Wednesday, March 12, 2014

News You Can't Use: Human Unexpectedly Beats Robot in Epic Ping Pong Battle

We'll gladly surrender our jobs, dignity and free will, but when it comes to goofy pseudo-sports we're not yet ready to let robots step in and take over. No, the continued human dominance of the miniaturized Wimbledon simulator must be protected, if only to guard the national self-esteem of Indonesia and so on. This powerful force naturally results in snark-laden "techie" articles about the modern day John Henry and his tiny ball driving hammer.

Good news, humanfolk: we don’t have to prepare ourselves for the inevitable robot apocalypse quite yet, because a ping pong pro beat a super powerful robot at table tennis yesterday.

You just know that the winner of this match is going to end up being murdered two years ago by a time traveling robot assassin.

As we noted last month, robot manufacturing company KUKA Robotics decided to celebrate the opening of its first plant in Shanghai, China, with a battle royale between ping pong champ Timo Boll and the company’s own “Agilus” robot.

A factory...opening? As an American I recognize those words, but that particular combination makes no sense to me.

Also, any educated person knows that a battle royale is an all against all war featuring many competitors, while this was clearly just a one-on-one match. Does anyone even fact check this shit? If you can't even get basic pro wrestling terminology correct I doubt you have much of substance to say about anything else.

We predicted the result might determine whether humans or robots would ultimately win the race for total world domination.

"We have never felt the touch of a woman."

Thankfully Mr. Boll emerged on top, winning the game 11-9, the Mirror reported.

It was his proudest moment since that Olympic qualifying match where both he and his opponent were trying to lose.

The victory was somewhat bittersweet, since later that day he was defeated by a concrete wall. Meanwhile the robot fell to 0-2 after losing to one of those "prove you're not a robot" letter jumbles.

"You're going down, net bot!"

Judging by the heavily-edited YouTube footage of the face-off and the catchy “Not the best in table tennis. But probably the best in robotics” catchphrase, the whole thing looks pretty staged, but we’re fine with it — as long as they didn’t let the robot win.

It was all fake b.s. but I'm fine with it - as long I get paid to vomit out an article almost completely bereft of any value.

Komment Korner  

And keep in mind the human brain is also balancing the body, digesting food, controlling the circulation of blood, regulating breathing and heartbeat

Comments have since been disabled on youtube and thousands of unlikes because of it...

The difference is, humans are capable of determining their weaknesses, not so with robotics.

One thing I realized, this is a hoax.

Worst insult so far this year.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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