News You Can't Use: Student's Chapped Lips Lead to Policy Change Request

When the lips aren't happy the brain that theoretically lurks somewhat behind them isn't happy either. But what happens when an elementary school decides that lip balm is a dangerous drug that falls under their policy of never, ever, using discretion to make a common sense decision? Well, you get petitions, meetings, heroic children, actual bloodshed and a lot more! Yeah!

All right, there isn't any more. That was everything.  

An 11-year-old Stuarts Draft Elementary School student has collected petition signatures and officially asked the county school board to allow elementary students to use Chapstick.

The petition was actually titled "Sign here for free ice cream." When you get to junior high you can start learning about soft money, foreign donors and how to vote multiple times in elections.

Stuarts Draft fifth-grader Grace Karaffa appeared before the school board Thursday night, saying she had requested the substance while on the playground after suffering chapped lips.

Typical drug freak. So dependent on the goof stick that there's actual physical symptoms of withdrawal. "Stop the hide 'n' seek, I need a fix."

"I was told I couldn't use it. Then later that day they (lips) started to bleed so I asked for Chapstick again and I was told that it was against the school policy for elementary kids to have Chapstick,'' Grace said.

The upper-middle class version of the Bataan Death March. "Then later at my McMansion I had to wait a few minutes longer than expected for dinner. I was whining about the unfairness of it the entire time, naturally."

Grace asked the school board to change its policy. "Chapstick allows the human body to heal the lips themselves and protects them in any weather from drying out,'' she said.

The always tiresome "legitimate medical uses" argument from the Tube Heads. We know you just want to get wasted off lips that sort of taste like fruit. Stop with the lies.

She concluded her speech by saying, "Please school board, allow us to have Chapstick."

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this prohibition against putting Flava Craze on my gob."

Guaranteed to jack you up.

The petition contained 236 signatures. Those signatures included Stuarts Draft students and members of Grace's Girl Scout troop who are Augusta County students, said her father, Beverley Manor District Supervisor David Karaffa.

It's a lot easier to be heroic when your father is the ruler of this pathetic empire of dirt.

George Earhart, the assistant superintendent for administration with the Augusta County Schools, said Chapstick is considered an over-the-counter medication by the school board.

'This stuff is dynamite! It causes psychotic breaks and demon possession!"

Earhart said one of the reasons for the policy is concerns about elementary students sharing medications.

Apparently loading up children with "medications" is not a concern.

He said the student's request was taken under advisement by the school board.

Translation: "You're crying in the rain, pal! Tell your story walking!"

The school administration will communicate with the Karaffa family and could also report back to the school board.

Or not, it's still a semi-free country.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Glad I don't live in Stuart's Draft!

Would they count a small bottle of vaseline as a medication?

How many semesters of stupid are required before you are qualified to be a school admistrator?

As Hillary Clinton says, dissent is patriotic.

That Vitamin E is a gateway drug; didn't you know that?

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.