Thursday, July 6, 2017

News You Can't Use: Pregnant Woman Arrested For Cupcake Battery

It's amazing how easy it is to turn a horrible incident into pure knee-slapperism by altering just one of the awful details to wack-a-doodle goofiness. Turn the gun into a marital aid, the car driven by the drunkard into an Eastern European picnic table, maybe make that thrown bottle a cupcake. It really isn't all that difficult. This evidence suggests the current comedy famine we're living in is actually intentional and not merely a cultural refractory period following the removal of Pauly Shore from the public eye or whatever your plausible explanation would be.

A pregnant Florida woman was arrested for domestic battery after pelting her brother with frosted cupcakes during a 1:45 AM argument Saturday in the family’s Vero Beach residence, police report.

If they had sprinkles the charges would have been even worse.

According to cops, Latonya Daugherty, 24, was quarreling with her 30-year-old sibling when the “verbal argument escalated.”

"Escalated quickly" is the phrase I think you're trying to employ here. A simple quarrel over whether we should accept the Riemann Hypothesis goes wrong and bakery novelties become deadly projectiles.

The cupcakes, an arrest affidavit notes, struck Yaddow in the arm and chest.

Eat this Ding-Dong, you miscreant. Ugh, just winged ya.

Yaddow, investigators say, retaliated by removing frosting off his arms and “wiping it in her hair.” Yaddow, pictured at right, also allegedly kicked Daugherty in the stomach.

The one weakness of this otherwise well-conceived volley of empty calories. We're taking some friendly frosting fire, will try to hold out, please send help.

In an interview with police, Daugherty’s mother described her daughter as the “initial primary aggressor as she threw cupcakes.”

I'm sure those were the exact words and not some Morlock gibbering as depicted in the classic novel The Time Machine.

But Yaddow’s reaction, cops concluded, “exceeded a reasonable response in self defense,” prompting officers to arrest him for aggravated battery.

Before you criticize police, remember that we expect them to referee this sort of absolutely staggering violent idiocy.

While police took note of the blue frosting in Daugherty’s hair, the cupcakes themselves were not collected as evidence.

Er, yeah. We don't actually need them as evidence. *discretely wipes crumbs off mouth*

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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