News You Can't Use: Exercise Data Reveal a Couch Potato Nation

Americans are fat. This is not news. But hey, we've got "science" in the form of attaching hungry, hungry citizens of this great republic to various probes and sensors and then recording the lethargy. The results, predictably, paint a picture of real women with real curves, real men with real sleep apnea issues and a nation that would never leave the couch, ever, if such a paradise was somehow obtainable.

Americans are stuck in chairs and on the couch, spending eight hours a day with their metabolic engines barely idling

And that isn't even counting the so-called "sleeping" that wastes another eight hours.

According to data from sensors that scientists put on nearly 2,600 people to see what they actually did all day.

"Can't I just write down what I do and report back? I think my word should be good enough."

"No. Sensors."

The results were not encouraging: Obese women averaged about 11 seconds a day at vigorous exercise

This exercise consisted of opening various food containers.

11 seconds? How is that even possible? It's been awhile since I've had an 11 second vigorous exercise and the truth is it happens to all men sometimes so stop looking at me like that and let me go to sleep.

While men and women of normal weight exercised vigorously (on the level of a jog or brisk uphill hike) for less than two minutes a day, according to the study published in Mayo Clinic Proceedings.

While not quite a two pump (of knees while hiking uphill) chump, it's not especially good, either.

I'm guessing the land whales used in this study thought the "mayo clinic" was some sort of mayonnaise research center and by the time they figured out it wasn't the medical devices had already been attached.

If you included moderate exercise, such as yoga or golf, folks of normal weight logged about 2.5 to 4 hours weekly, according to the data. In part, that’s good news: federal recommendations for adults include 2.5 hours of moderate-intensity aerobic activity coupled with muscle-strengthening exercise.

So really, everything is fine.

Still, the data sketch a nearly supine population profile, with days marked by long hours of sedentary behavior, particularly for those who are overweight or obese.

One nation, fully prone, gasping for breath, with assorted salty snack items and sugar syrups for all.

Edward C. Archer, a nutrition and obesity researcher at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “How you spend your day determines whether you store your food as fat or store your food in your muscle, healthfully.” 

I don't think it's possible to be an "obesity researcher" in the USA and not be constantly on the verge of a violent meltdown.

Time for those eleven seconds of vigorous exercise.

For the obese, the study confirms what has been known for some time -- they are stuck in a “vicious cycle” of  inactivity and weight gain, said Archer.

We have now proven the "what goes around come around" hypothesis and are close to a unifying theory of how you can't have your cake and eat it too.

The difference between those who were overweight and those with a normal range body mass amounted to four to six minutes of moderate to vigorous activity, the study showed.

If we could just get everyone to climb a sheer cliff face while weighted down with 100 pounds of gear as quickly as possible for a lousy six minutes a day we would solve this problem.

Although socioeconomic data were not included in the paper, previous research has shown that low-income people, particularly single mothers, are most likely to falling into a low-exercise lifestyle, in part from the demands of work and from the condition of recreational facilities in their neighborhoods.

Although the article is pretty much over I thought I'd throw in this irrelevant digression that has vaguely political undertones for no good reason.

“Ultimately the greatest inequalities we have is in our health behaviors,” he said.

"If only there was some way to redistribute exercise using coercive methods via a state-controlled apparatus, perhaps after a bloody revolution where the 'health nobility' are targeted."

“Unfortunately, we live most of our life going from chair to chair to chair. And if we can change that, just a little bit, we can have a massive impact on our healthcare costs.”

Just remember, you are the sum of the value you create minus the costs of sustaining your life and that's it. For the good of an impersonal and often hostile system, shape the hell up.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

There is a long political tradition of abusing fat kids

JUST A ROUTINE AUDIT, CITIZEN-UNIT...

Getting down to the floor also allows for greater mobility as one streches and moves the body.

Yeah, and their new model is Planet Fitness, where serious fitness buffs are excluded, uninvited, and overtly discouraged from membership.

I've noticed the three most prominent "fat jobs" are goobmit, deadumacation, and hellth care.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: How to Play Office Politics -- HealthCallings.com

Are you stuck in a job where neither nepotism or special preferences are helping you? Yes, of course you are. You could always work hard and be the best possible employee. After that fails, it's time to aware yourself on the exciting game of office politics. Think of it as the victim group you create for yourself and consists only of you, the gossip and character assassination set aside or the big rewards that come when you embrace that inner sociopath. The only problem is you'll probably make a mess of it and be one of those criminals that gets caught and punished instead of the usual case where they get big prizes.

Luckily, there's a video! Like a nine to five Borgia you can now unlock the secrets of Byzantine maneuvering, explained in terms so simple and patronizing there's no chance of screwing this up. Big promotion, here we come!

Unless the boss has a kid that also works there or there's a government mandate to promote a handicapped, female gay Aleutian islander. Than you're boned, sorry. 

I should also point out that this video is for the "health care" professional, so I'm guessing they'll be lots of advice about cultivating an atmosphere of distrust by constantly making oblique references to the coming "Obama Care" disaster.

Cheery corporate video music plays as we meet "Ann," a woman who looks like she does her tanning at a New Mexico nuclear testing site. She also has the bad habit of speaking in what I call the "Olive Garden Waitress Voice." You know what I mean. Way too much simulated cheerfulness and ersatz enthusiasm, coupled with a healthy dose of condescension. Who better to guide us through the minefield of health care-related office politics? 

"I'm Ann and I'll be teaching YOU how to sow that discord!

