How would you like to go to an adult version of kindergarten for four years for a six figure price tag? Did I mention you can get a loan for that exorbitant charge that won't fall due until those four years are over, which is such a long time it will probably never come, right? What do you mean, "no?" Come back here, the entire future of our society somehow depends on maintaining this farce. And if you're still not convinced how about some coloring books? This is preparing future leaders and high-achievers, honest it is.
In the age of safe spaces and trigger warnings comes another new trend to the college repertoire: coloring books.
One of the clients yelled at me, Mr. Johnson, so I'm going to hide in this beanbag fort for a few hours. I'm sure you understand, I'm quite fragile emotionally and display almost zero indication of adult maturity and you as the employer should have to cater to that just like my diploma mill did.
This fall, campuses nationwide are offering coloring books to students to help them de-stress.
Well, it was that or allowing you to declare bankruptcy on your student loans after you become a hopeless derelict and we're certainly not considering that option. Here, try this wacky word find game.
At American University on Monday, its counseling center provided coloring sheets in honor of Healthy Campus Week, noting on its Facebook page that adult coloring books “can help with a number of emotional and mental health issues.” Conditions cited include obsessive-compulsive, eating, anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as anger management and substance abuse issues.
Filling in pictures of cartoon animals cured my heroin addiction, brought my explosive temper to heel, made me happy and calm, hungry, less concerned with constant hand-washing and it maybe cured my Type H Hepatitis.
“The time and focus that adult coloring takes helps the individual remove the focus from the negative issues and habits, and focus them in a safe and productive way,” the AU center stated.
Eating these lotus leaves will remove your focus on negative issues, thus solving them.
We offer scheduled Art-Well times, but if you can’t make those, come to the Wellness Center Zen Den any time on your own.”
We can hacky sack it and maybe play some make-believe. Rad!
On tap at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth is “StressLess Days.” Held monthly on Wednesdays, the university will provide coloring in addition to other “crafts and games” to help students unwind.
An Ivy League education, my friends.
According to Northcentral University Professor Mary Jill Blackwell, “Coloring is like meditation because it encourages engagement with the present moment. When we focus on the present moment, we do not worry about the future, ruminate about the past, or engage in negative self talk.”
Come down from your spaceship and land.
Adult coloring books have taken off recently, becoming a trend outside campus first. An estimated 12 million were sold in 2015, up from the 1 million sold the previous year, The Washington Post reports.
Yet another sure sign of societal health to throw on the pile with all the others.
Now several universities — which have also been known to offer napping rooms, opportunities to frolic with puppies, yoga, chair massages and other de-stressers — have added coloring books to the mix.
Now the article is just repeating itself while making the news slightly more appalling each time.
Brown University notoriously offered coloring books as part of its safe space room in 2015. But now coloring books are just another way to de-stress students.
First they criticize you, then they move on to something else because honestly, who cares, and then you win???
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.