Wednesday, December 24, 2014

News You Can't Use: Man Hospitalized After Chugging Eggnog At Holiday Office Party

According to the television we are deep in the holiday season and close to the coming New Year. This means a time of sincere reflection on the human condition, a quickness to forgive and draw close to family and friends and inhaling massive quantities of alcohol to make all of that b.s. somewhat tolerable. Usually it works fine. Where it goes wrong is when the giggle water is phony and the "inhaling" is taken literally.

A Utah man says he’s fully recovered after he was hospitalized for chugging a quart of eggnog so quickly that he inhaled some of creamy holiday beverage into his lungs.

Somewhere one of those Hollywood wiz-kids who didn't have his career ruined by North Koreans is reading this and getting the idea for the hot new teen sex comedy. "Oh no, Blanket got the creamy beverage into his lungs!"

Ryan Roche from Utah County told KSL-TV that he participated in an alcohol-free eggnog chugging contest at a holiday office party earlier this month.

No booze. Nearly dying. Man, those Mormons sure know how to party. We're kicking it Romney style! Put that L.D.S. approved nog into those lungs! Woo! Woo! Woo!

“I think it was one of those spur of the moment kind of things,” Roche told KSL.

I don't know if it would be worse or better if weeks of planning went into your chugging contest.

Roche says he downed a quart of eggnog in 12 seconds without taking a breath but soon began coughing and gasping.

This is the type of story you tell your Grandchildren while absolutely glowing with pride.

“I just opened up my throat, didn’t even swallow,” he told the station. “I pretty much poured it down.”

Where to even begin with this one.

Hours later, a friend drove him to the hospital as Roche was shaking and struggling to breathe.

This is a true friend, who will be there when your G-Rated wackiness goes horribly wrong.

Doctors told him he had eggnog in his lungs.

The mean doctor told me "Quit smiling, you've got eggnog in your lungs. You're going to die." Then I went to Eggnog Treatment Centers of America. I've now been holiday-themed drink free for eight years and I own a ranch with many horses.

“They pretty much had to wheelchair me in, double IV, oxygen, and hooked me up to what they call the nuclear weapon of antibiotics,” he told KSL.

I have become death, the destroyer of bacteria.

Nearly dying in the most idiotic and humiliating ways possible rules!!!

Roche says he recovered his strength after a week.

The recovery of his dignity will be a much longer process.

“It was rough,” he said. “Eggnog: not ideal for the lungs.”

I feel we have learned a lot. Sadder, but much wiser.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source.

Komment Korner  

Why do I get the feeling this dude is on ObamaCare and we just paid for this idiocy

What a beta loser. The eggnog didn't even have alcohol.

And we're reading a story over a tool chugging egg nog?

As a Romney voter, his epiglottis flip-flopped whether to swallow or inhale.

The next time you laugh/smile or have anything close to a good time with friends I want you to feel guilty, because at that moment you aren't thinking of the starving children

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

No comments:

Post a Comment