Saturday, July 1, 2017

News You Can't Use: Cops Hunt For Chrome-Domed Rogaine Bandit

The heartbreak of male pattern baldness, let alone the "chrome dome," is truly one of nature's cruelest pranks, right up there with a nose that never stops growing and uncontrollable falling down syndrome. It's arguably forgivable, then, that mid-life crisis cases are addicted to extremely flammable hair growth miracle cures, ranging from semi-legitimate transplant efforts to "hair in a can" spray paint solutions. Still, we live in a land of laws, and trying to restore your lost youth in a vanity-themed effort to stave off death's grim specter must be done legally. We either have a country of law-abiding baldies or we don't. Treat you scalp, but do it the right way. I love the Rogaine, I love the Rogaine.

Michigan police are seeking the public’s assistance in apprehending a bald Rogaine thief. 

The problem with this manhunt is he'll use the product, immediately regrow a full head of thick, luxurious and glorious hair and the above description will be worthless. 

According to cops, the suspect last week swiped seven boxes of the hair regrowth product from a CVS pharmacy in Dearborn.

Next week we'll try to catch the empty pants thief who swiped seven crates of magic penis enlargement pills.

The chrome-domed culprit then placed the Rogaine in a shopping bag, exited the store, and drove away in an “older model Chevrolet,” police report.

Looks like the "restoring the classics" guy from those Hair Club ads has finally crossed over to the dark side.

As seen above, the suspect--wearing an “Air Force Dad” t-shirt--was recorded by CVS surveillance cameras as he entered the store on June 22.

We can only hope the tragic baldness that directly led to crime wasn't caused by our military "accidentally" exposing this guy to nerve gas or whatever.

Dearborn police suspect the perp will again try to steal Rogaine since “12–14 months of consistent use is needed to see results.”

Expect to see two or three new hairs in four to six years, if you're lucky. I think we know who the real crooks are, man.

Life is hard, then this happens, then you die.

Chief Ronald Haddad noted that, “While this is not the most hair-raising crime, we must protect our retailers as these crimes drive up the retail costs for honest consumers."  

This sort of hairy situation, full of bald-faced lies, can only end with the criminal shedding his freedom.

The suspect, cops say, is a black male between the ages of 30 and 40. He was wearing blue jean shorts at the time of the Rogaine heist.

Suspect was not wearing a hat and had no visible prosthetic limbs. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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