Wednesday, October 16, 2013

News You Can't Use: Plaza Hotel Files Suit, Calls Citi Bike Rack ‘Eyesore’

Let's talk about rich person problems. Things like having a poor person make contact with your shadow or finding out you might have to pay a few dollars in taxes, even after making large charitable donations to yourself. Worst of all might be bike racks. For some reason people are deciding to take their ten-speeds to New York Hotels and the adult version of Richie Rich doesn't like having to look at it briefly. Something must be done and clearly the best answer is more new laws.

The Plaza Hotel, a place where you can park your Rolls Royce at the curb and perhaps ask for Grey Poupon on your hot dog. But, is the Plaza any place for a Citi Bike rack?

The rich, am I right? All Rolls Royces and giant bags full of nickels dangling around their necks and tacos of the finest possible quality. But hello, what's this? A bike rack put up by an odious banking concern? I do believe it is. Biggins, call up the elected officials I own, it's time to get rid of it.

“To put them here is a distraction from this wonderful hotel,” Ruth Halperin told CBS 2′s Dick Brennan.

"Don't think. Feel! It's like a bike rack in front of a hotel. You were focused on the bike rack and missed out on all the hotel-related glory."

The hotel agreed and has filed a lawsuit that called the racks “an eyesore” and “unnecessary when there are other alternatives.”

Alternatives like driving all the morlocks back underground.

“Shift it to the side, move it right there around the corner. At least away from that entrance,” he said.

Is it just me or does that quote sound like lyrics to a rap song? "Aw yeah, shift it to tha side/I be ready to take that ride/Move dat thang 'round da corner," etc.

I also like the implied exasperation. At least away from the entrance. For the love of god. I'm not an unreasonable man. You have the power to stop this outrage.

"Someone put a bike rack in front of my Park Place hotel!"

However, bicyclists want the hotel to pump the brakes.

Enjoy awful puns? Have weird, stereotypical views about most of humanity? Willing to work cheap? Then you, too, can be an internet reporter!

“The city doesn’t belong to rich people it belongs to everyone,” Stephan Alber said.

That sounds like communist talk to me.

“While we haven’t seen the papers yet, we are confident that the installation was proper,” the statement said.

"I am full of totally baseless confidence. Doesn't that make you feel better?"

“They’ve got to protect their business, and at the same time, people want to take their bikes out in the city, so I think it will resolve itself,” Mike Vittorio said.

Because the best solution for any problem is sitting back and saying "it'll fix itself." 

Komment Korner

No wonder the Normal-American Community would rather live in our cars than within 1,000 miles of that democRat dump.

which is why we are still number one in the world and not playing a banjo in the sticks

Seem's discriminatory to only provide 2 wheel bikes. What about some 3 wheel bikes for the "balance" challenged?

Send the concierge out with a pipe cutter like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, cutting down parking meters...

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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