Online dating is the best way for hopeful singletons to find love than in the modern world.
Singletons, El Oh El. When you're lonely the rest of the world just never stops piling on. If by "best" they mean, "worse than any conventional strategy, but better than dropping your pants at a bus station and screeching at random strangers" then I totally agree.
But one controversial dating site has taken the selection process to a whole new level by allowing its users to filter out members looking for romance according to their body type ... for a price.
Once we get our magic government back we can expect subsidies to pay for all your "no lard-o" needs. Until then, no pay, no play.
Popular U.S. dating site, OkCupid.com lets online daters pay $4.95 (£3) to hide anyone who classes themselves 'curvy', 'skinny', 'thin', 'jacked' or 'used up' among other body types.
I don't even want to know what constitutes a "used up" body. I get a mental imagine of a salt vampire victim, completely drained of all vital essence. Feeling amorous yet?
"Must earn at least 100k/year, no short men, no games..."
'While it will probably be common knowledge to many internet dating aficionados, OkCupid’s premium search options are eyebrow-raising in an era of tolerance and political correctness,' writes Kermalmag.com journalist James Cook, who spotted the function.
In an era where we've declared war on reality, it's deeply troubling. The "used up" shaming has to stop.
It's fun to imagine that this James Cook is the direct descendant of Captain Cook. "Yeah, my famous ancestor explored much of the Pacific Ocean and discovered Hawaii and Australia, but I found a moderately offensive option on some web site. I feel we're about even in terms of accomplishments."
You can select people in a drop-down menu who have body types such as 'thin', 'skinny', 'overweight and 'curvy'.
So really you could just as easily use this option to eliminate thin people under the rationale that "only dogs dig on bones" but I guess that isn't shocking enough for a headline.
An anonymous OkCupid user added: 'I've been using OkCupid for just over a year now, and it's pretty disconcerting to think men have the ability to filter me out by my body type.
You know, just like they do in real life.
Seriously though, why is it disconcerting? Because a man you have nothing in common with won't bother you? I don't get this.
'However, the function is still placing a lot of trust in people's accurate description of themselves. I myself have been lucky that every guy I've met from the site has looked their pictures, but others I know have had some horrible surprises when they meet in person.
See, there's good shallow and bad shallow. Drop-down menus = bad. Seeing a picture and saying "pass" = good. This is so confusing. Apparently as long as you discriminate by hand and waste tons of time doing it that could be eliminated with, say, a drop-down menu, you're still a good person.
'Equally the search for "only five star" rated people will not always yield supermodel results, as people, or at least myself, occasionally rate people on the quality of their profile and how they answer the site's questions, rather than purely their aesthetics.
Stop doing that, you're wrecking it! I want my Super Model!
'Ultimately, what freaks me out the most is the kind of person that would pay to exercise that degree of control over their results. To me, that suggests that the weird and wonderful world of online dating might not be for you.'
I'm like, freaking out! What kind of monster would pay a small fee to increase the still extremely long odds of getting what they want? If you have a problem with bodies that suggest Picasso masterpieces more than the ideal human form online dating might not be for you, I guess.
Rowan Pelling added: 'OkCupid is clearly the Abercrombie & Fitch of dating sites, allowing curvy types to be screened out of supposed A-List members searches.
"And we all hate them, right? Right? Hey, come back here, I demand my outrage be validated!"
"All I can say is that you're pretty dumb and Z-list if you allow screening so prejudiced that some brainless body-fascist..."
"I can't believe some dumb jock who probably can't read and is morally wicked would have prejudices!"
I guess this is a perfect example of be careful what you wish for: do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an exercise bore who exists on seaweed smoothies?'
The grapes were probably sour anyway.
Newsflash, people lie on their dating profiles!
Well let's just say the people superficial enough to use this feature might find themselves taking a longer time to find love.
I have been using OKCUPID.COM for many years.
Should I then be compelled to waste my time dealing with them on some dating website, because some self-righteous liberal prig thinks this is "unfair" or "offensive?" Sanity has gone out the window. Political correctness is a disease, a plague intended to silence opposition and oppress individual rights.
So, can fat and ugly people pay for this feature
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.