Wednesday, April 3, 2013

News You Can't Use: The Anti-Drone Hoodie That Helps You Beat Big Brother's Spy in the Sky

There are few safer choices of clothing than a "hoodie" if you want to avoid being the victim of random violence. But could it defeat drones? An exciting new story confirms that no, it could not.

Huzzah! My +2 Hoodie of Drone Immunity is ready, Obummer!

I am wearing a silver hoodie that stops just below the nipples. Or, if you prefer, a baggy crop-top with a hood.

"I am writing an article about this." Yeah, I get it. Also, I definitely prefer the second description. We don't need to bring the "N Word" into this story of fashion, hipsters, paranoia and other assorted idiocy.
It has wide square shoulders and an overzealous zip that does up right to the tip of my nose.

I don't know if "overzealous" can be applied to zippers when it comes to secretive murders carried out by the N.W.O. If anything, that zipper doesn't go far enough.
It does not, it's fair to say, make its wearer look especially cool. But that's not really what this hoodie is about. It has been designed to hide me from the thermal imaging systems of unmanned aerial surveillance vehicles – drones. And, as far as I can tell, it's working well.

"Yeah, have a good laugh. We'll see who is still laughing after the unmanned aerial surveillance vehicles, or "drones" if you will, are deployed against us by an evil madman that once won a peace prize for some reason.

Hopefully he's more accurate with these than he is with a basketball.

"It's what I call anti-drone," explains designer Adam Harvey. "That's the sentiment. The material in the anti-drone clothing is made of silver, which is reflective to heat and makes the wearer invisible to thermal imaging."

Hell yes. I'm like a Starbucks drinking version of The Predator. 

It began in 2010 with Camoflash, an anti-paparazzi handbag that responds to the unwanted camera flashes with a counter-flash of its own, replacing the photograph's intended subject with a fuzzy orb of bright white light.

Thanks to that invention the paparazzis have all been forced to retire and get honest jobs. Most people don't even care about celebrities anymore and the pursuit of scientific knowledge is now the main interest of the average American. Discarded televisions are filling our landfills and this new Golden Age of knowledge and wisdom is a direct result of the "Camoflash." Now if only we can figure out a way not to be murdered by Comrade President...hoodie...yes...societal perfection achieved.

There is, I point out, no obvious target audience for anti-drone fashion. He's unfazed.

Hey, shut up. 

So this is that "sarcasm" I keep hearing about.

You can imagine everything, from general domestic spying by a government, or more commercial reconnaissance of individuals."

Go on bud/zip it up/'til you reach that pure imag-in-ation!

Not least because many of the people making counter-surveillance equipment are keen to keep it out of civilian hands. "The only people who really don't need to be seen," says military camouflage designer Guy Cramer, "are the ones who are doing something wrong out there."

There's nothing more relieving than having a shady military-type explain that only the "bad people" are going to get it and you're certainly not one of the "bad people," are you? We can all stop worrying.

He, too, is sceptical about the real-world application of anti-drone fashionwear: "It doesn't matter how good your clothing is, if you're not masking every part of your body – your hands, your face, your eyes – it's going to give away your position." An anti-drone burqa, then? That, he admits, would do the trick. But it would really take the fashion out of counter-surveillance fashionwear.

"It wouldn't even protect you when we come to get, which we'd never do because your government loves you and cares deeply about your rights as a free individual in an open society. Now, if you'll excuse me there's this germ warfare project I have to get back to."

By the way, April Fools. Haw. Haw. Haw.

Komment Korner 

Remember the Branch Davidians in Waco? Lots of Britons among the dead, killed by a US police agency. Today, they'd probably use drones instead of a tank to burn people to death.

I don't think I need a tinfoil hat. I think you lack empathy and compassion.

Youll be able to identify tw*ts from a mile off when they start wearing those things.

 Aah, a bad taste April Fools.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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