Wednesday, December 17, 2014

News You Can't Use: Duo's Phony Heart Attack Scheme Foiled

What happens when you want that Barbie Power Wheel to commute down the sidewalks to your honest job but lack the necessary funds and are denied financing under highly suspicious and probably discriminatory circumstances? For most people the dream of the hot pink luxury toy would simply wither on the vine, but for two pieces of total human garbage this set-back was defeated with the classic "phony medical emergency" gambit.

A Florida thief last week faked a heart attack inside a Walmart so that a male accomplice could walk out of the store with a shopping cart stuffed with toys, including a motorized Barbie Power Wheel, police report.

This is like one of those criminal mastermind plans that practically floors us law-abiding squares with its unbelievable audacity and cunning. I'll fool everyone into responding to my distress by virtue of our shared humanity. While that trick bag is being spilled out, you get that Barbie whip out the door.

While the diversion proved initially successful, the pair was arrested yesterday on grand theft charges when they were linked to the crime via surveillance footage.

Luckily we live in an age where criminals feel guilty for their crimes and want to repent the evil they've done to others and God everything is being recorded. And yes, it's a felony. Grand Theft Barbie Auto, the perfect gift for Daddy's little princess.

According to a Polk County Sheriff’s Office report, Tarus Scott, 30, and Genard Dupree, 27, entered the Lake Wales Walmart together and filled a cart with $369.94 in merchandise.

The live action version of "Two Stupid Dogs."

As Scott moved toward the exit with the merchandise, Dupree dropped to the floor and clutched his chest. With Dupree doing his best Fred Sanford imitation, Scott walked past his sidekick.

How about a classic television reference maybe 1% of our readers will get? Perfect.

The fake heart attack, cops noted, “appeared to be done in an attempt to create a distraction long enough for Scott to exit the store, past all points of sale, without paying for the merchandise in the cart."

See, our police can demonstrate basic logic after a few days to work on it. Let's give them tanks.

Dupree’s heart trouble lasted 44 seconds before he was able to get to his feet and amble out of Walmart.

A pretty standard exit for a customer of that fine establishment.

"Was falling down in deep-fried salted snacks part of your plan?"
"Of course!"
"What's the next step in your master plan?"
"Crashing this Barbie Power Wheel with no survivors."

He met up with Scott in the parking lot and the pair drove away in an SUV.

I'm deeply saddened that the Barbie car wasn't used in the escape.

Dupree is currently on felony probation for theft, while Scott is an ex-con who was released from prison last year after serving about a decade for armed robbery.

Surprisingly, being surrounded by squalor, violence and other criminals in a for-profit institution failed to reform this criminal dream team. At least this time they can earn mad "cred" for stealing a toy intended for little girls after possuming in the China-Mart.

Komment Korner  

Where is Sharpton on this?

Thugs in Jail,"Yo,what are you guys in for"? Guys that got caught,"GTA on a Barbie car."

He was able to shake it off. Give these geniuses a break.

When you are just too lazy to riot.

You folks are just filled with hate!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

No comments:

Post a Comment