News You Can't Use: Hong Kong Leader Tells People to Act Like ‘Sheep’

Happy Kung Hei Fat Choy, everyone! Just as I was getting used to writing "Horse" on official documents it's time for a new animal, one that so totally embodies positive characteristics that Great Leader might even suggest you emulate it. Yes, as we kick off the first day of the (great) year, it's time to consider the virtues of grazing wool-makers and how they can help you be a better human unit number within your glorious collective.

Hong Kong’s unpopular chief executive has infuriated pro-democracy campaigners by using a Chinese New Year message to urge the former colony's citizens to act more "like sheep".

Leave it to our unpopular leader to do something unpopular. 1 = 1, in other words. Can't get enough of that reflexive property in journalism, no sir.

In a brief video address commemorating the start of Year of the Sheep, CY Leung said sheep-like behavior was required in the wake of the turbulence caused by last year’s street protests.

Well, that or "corpse-like behavior" depending on how fast you were able to run.

“Last year was no easy ride for Hong Kong. Our society was rife with differences and conflicts,” the chief executive of the former British colony said.

Hopefully this next year for Hong Kong will be a slow ride, take it easy. Appease me, appease me! Slow ride dictatorship, you're so fine.

Also, I get that it once was a colony, you don't have to keep bringing it up because finding other ways to say "Hong Kong" is difficult.

“In the coming year, I hope that all people in Hong Kong will take inspiration from the sheep's character and pull together in an accommodating manner to work for Hong Kong's future.”

"You might find that not asking questions is an enjoyable past time."

In case his message had been missed, Mr Leung noted that the 12 animals in the Chinese zodiac had 12 individual "character types".

Sorry if the obvious symbolism was lost on your pea brain. Here, let me really break this thing down.

"Sheep are widely seen to be mild and gentle animals living peacefully in groups," he said.

Yes, that's the usual implication. This is why "Sheeple" is a compliment.

“He has every intention of gobbling up Hong Kong for his Beijing master,” said Claudia Mo, a pro-democracy legislator, noting how Mr Leung’s detractors knew him as “the wolf”.

Whoa, there Claudia. Ask yourself how a lovable sheep would handle this.

Celebrate by watching lots of television!

Mr Leung had a track record of tactlessness, Ms Mo added. “Once he told his supporters that if others have different opinions [they should] go and shout at them.”

Yeah baby, mmmmmmm, you got some different opinions on you, aw yeah. Let me holler at you, get all Mr. Leung up in here with you.

Ma Ngok, a political scientist, told the South China Morning Post, the comment was “not smart”.

Next time just call them the Chinese language equivalent of "folks" and insist that your megalomaniac plans are "The right thing to do."

“He seems like he wants the people to blindly follow what he says like sheep following the shepherd. And CY Leung preaching more peace is kind of ironic because many people see him as the guy causing a lot of conflicts in Hong Kong."

Calls for peace but causes conflicts. That really is ironic, Alanis.

The pro-Beijing leader’s impoverished childhood instilled in him “the importance of determination and perseverance,” the profile said.

See, this is why electing silver-spoon plutocrats is the wise course of action.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.