She concedes that politics can leave one feeling like a "pawn" or even "collateral damage." Man, that movie was horrible. I did like the scene where Arnold goes nuts and starts smashing computers with a ball bat for some reason. "Ja, heir ist your co-lat-er-awl dam-ige!" Doing that probably won't help you get that big raise, by the way.

That Weiner creep should be joining you here in Sex Prison very soon.

It's a dirty game, but we're told we're going to "have to play." You're already in the sewer, health care professional, now it's time to get dirty. She talks about "stakeholders" which caused involuntary cringing and then she mentions "regulators." Yeah, if only. Sadly, she's doesn't follow that with references to not being a "geek off the street" and being "handy with the disclosure of information, earn your keep."

Instead we get more patronizing language. The key is mastering some simple techniques. You don't want to jump right into using elaborate mindwashing interventions without a sound base. First rule: don't make crazy remarks. Yup, no more "Man, that Hitler had some good ideas." To help make this complicated concept a little more clear she suggests you might bash a university only to find out your boss actually went there! Whoops! Get ready for that "Braxton Community College" snob to land on your hopes and dreams like a cartoon anvil.

How dare you criticize DMU! 

We even get a "glass breaking" sound effect. I guess the needle skipping across a record sound wasn't available. Sadly Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't come out and give Ann the stunner, like I was expecting. Instead our lecturer declares this hypothetical situation to be "Awkward!" The suggested alternative to ranting about your extreme political views and hatred of anyone even slightly different than you? Yes, shutting the hell up. Also try to get along with others. Man, this stuff is gold! No more walking through the prenatal ward with a chunk of particle board on my shoulder and daring co-workers to "knock it off and see what happens!" 

It's a madhouse! A madhouse!!!

We should also stay out of the "X-Ray tech's personal issues." What he does with that machine, lead vests and the more naive interns is none of your business.

Because we live in a glorious future of flying cars and so on we must now address "electronic mail." I was anticipating a painful reference to "netiquette" with grim resolve, but incredibly she doesn't use that particular term. The advice we do get is don't send messages while "angry." I would also include not sending them after washing down a fistful of pills with vodka, as painful personal experience has very gradually taught me.

"Assume your boss does not want to see your homemade fetish videos."

Just calm down, basically. We should imagine our supervisor actually reading a message that consists of a blurry JPEG of your bikini area and ten pages of rambling threats. Instead, please bottle up that rage. You know, this whole video is one giant advertisement for the benefits of not being yourself.

In case we're still not getting it, we're now told to "listen." This is crazy enough to work. "Some things are better left unsaid," says Ann. Various violence fantasies about your immediate supervisor probably fall into that category.

What if the atmosphere is so toxic that even not directly expressing my many personal pathologies isn't helping? Fear not, there's job listing on some sort of website! Next time be respectful, listen to others, send professional e-mails and succeed for sure! Assuming the health care worker in question isn't stealing pills to feed an addiction or accidentally pulling the plug on the "bad ones," or something, of course. It wouldn't hurt to be related to someone, either.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble. 

News You Can't Use: Justin Faker!

Twitter is a miracle of this modern age. You've got celebrities and politicians who apparently think it's facebook, providing endless banal life updates (I drank a soda!) and sometimes destroying themselves with mildly amusing meltdowns that unsuccessfully challenge the prevailing orthodoxy. You've got shills, endlessly pushing their lame goods and services (Not like I'd know about that. In unrelated news The Foolchild Invention, probably the best novel ever written, is currently available at Amazon.com). You've got single issue voters eager to endlessly discuss that special one issue. You've got teens and their extremely important teen problems because that's the most meaningful and valuable time in the human life span by a wide margin. You've got "joke" accounts, with names like Dave Chickensoup and Manda CrimesAgainstHumanda making wacky quips that even mainstream television would reject. And, of course, fakes.

Yes, phonies. It's a tough pill. I assumed that dozens of swimsuit-clad ladies, many in various states of what zoologists calls "presenting," wanted to hear my third-rate stand-up act played out over a series of 140 character posts. The sad, bitter truth is it turns out probably at least some of these bathing beauties are not actual people as we know them. Still, I can take some solace in knowing it also happens to Justin Bieber. Yes, you read that correctly. The horror, the horror...

The Canadian teenager was crowned the King of Twitter earlier this year when he overtook Lady Gaga's follower count. But it would appear the award was bogus as the study reveals Gaga has in fact got more real followers. Justin, 19, leads the top ten Twitter accounts for fake fans with around 45 per cent of his following believed to be completely phony.

Noooooo!!!!! Now who will rule over us? Next you'll be telling me that so-called "fake fans" are also having an impact on, say, presidential elections. I refuse to Bieleib it. 

I'll spend a few hundred bucks, get a fake army and then conquer the world. Am I doing it right?

Fake followers are determined as those who follow less than 50 and have less than one follower, have never tweeted or use Twitter to promote spam and use words including 'diet', 'make money' and 'work from home'.

At least this is logical. No real person, at least in America, has any interest in working or dieting. #DevastatingTruths 

But the Twitter news is the latest blow for Justin who has endured a tough few months. He was dumped by girlfriend Selena Gomez at the start of the year and was booed on a recent trip to London after arriving two hours late on stage.

You're not Axl Rose, kid. Try to be more punctual in the future. This write-up will go into your HR file, along with a formal reprimand for having fake followers. 

 Original article which is ironically riddled with annoying ads for useless garbage.

Aaron Zehner has many real twitter followers, all of whom are extremely intelligent and attractive. His first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.