Wednesday, August 27, 2014

News You Can't Use: Idiot Lights Himself On Fire For ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

Ice is good. It cures diseases and creates fifteen second videos rich in whimsy and wacky. Fire is not good. It burns us, it does. When the two are combined you would think that they would cancel each other out and create a sort of lukewarm "it's okay" or "it could be better." Instead the result is amazing. It defied my fearful and superstitious expectations regarding the natural world and ruined hair that had already been compromised by a hat. Let's head south to take the farr 'n' icy wadda challenge.

I mean, you like challenges, don't you? You're not some sort of sissy? Come on.

We never thought we’d see the day when the Fire Challenge and the Ice Bucket Challenge were united as one.

Oh no, our various societal St. Vitus dances are mutating and merging together into a sort of behavioral super virus!

Dubbed the Dumbest Man in the World by E!, the man in this YouTube video staged an absurd Ice Bucket Challenge wherein he lit his head on fire before dousing himself in ice water.

It's dumb, I'll concede that, but the dumbest man in the world? Seems pretty unlikely. All he did was try to imitate a stunt he probably saw the previous weekend at a monster truck rally. It's not like he bailed out bankers or something.

To make matters more absurd, he also equipped himself with a tiny stars-and-stripes-covered vest, camouflage cargo shorts, and a giant Confederate flag.

If you asked a New York liberal to create a "Red State Voter" from a ball of alluvial clay and then somehow breath life and semi-humanity into it, this would be the end result. 

The man, who identifies himself as “Cam,” is raring to go before the challenge starts. What could go wrong?

Welcome to Ice and Fire World, where nothing can possibly go wrong. Please enjoy what will certainly be the most memorable vacation of your life.

After taking a sip from his flask and spitting it out, Cam lights his hat on fire.

And with this sentence, the new golden age of American Literature began.

"I ain't takin' no census!"

Nanoseconds later, his entire head is engulfed in flames.

Rule of Komedy: Metric measurements for impossibly small quantities are pretty much always funny.

A friend dumps a bucket of water on his head, but it does nothing to extinguish the flames — in fact, the fire on his head only gets bigger. What is the actual science behind this?

Fire getting does it work? Explain this one away, lying scientists. 

The two man reenactment of the Battle of Atlanta.

The idiotic man and his friend run off screen, the friend yelling, “Dude, roll on the fucking ground!”

Expect to see an animated Aardvark in the upcoming public school awareness campaign called "Stop, drop and roll on the fucking ground."

Thankfully, despite his head having been transformed into a great ball of fire, Cam re-appears on camera alive.

It would be a shame to lose a guy who is likely to cure diseases, write symphonies and/or do valuable hog farming labor to the personification of a Jerry Lee Lewis song.

“Dude, my hair’s fucked up,” he says, but he otherwise looks to be fine.

"This is gwine hurr mah male model creer."

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, designed to raise money to help fight disease, has also taken a dangerous turn. Earlier this week, we reported on the U.K. teen who died when dumped a bucket of water on his head, and proceeded to jump off an 80-foot cliff.

Take the "Gravity Challenge" to find a cure for Uncontrollable Salivating Syndrome!

We repeat: No amount of bodily harm is worth 15 seconds of Internet fame, people.

So you might want to skip the "Hitting Yourself with a Hammer Challenge."

Full Story.

Komment Korner

[Insert something unoriginal about Darwin awards here] [pretend I'm original]

gotta fill sorry for someone like this. who puts there very life @ Stake for some notoriety...

Did he think the "Don't try this at home" didn't apply if he went to a friend's house?

This guy suffers from Cranio-Rectal Syndrome.

Dumb, but no Darwin award this time.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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