Wednesday, December 31, 2014

News You Can't Use: New Laws OK Wine Shipments, Ban Tiger Selfies

There's nothing wrong with the world that can't be fixed by more laws. Consider the reverential treatment the current statutes receive by even our most debased human units and it should be obvious this statement has been literally baked in gooey wisdom. Today's bit of useless news is a salute to our hard-working morality legislators and all the goodness they have crafted over the last year. Next time you wonder "Why are things so perfect?" you'll already have the answer.

New state laws taking effect Thursday give livestock in California more living room, approve direct-to-consumer wine shipments in Massachusetts and levy the ultimate punishment on wannabe teen drivers in Nevada by denying them licenses if they skip too much school.

Now you'll pay the ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT you no-good teen punk! No, not death by slow torture. We're going to take away some of your government papieren. That should fix your total contempt for the modest demands of society.

Although it doesn't take effect until early February, a New York law captures this year's "Who knew?" prize by banning tiger selfies, which have been used by young men as profile photos on social media sites.

Yes friends, a group of semi-sane adults being paid by your tax dollars was tackling the all-important tiger selfie debate. I'm sure there will be an exemption if the young man in question is Trans-Panthera, of course.

Wine connoisseurs will be popping the cork over a new law taking effect Thursday that allows out-of-state wineries to ship bottles directly to consumers in Massachusetts.

Maybe next year they can finally fix those revolving prison doors they have in that state.

In Utah, cities and towns can no longer ban specific dog breeds within their limits. At least 10 cities now have restrictions that ban ownership of breeds such as pit bulls.

The endless L.D.S. war on keeping "Poms" out of their community ends with total defeat.

In Tennessee, ex-felons who have turned their lives around can now receive a certificate of employability, which gives businesses who hire such individuals protection from negligent hiring lawsuits.

Now to give people that have never committed serious crimes a certificate of "I'm actually a decent person" to show to potential employers.

In Michigan, buying cough and cold medicines for the purpose of making methamphetamine will be illegal under another series of measures intended to crack down on meth makers. The laws also prohibit asking someone to buy the ingredients and require state police to add meth offenders to a national database.

You must now pass a comprehensive background check and/or display your "Certificate of Actually Has a Cold" before buying that "Cofcure." Or you could just buy some vodka, which contains pretty much the same active ingredients and won't cause people to assume you're a meth cook.

In Louisiana, 16- and 17-year-olds will be able to register to vote when obtaining a driver's license, though they still won't be able to vote until they turn 18.

No way this could lead to abuses. If they skip school do they have to pay the ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT and lose the franchise that they never legitimately had?

In North Carolina, individuals filing as a candidate in a party primary must have had an affiliation with that party for at least 90 days before filing a candidacy notice.

No more wildcats hijacking the Not the White Man's Bitch Party, it's about time.

In North Carolina, home sellers will have to disclose whether they know if underground oil and gas rights have been sold.

"How tha hell would ah no?" is going to be the most typical disclosure.

In New York State, consumers must begin recycling old computers, televisions and video game consoles instead of throwing them in the trash.

Well there's a slightly newer "X Box." Into the trash with the old one.

In Louisiana, smoking will be banned within 25 feet of public entrances to state office buildings, as a way to lessen exposure to secondhand smoke.

If you smoke please carry a 25 foot pole with you at all times so you can make sure you're compliant.

In California, drivers' licenses will be available for people in the country illegally.

Skip class because you're not really learning anything there anyway = no license. Violate our national sovereignty? Here's your license!

In Indiana, license plates will be required on motor scooters for the first time following complaints about unsafe driving by those who've lost their licenses because of drunken driving arrests or other offenses.

We must close the "habitually truant students on motor scooters" loophole.

Our long national nightmare is almost over.

Massachusetts will finally allow "hold open" clips on pumps at self-service gasoline stations, ending motorists' complaints — particularly in winter — about being in one of the few states where the clips weren't allowed.

Of course the metal contracts in cold weather and they barely work in the best of conditions, but I guess you have to find out about that for yourselves.

In New York in February, it becomes illegal to pose for a photo with a lion, tiger or other big cat. The measure, which specifically prohibits contact between members of the public and big cats at animal shows, passed after self-portraits with the animals started becoming more popular online, particularly with some young men on dating sites.

I'd recommend these young men go back to posting pictures of themselves with cars, money and/or shirtless and leave nature alone. 

In Virginia, drivers can expect to see a 5 cents-per-gallon increase in the cost of gas, while Maryland's gas tax is set to rise about 3.5 cents.

Don't worry, I'm sure it's only a temporary increase (trollface.jpg).

The minimum wage goes up Thursday in several states, including Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Ohio, Maryland, Massachusetts and Rhode Island.

The new minimum wage will be a thousand dollars an hour, making us all fabulously wealthy because that's how economies work.

In Tennessee, as part of welfare eligibility, a parent or guardian with a child struggling in a school must attend two or more conferences with the teacher within a year to review the child's status.

They must also correctly state the child's name in no more than three (3) attempts.

Komment Korner  

This is a law in response to some morons falling into large cat enclosures while attempting to get them into the picture with them for the purpose of a profile picture on a dating website. Now as I sit back and examine the situation I am more inclined to encourage such behavior as a means to rid our population of morons of this specific type.

We taxpayers actually pay moronic legislators to generate this #$%$?

Refer to Title 18 Chapter 61 Section 6120 quoted here: § 6120.

I didn't know posing with tigers was an issue LOL.

As for the chickens, how much room do they seriously need?

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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