News You Can't Use: Scientists Plan DNA Hunt for Loch Ness Monster Next Month

If there's one good thing that came from the proliferation of camera phones, it's the destruction of goofy myths like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and politicians who actually care about you in any meaningful way. This almost offsets the thousands of negative aspects of living in a society where people take in reality through a filter that could also, at least theoretically, be used to make phone calls. Despite this, the "Nessie" true believers are not about to go quietly into the good night of "people like to make up stories and our five senses can be unreliable." No, we must scour every inch of Scottish water to find the shocking truth, namely "the results were inconclusive."

A global team of scientists plans to scour the icy depths of Loch Ness next month using environmental DNA (eDNA) in an experiment that may discover whether Scotland’s fabled monster really does, or did, exist. 

After spending millions, we found this old wine bottle.

The use of eDNA sampling is already well established as a tool for monitoring marine life like whales and sharks.

The technology is completely legit, even if its current deployment isn't.

Whenever a creature moves through its environment, it leaves behind tiny fragments of DNA from skin, scales, feathers, fur, faeces and urine.

Nature sure is disgusting, am I right? Pave over everything.

“This DNA can be captured, sequenced and then used to identify that creature by comparing the sequence obtained to large databases of known genetic sequences from hundreds of thousands of different organisms,” said team spokesman Professor Neil Gemmell of the University of Otago in New Zealand. 

I'm a little disappointed you didn't use the phrase "multiple organisms."

The first written record of a monster relates to the Irish monk St Columba, who is said to have banished a “water beast” to the depths of the River Ness in the 6th century.

How the Irish saved civilization. Using my monk powers I confined the creature to the water. Where it lives. No, really, I totally kicked its ass.

The most famous picture of Nessie, known as the “surgeon’s photo”, was taken in 1934 and showed a head on a long neck emerging from the water. It was revealed 60 years later to have been a hoax that used a sea monster model attached to a toy submarine.

Time for the surgeon to operate. *attaches two toys together for low-energy hoax*

Countless unsuccessful attempts to track down the monster have been made in the years since, notably in 2003 when the BBC funded an extensive scientific search that used 600 sonar beams and satellite tracking to sweep the full length of the loch.

Well, there's always room for one more good one.

I'm from a monastery, I'll handle this.

Gemmell’s team, which comprises scientists from Britain, Denmark, the United States, Australia and France, is keen to stress the expedition is more than just a monster hunt. 

We might learn a lot about fish excrement, but that's not how you convince a University to fund your monster hunt.

“While the prospect of looking for evidence of the Loch Ness monster is the hook to this project, there is an extraordinary amount of new knowledge that we will gain from the work about organisms that inhabit Loch Ness,” Gemmell said on his university website.

Unlike Murphy Lee, the lying scientists do need a fudging hook on this beat.

He predicts they will document new species of life, particularly bacteria, and will provide important data on the extent of several new invasive species recently seen in the loch, such as Pacific pink salmon.

When the pacific sends their salmon, they're not sending us their best, reveals study.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.