News You Can't Use: The Controversial U.S. Dating Site That Lets You PAY to Filter Out Fat and Ugly People

How can we find unconditional positive regard, companionship and ridiculous physical postures that release pleasant chemicals in the brain? If you're one of the vanishing number of well-adjusted and socially adept individuals you'll meet that special someone during the course of your day-to-day life, possibly using activities or common friends to achieve this. If you're one of the growing (haw haw, get it cuz FAT) number of people who imagines that staring into a tiny glowing screen will somehow solve all your problems, good news! For a reasonable fee you can set the world of online dating to "easy mode" eliminating fat-bodies and fugs!

Online dating is the best way for hopeful singletons to find love than in the modern world.

Singletons, El Oh El. When you're lonely the rest of the world just never stops piling on. If by "best" they mean, "worse than any conventional strategy, but better than dropping your pants at a bus station and screeching at random strangers" then I totally agree.

But one controversial dating site has taken the selection process to a whole new level by allowing its users to filter out members looking for romance according to their body type ... for a price.

Once we get our magic government back we can expect subsidies to pay for all your "no lard-o" needs. Until then, no pay, no play.

Popular U.S. dating site, OkCupid.com lets online daters pay $4.95 (£3) to hide anyone who classes themselves 'curvy', 'skinny', 'thin', 'jacked' or 'used up' among other body types.

I don't even want to know what constitutes a "used up" body. I get a mental imagine of a salt vampire victim, completely drained of all vital essence. Feeling amorous yet?

"Must earn at least 100k/year, no short men, no games..."

'While it will probably be common knowledge to many internet dating aficionados, OkCupid’s premium search options are eyebrow-raising in an era of tolerance and political correctness,' writes Kermalmag.com journalist James Cook, who spotted the function.

In an era where we've declared war on reality, it's deeply troubling. The "used up" shaming has to stop.

It's fun to imagine that this James Cook is the direct descendant of Captain Cook. "Yeah, my famous ancestor explored much of the Pacific Ocean and discovered Hawaii and Australia, but I found a moderately offensive option on some web site. I feel we're about even in terms of accomplishments."

You can select people in a drop-down menu who have body types such as 'thin', 'skinny', 'overweight and 'curvy'.

So really you could just as easily use this option to eliminate thin people under the rationale that "only dogs dig on bones" but I guess that isn't shocking enough for a headline.

An anonymous OkCupid user added: 'I've been using OkCupid for just over a year now, and it's pretty disconcerting to think men have the ability to filter me out by my body type.

You know, just like they do in real life.

Seriously though, why is it disconcerting? Because a man you have nothing in common with won't bother you? I don't get this.

'However, the function is still placing a lot of trust in people's accurate description of themselves. I myself have been lucky that every guy I've met from the site has looked their pictures, but others I know have had some horrible surprises when they meet in person.

See, there's good shallow and bad shallow. Drop-down menus = bad. Seeing a picture and saying "pass" = good. This is so confusing. Apparently as long as you discriminate by hand and waste tons of time doing it that could be eliminated with, say, a drop-down menu, you're still a good person.

'Equally the search for "only five star" rated people will not always yield supermodel results, as people, or at least myself, occasionally rate people on the quality of their profile and how they answer the site's questions, rather than purely their aesthetics.

Stop doing that, you're wrecking it! I want my Super Model!

'Ultimately, what freaks me out the most is the kind of person that would pay to exercise that degree of control over their results. To me, that suggests that the weird and wonderful world of online dating might not be for you.'

I'm like, freaking out! What kind of monster would pay a small fee to increase the still extremely long odds of getting what they want? If you have a problem with bodies that suggest Picasso masterpieces more than the ideal human form online dating might not be for you, I guess.

Rowan Pelling added: 'OkCupid is clearly the Abercrombie & Fitch of dating sites, allowing curvy types to be screened out of supposed A-List members searches.

"And we all hate them, right? Right? Hey, come back here, I demand my outrage be validated!"

"All I can say is that you're pretty dumb and Z-list if you allow screening so prejudiced that some brainless body-fascist..."

"I can't believe some dumb jock who probably can't read and is morally wicked would have prejudices!"

I guess this is a perfect example of be careful what you wish for: do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an exercise bore who exists on seaweed smoothies?'

The grapes were probably sour anyway.

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Newsflash, people lie on their dating profiles!

Well let's just say the people superficial enough to use this feature might find themselves taking a longer time to find love.

I have been using OKCUPID.COM for many years.

Should I then be compelled to waste my time dealing with them on some dating website, because some self-righteous liberal prig thinks this is "unfair" or "offensive?" Sanity has gone out the window. Political correctness is a disease, a plague intended to silence opposition and oppress individual rights.

So, can fat and ugly people pay for this feature


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Lewinsky Negligee, Other 'Evidence' in Clinton Case, to be Auctioned

Remember 1998? Various massacres were going on in Algeria to massive indifference from the global community. Russia found closure from that whole "communism" thing by finally burying Nicolas II. Something called "Windows 98" came out. And who could forget wacky Pakistan and their medium-range missiles capable of hitting India? We ended the year with the first ever "leap second" and gazed confidently into a future so bright it was capable of causing damage to unprotected eyes.

Yup, those were the big events. Algeria, that sort of thing. Oh, and there was this little scandal involving the President of the United States, a woman who had an "average" body type by American standards and lies on top of lies. But it can't be that important, since it isn't even mentioned on a Wikipedia page that meticulously details every little bad thing that happened in North Africa that year.

Still, some people care, apparently. Even today. All right there's basically no evidence to support this statement, save an ill-conceived "auction."

It's not her famous blue dress, but a box-load of other mementos and clothing from Monica Lewinsky examined as potential evidence in Kenneth Starr's case against former President Clinton--including a black negligee--are hitting the auction block.

If there's some sort of specialized pervert who is actually willing to pay for that my remaining sliver of faith in humanity will officially be destroyed worse than the parts of Pakistan used for medium-range missile testing.

Lot #375 of the online auction at Nate D. Sanders Fine Autographs & Memorabilia has an opening bid of $2,500 and is expected to surge between now and June 27 when the bidding concludes.

Own a piece of history that everyone just wants to forget!

"Items owned by Monica Lewinsky, especially relating to the Clinton scandal and Ken Starr investigation are exceedingly rare," said Sanders.

Cuneiform tablets from ancient Sumeria are exceedingly rare. Plus-size underwear? No.

The ravages of age and poor decisions.

In the collection are a Clinton typed letter signed on White House stationery and addressed to Bleiler per Lewinsky's request, the negligee and some White House M&Ms.

How they managed to go uneaten is perhaps the biggest mystery of all.

It also includes a handwritten letter from Lewinsky during the sex scandal in which she wrote, "...am I good at lying through my teeth or what..."

You know, I'm not even going to make the obvious jokes. 

Well, I hope you enjoyed this journey back to a simpler time. If they're selling any underwear or candy from the riots directed against Chinese Indonesians that broke out in Indonesia I'll let you know.

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A "Cigar" box full of stuff?

Size 33, slightly soiled............I'll pass.............

Well wash my shirt! I was hoping to see an autographed copy of Monica's in depthed "Comprehensive Guide for White House Interns". I was also disappointed not to see any cigars among the auction mementos.

.......will any of the proceeds be donated, for tax reasons, to hillarys campaign for president?

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.