Wednesday, March 26, 2014

News You Can't Use: Man Hit Girlfriend With Anger Management Book, Both Arrested

Who here likes irony? Based on the popularity of his annoying and moronic little brother "sarcasm," I'm guessing we all do. Well, we're in for a treat because today's story is serving some up, and I mean the real irony and not the off-brand fake stuff like a man scared of planes dying in a plane crash or rainy weddings.

A Spartanburg County man is accused of hitting his girlfriend with his anger management book while she was accused of stabbing him with a boxcutter, landing both of them in jail.

After the inevitable lawsuit we'll get a warning label on the book that clarifies it's not a weapon for bludgeoning truculent loved ones into submission. Or at least the soft cover version isn't, the hardback would probably be serviceable.

Deputies said they were called to the woman's apartment Monday night where the fight broke out while watching a movie.

"He spoiled the mystery of what "Rosebud" was so I ran up on him. Sled, my ass. I'm a gonna cut ya for that."

Seriously, how does a fight start when watching a movie? Was he loudly rooting for the C.H.U.D.s or something? Constantly making MST3K-style obscure snarky references? I just don't get it.

According to the deputy's report, Sheelah Thompson, 22, claimed Tyler Ford, 23, strangled her and threatened to kill her several times

I'm assuming that means he made the threat several times and not that he was going to kill her, somehow resurrect the mortal remains, kill her again and keep repeating that process. That's how that sentence actually reads, but I'm pretty sure if we could bring people back from the Big Black we wouldn't waste that technology on Jerry Springer brawls that erupt over movies.

He put her phone in the oven

Today on the "Cell Phone Chef" we share amazing recipes that only require an oven, a phone, and a state of temporary insanity created by ugly disagreements over whether of not the guy in Blade Runner is a robot.

At one point, Thompson said Ford rolled up his anger management book and hit her with it, according to deputies.

The amazing thing is this is just the main highlight of what sounds like a 15 round knockdown-drag out.

The report stated Ford was asking Thompson questions about their relationship, about why she tries to get him angry knowing he was in anger management class, but she would only shrug in response, so he hit her on the foot and then the cheek with his book.

Looking forward to reading about how he assaults her with a "Couple's Communication Skills" book in a few months.

Both Ford and Thompson were arrested. Thompson was charged with criminal domestic violence high and aggravated while Ford was charged with criminal domestic violence second offense.

The "it was mildly humorous if you ignore some of the more horrific details so don't punish me" legal defense seems likely.

Komment Korner  

Ain't love grand?

Really, does it get any better than this? HAHAHA!

South Carolina, the part of the bible belt that stresses good family values.

Wait until Charlie Sheen hears about this

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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