Sunday, March 30, 2014

DotTeeVee: No Poker Face by WBC

We recently saw the passing of everyone's favorite civil rights attorney and Democratic Party member. And I guess he also generated some minor side controversy via being opinionated about societal norms and American foreign policy, but this is America and it's not like we condemn people for having unpopular opinions or something. What, we do now? Ok, whatever, as long as my moron box keeps showing sports.

Anyway, here's a video of members of his church/family singing a song at a university. What, you were expecting nuanced commentary about our increasingly eroding freedoms to believe anything other than a handful of pre-apporoved positions versus the need for societal cohesion and respect toward the individual? Forget that, let's hear some modified pop music.

We start with the idle chatter and giggling that confirms we're in a higher education setting. All that's missing is woo woo wooing and maybe a beach ball. We're at Central Michigan University, an institution that has the proud distinction of being the third best college located near Michigan's geographical middle. Having some bitter experience myself, I immediately note the male-pattern baldness on one of the students. Man, probably not even 21 and already losing your hair. Maybe God really is angry with us.

 God hates your scalp.

I should also point out there are electronic devices everywhere (the future!) but we still get the cliched "giant chalkboard covered with esoteric mathematical equations." I honestly believe this is required by some obscure law. "Those punk kids with early onset hair loss won't think we're a real college unless we have tons of meaningless gibberish written in chalk." It's not like this shit is related to the Bizarro World Von Trapp Family routine we're getting. Unless it's some kind of complex equation quantifying how "tolerance" goes out the window as soon as you disagree with our Plutocrats, but somehow I doubt it.

Anyway, pop music. "Poker Face" plays, but we get highly witty and subversive new lyrics from the Ungood Family, such as calling the original artist "Lady Gay-Gay." Man, this really is cutting edge satire. Insults that a playground bully would reject as not sufficiently original or sophisticated are going to be the rule rather than the exception for the next couple of minutes.  

   This simple formula allows me to accurately predict March Madness winners 52% of the time.

The "She's-a-witch! Someone call the Kommissar!" mother and her two daughters sing along mostly on-key to what I assume is the original copy, much to the delight of the students who get some good laughs at the "poopy head" level insults. It's this sort of thing that makes me wonder if this all isn't some super elaborate prank. The only question that this raises is why would anyone invest so much in trolling the powers that be? Where's the payoff? A big invitation to a third tier school from the MAC conference? Is it really worth being the official Two Minutes Hate subject for such a pathetic reward? 

Sorry, I promised we wouldn't think too much. Luckily lyrics about "pissing off God" come next. Now there's some Biblical language. "And THE LORD said to Moses "I'm pissed now!" 

The chorus, or "hook" as we say in the industry, hits and as much as I loathe pop music I have to concede it is pretty catchy, even with new lyrics about your "whorish face" being sung off-key by the least popular women in America. One of the girls also imitates what I assume to be the dance moves from the music video, although it seems like a pretty joyless experience. I guess if you like it too much it's probably some kind of sin.

More Illuminati evil from MTV...wait, this is just some family from Kansas?

We cut to the students and at least one girl, possibly a "monster," I don't know how to tell, is showing the proper scandalized reaction, although not so much that it prevents her from recording the proceedings with a camera phone. Of course, the average young person is so passive and dead to reality that they would probably keep recording through that phone if their entire family was being slowly tortured to death right in front of them. On the other hand she is covering her mouth in the universal sign of either "speak no evil" or "I can't believe I heard language not approved by our billionaires!" so there's that.

I'm gonna tattle to the Ministry of Love...

She keeps eating her hand and it's back to the three part harmony, now promising "a little fire" and then unleashing a put-down that really needs to come back into style, namely "clod." This is great. It calls to mind old issues of Mad Magazine and "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions."

Question: Are you reviewing this Youtube video for a blog post?

Answer: No, I just wanted to get on a George Soros watch-list, you clod!

Answer: No, I just can't get enough of novelty songs performed by victims of cultic brainwashing, you lame-brain!

Answer: No, there's a big test on the equation on the chalk board and this video is the only place I can check my work, you schmuck!

That sort of thing.

After Dostoevsky and Motorhead this is my biggest writing influence.

We get a crowd-pleasing reference to 9-11 that I guess would be more shocking and proof of this family's profound evil if it already wasn't being used as a punchline on network television "comedies." I remember in the days following that tragedy and the brief window of national sobriety and decency that followed thinking to myself "it's just a matter of time before this becomes a sick joke for horrible bastards." I must be some kind of prophet.

Back to "offended girl" who hasn't moved an inch since we last saw her, still consuming that hand, camera still held in front of her like a cross against a vampire. That arm must be getting tired. Someone promises that "we're almost done." I guess this performance has already worn out its welcome, or maybe some actual instruction was planned and we really should get to that.

Can you at least pretend that you're interested?

One more reference to the "whorish face" which only gets a courtesy laugh this time, and we're done. I really only have one more thing to say.

"Is any on this gonna be on the test?"
Komment Korner   

I think there is so much INTOLERISM

Why don't you move to Iran

At least they know how to have fun.

9/11.  This song is cracking me up.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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