News You Can't Use: Study Finds Lonely People Humanize Tech Gadgets

Since I was raised as a feral child by friendly calculators and speak-n-spells in the basement of a Radio Shack it comes naturally for me to assign human characteristics to Chinese light boxes. But what of the so-called "lonely," those wretched souls who want for human companionship and, I guess, can't afford regular lap dances or trips to a Mormon singles retreat or what have you. It appears that the man-shaped hole in your bed can, in fact, be poorly filled in by pretending the electronic devices in your life are capable of returning the love and affection you shower on them. This is all a clear sign of societal health.

Many of us have had the experience of talking to — or, more like, swearing at — our computer as if it had a mind of its own. 

Yeah, my computer or "device," as it now calls itself. I tell it "Listen up, device. I got vices of my own and I'll crush you in one of them. PAIN!!!"

Some of us, ahem, have even treated our iPhones or Kindles like they were willfully trying to screw with us.

All right Kindle, everything up until now has just been fun and games as far as I'm concerned. But now you're starting to make me mad. And when I get mad, bad things happen, so please display the written vampire capitalist with a heart of gold pornography.

As relatable as this impulse is, though, a new study published in the journal Psychological Science suggests that it’s lonely and anxious people who are most likely to anthropomorphize technological gadgets.

Losers most likely to engage in pathetic dork-meister behavior, imagine that.

But, according to researchers, when we’re reminded of our close connections with other people, regardless of how lonely or anxious we are, we are less likely to humanize these inanimate devices.

I had a friendly conversation with another Wise Wise Man so you're not getting any love, Central Processing Unit.

“We think this work really highlights how important feeling socially connected is to people and the lengths people will go to ‘reconnect’ when they feel disconnected, and it reminds us of the value of our close relationships,” said lead researcher Jennifer Bartz of McGill University in a press release.

Another McGill University snob.

The researchers put 178 participants through a series of questionnaires that measure things like a person’s loneliness and self-esteem.

Darling are you lonesome tonight? y/n

Then, half the participants were asked to think about an “important” and “meaningful” relationship and answer a bunch of questions about that particular person.

Then we got a boodle of statistics which were wirr-zizzired into some highly dubious conclusions about y'all folks.

Mud, slime, necrotic rotting bodies...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Then the participants were asked to read descriptions of four different gadgets, including Clocky, an alarm clock with wheels that rolls away from you when it goes off.  

Conversely I'll roll right up on your grill when I go off.

The researchers found a strong association between loneliness and a tendency to humanize gadgets.

They also found a strong association between grant money and making some sort of finding.

The researchers suggest that anthropomorphizing tech is a way that lonely and anxious people seek out a sense of connection — but it’s not exactly a great long-term strategy.

Have you tried getting married and raising a family instead of having Omega Man conversations with Clocky, in other words.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Media Mogul Dmitry Itskov Plans to Live Forever by Uploading His Personality to a Robot

Is it possible to defeat the grim specter of hateful death and should this victory over the grave be used to preserve some Russian web content oligarch? The answer is both of these questions is, of course, "no" but this isn't going to stop a fantastically wealthy Muscovite from attempting to recreate a plot from a lesser Isaac Asimov novel in a bid to allow an endless, mediocre eternity imprisoned in a mechanical hell. I wish him all the best.

Money can buy you immortality, according to the Russian internet multi-millionaire who is ploughing a fortune into a project to create a human that never dies.

Well, I'm convinced. Trade one bubble for another, sounds reasonable.

The group of neuroscientists, robot builders and consciousness researchers say they can create an android that is capable of uploading someone’s personality.

I would like to hang out with consciousness researchers and maybe party with them. That sounds absolutely righteous. I'm not sure how we'll convert the human mind and soul into a "has performed a fatal error will now shut now" computer program to be uploaded into an android, but if anyone can do it it's the guys ripping off a plutocrat who also uses his money to buy tiny giraffes.

"Different scientists call it uploading or they call it mind transfer. I prefer to call it personality transfer" - Dmitry Itskov​

I prefer to call it the hope of worms, but I'm a deeply cynical individual who probably needs extensive re-education.

It would work by uploading a digital version of a human brain to an android – effectively rebooting a person’s mind – which would take the form of a robotic copy of a human body or, once technology has developed, a hologram with a full human personality.

Once we discover this technology that currently doesn't exist in even the most rudimentary form we'll be all set.

Mr Itskov, who at 35 has amassed a fortune from his internet media firm New Media Stars, says he is “100pc sure it will happen”.

I made all those wonderful and joyous "reaction" videos, I deserve to live forever in a twenty-foot tall mechanical body.

He told BBC Horizon in a documentary that airs Wednesday: “If there is no immortality technology, I’ll be dead in the next 35 years.”

I'm not going to make it past 70, for obvious reasons. *gestures toward bloated, decadent lifestyle*

Now to transfer my personality into this robot T-Rex.

The project’s first step is to create a robot that can be controlled using the mind. 

Simple little milk run, no big deal.

“The ultimate goal of my plan is to transfer someone’s personality into the new artificial carrier,” Mr Itskov told the Horizon documentary, writes The Sunday Times.

Imagine the horrific nightmare world, worthy of your worst "young adult dystopia" hack, that will result. We gotta get on this.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Naps Linked with Higher Risk of Death

Sometimes posting one of these is so easy it's like the work is already done before I start. Start with a poorly written article warning of the massive risks of ordinary behavior that cites no sources and contains literally nothing of value. Add something ridiculous like the "risk of death," as if some of us are going to get out of our shared fate by not sleeping except at approved hours. Top it off with tons of ads and the usual insightful online commentators and you've got some news that you can't possibly use.

New research shows middle-age and older adults who take naps may be at an increased risk of dying.

Older people less healthy, study finds!

Man, I really have to get in on this lying scientist racket. Get tax dollars to point out the obvious, yeah. That ain't working, that's the way you do it, put out the worthless study at the univer-sit-tee.

Experts discovered naps were linked with an increased risk of dying from respiratory diseases.

We never actually find out who these "experts" are, but hey, I'm in this science rip-off con to get PAID, not for silly fame.

Longer naps were linked with an even higher risk, so people whose daily naps lasted an hour or more were 32 percent more likely to die.

The biggest risk would be taking an insanely long eight hour "nap" every night. He used to sleep. Now he's dead. Clearly these two pieces of data are connected. Plus, look at how sleep even resembles death! It was right there in our face, all the time. It took the good people at *string missing* Institute to finally get at the truth.

Experts say it may not be napping that's unhealthy, but rather, that those who tend to nap also have undiagnosed medical conditions that affect their risk of dying.

So the entire thing is intentionally misleading nonsense. No, you can't have that grant money back. Sorry.

Resolved: The bottom third of the "Drudge Report" is not a good source of lifestyle advice.

Many factors were considered for this study such as age, gender, body mass index and whether participants smoked and how often they exercised.

"We probably should have mentioned that five paragraphs ago."

Don't visit the spam-dominated source. http://www.myfoxdc.com/story/25319794/study-naps-linked-with-higher-risk-of-death#axzz2ziwN6whz   

Komment Korner

Color me shocked that people who are 65+ are more likely to die in the next 13 years.

I will take a nap if I feel like it. I do expect to die some day.

All people who eat food end up dying, therefore, food kills people.

... especially if the napper doesn't wake up!

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.