Wednesday, November 11, 2015

News You Can't Use: Police Probe Alleged Raiders Player’s Taunting Of K-9

Are you ready for some football? Hopefully not, because what you're getting is another story of banal criminality from an American hand-bladder player. It turns out that some amount of dog taunting may have occurred and before you dismiss this as not that big a deal let me remind you that the NFL's record toward our furry friends is not the greatest, from an endless string of pitifully bad Cleveland Brown dawg pound teams to that bit of unpleasantness with the kennels that bring bad news to the refusal to allow Air Bud to become a cross-sport superstar because of a rules technicality.

Police are investigating the alleged taunting of a police K-9 by a member of the Oakland Raiders at Heinz Field Sunday afternoon.

It's the sort of unbelievably complicated and nuanced case that requires great scrutiny. Was he really taunting? Let's go under that hood for an official's time out and try to determine it while home viewers are pummeled with another volley of sickening commercialism.

According to police, the incident happened as the Raiders were taking the field for their matchup with the Steelers.

Just commit crimes, baby.

We were immediately notified about the incident, and we immediately initiated a criminal investigation into the matter. Sheriff’s Office supervisors interviewed witnesses and reviewed video surveillance recordings at Heinz Field.

We must determine if the taunting broke the plane of the five yard "halo" around the hero-animal.

Sources tell our Rich Walsh that the player has been identified as linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong. 

Whether we can call him Ray, or we can call him Ray, or we can call him Ray-Ray remains unknown as of this writing.

Sources say Armstrong lifted up his shirt, beat his chest, and started barking and yelling at the K-9 before the start of the game. The dog had to be restrained.

Somehow that full-ride scholarship to an alleged university failed to instill basic civility or a reluctance to reenact scenes from "The Good Son."

Taunting a police K-9 is a felony in Pennsylvania. 

Bear-bothering remains a misdemeanor unless the bruin in question is currently trying to hibernate.

"I can't believe I looked up to a guy that messes with animals. I think I'll go back to law school."

The Oakland Raiders and Armstrong have been made aware of the situation. 

Are you even aware, bro? As it turns out, yes.

Don't bother with the ad-riddled source:

Komment Korner   

I can hear John Madden say something like "I really like this kid, Ray-Ray. He's quick. He's tough. My kinda player. Here comes now. And look, he's got a dog chas'en him!

What the police are doing is humanizing an animal.

That's why I'm a baseball fan.

Taunting, number 57 of the defense, 15 year maximum, FIRST DOWN!!!

Hey, Ray-Ray leave that dog alone.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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