Sunday, April 7, 2013

DotTeeVee: "Lipstick" Bounty Hunters Attack and Injure Citizen

Posting bail is one of the stranger ideas that western jurisprudence has produced. Honestly, think about it. We'll let some criminal element go, on his or her word of honor, because some third party's borrowed money has been paid. Then, when the inevitable case of "rabbit" ensues we'll deploy semi-competent, violent individuals who are differentiated from the criminals they re-catch only by the thinnest of technicalities. This leads to more crimes and property damage and hurt feelings and (major spoiler) flukie football, but on the other hand it creates several minutes of mildly entertaining streaming video.

Sometimes a woman's touch makes all the difference and tonight's feature presentation is all about what happens when the fairer sex enters the exciting and glamorous world of bail bonds. If you're thinking "I bet they're inept, more extreme than men would be and constantly do crazy things" then you're both a politically incorrect genderist monster and right on the money.

"...and that's why I trust Summer's Eve."

We start with an info dump describing today's fugitive. He's both small and husky. Short and an All-American beer belly, thanks a lot genetics and sedentary lifestyle. Man, if this was a video game this would definitely be the easy tutorial stage. His hobbies include illegal narcotics commerce and deadly weapons, turn-ons are profitable crime, bubble baths and fine men's cologne and turn-offs are dirty fingernails, being shot with rubber bullets and people who smoke in enclosed spaces.

I'm just big boned..

The plan is to meet him at an "Arby's" under false pretenses involving a thumb print. This promises so much adventure, exotic locales and grrrl power, I'm already fired up and nothing has happened yet. It's revealed that he's not even actually a fugitive, but had his bond revoked for lying on a form or something. Employment application, by all means lie your ass off. Applying for a bail bond? The rules are a little different, it would appear. Anyway, the plan is to catch the drug-dealing Napoleon in a roast-beef induced food coma and make a nice clean capture. Let's do this thing.

Usury, junk food, fossil fuels = legal. Lying on a form = illegal.

The well-conceived plan of running up to the semi-fugitive, grabbing awkwardly at him and then having back-up rush in awkwardly holding a giant hand cannon unfolds and it's a bit of a mess to say the least. In a land of frequent "open shooter" incidents I bet the bystanders had a good laugh once everything was explained and the initial horror wore off. Look at the next image. Is there anything that screams "America" more than guns, fatty food, yelling and attempted imprisonment? If Norman Rockwell were still alive, this is what he'd be painting.

Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing...

Our meth-cooking friend wants to know "what the fudge?" and considering the circumstances it seems like a fair question. Despite facing down the barrel of a gun and being awkwardly grabbed he makes a break from the fast food Waterloo and we get some nice Blair Witch camera footage as the ladies rush after him in hopes of collaring the not-exactly-a-fugitive-but-still-kinda-is. 

What happens next calls to mind my first game of tackle football, age ten. We wanted to emulate our steroid-powered heroes but because no one knew how to correctly tackle we ended up grabbing shirts and pulling each other down with tiny handfuls of ripping fabric. A bunch of us got hurt, all our clothes were ruined and no one learned a damn thing. A similar narrative unfolds in this video as one of the women grabs a handful of shirt and hangs on with bulldog-mode determination while the running man yells clever rejoinders like "leave me alone!"

  No, you're ripping it! My mom is going to kill me!

Rubber bullets are deployed at point blank range and if you like hearing a grown man say "Ow!" over and over you're in for a very special treat. Luckily, his natural huskiness seems to act like a sort of natural armor and the subduing projectiles prove inadequate to the task. Another attempted grab sends one of the lipstick bounty hunters crashing to the cold, hard ground. Trouble, trouble. All this is then shown in loving slo-mo instant replay.

After further review the runner's knee was down prior to breaking the plane of the goal line.

After about another hundred or so "Ows" combined with more concrete meet-n-greets the husky liar gets in his car and drives off. Two other cars block off the parking lot and are described as belonging to "friends" of the suspect, but frankly whatever remaining credibility this video had was already strained to the breaking point. Now we're supposed to believe there's some massive, anti-lipstick bounty hunter conspiracy? It makes me long for the realistic story-telling of professional wrestling.

Suspect's other friend in orbiting satellite fires an EMP to aid in his escape.

Despite this massive coalition gathered by the non-fugitive-but-still-wanted man, the lovely ladies are not about to give up and they pursue in the lipstickmobile. Without a clear resolution the video ends, presenting a "to be continued" with some out of place rapping. "At the Arby's eating that swill/now a gun is up in my grill/trying to run, getting hurt/damn, stop pulling on my shirt." That sort of thing.

Komment Korner

This is real. He filed a multi million dollar lawsuit against them.

 lol a bunch of out of shape bitches trying to play dog the bountydude

I know this is pretty cruel but I found this video utterly hilarious

 I hope the next person you attempt to catch is armed and kills you stupid fucks.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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