellectually and spiritually superior beings of goodness and light, not like you down in that hole with your AR-15 and tattered copy of the Constitution.

If you had to choose a country in which to be kidnapped — which is, granted, an unlikely eventuality — consider Ecuador. 

While you're having your little Latin America kidnap fantasy I'll be going through your stuff, bro.

The average rate for freeing a kidnap hostage there is roughly $10,000; potential embarrassment or personal injury can be avoided with a quick phone call to the captors, who will probably be a group of local workers looking to supplement their income, says Fred Finan of security company 3e International.

Man, societal collapse and massive corruption at all levels of a stumbling, blind bureaucracy is actually a good thing when it comes to the ransom industry. Vote Hillary, it'll be cheaper than ever to get your loved ones back from government thugs.

Moreover — and this may provide some reassurance or it may not — the local criminal fraternity are unlikely to leave you awestruck by their ingenuity. 

Third world criminals are dumb and other surprising revelations. Hey, I thought we were talking about how the kleptocrats are fortifying their homes, not the flesh trade in some loser country.

His current strategy is to leave a few thousand dollars to ensure they leave happy and without incident — like mince pies at the foot of the chimney for a criminal Santa Claus.

See, this total war of all versus all is totally manageable. Keep supporting the status quo!

This quaintly intuitive approach to personal security would attract few adherents in today’s most desirable global postcodes where, spurred by the latest technology, breaking and entering is fast becoming mission impossible.

If the sawed-off messiah can't do it, what chance do you have?

The whizz bangs start at a property’s front door. For the most discerning, fingerprint-activated locks are a must, says Heyrick Bond-Gunning, chief executive of S-RM, a top-end security company.

Before I buy a property I want to be fully informed in regards to the various "whizz bangs."

To keep both animate and inanimate house contents safe, vinyl polymer coatings make windows blast-resistant, to deter the traditional smash-and-grab raid. Fast-acting security shutters can block off key rooms, creating secure areas in the event of a break in.

Super-powerful magnets can pin the Ecuadorian kidnapper squad to the ceiling by their belt buckles.

However, the best retreat in an emergency is a safe room. 

We're definitely due for another horrible movie about that, it's been way too long.

Congratulations on your release, John Hinckley. I was very impressed with what you did, by the way.

Helping to secure the perimeters is a new wave of artificial intelligence. 

Don't worry, sir, these killer robots should keep those filthy working people off your lawn.

Barber says cameras installed in a house on The Bishops Avenue, Hampstead, are used to monitor staff. It means the owner, who is abroad much of the time, can spy on his army of gardeners, cooks and assistant staff wherever he is in the world.

As long as we're always spying on everyone we should kick off that new golden age of human decency and warmth any day now.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.