Wednesday, May 3, 2017

News You Can't Use: Fantasy Fan Transforms Himself into an ELF With £25,000 of Plastic Surgery

For most healthy people the dream of becoming an elf never makes it past the "Hector was pretty cool in that other movie, too" phase. For the less healthy it expresses itself in basement gaming, debating whether a "charm" spell can work on your Valley Elf with all the vigor and intensity of Lincoln-Douglas, or perhaps so-called "video games" that you can play on your television according to a news report from 1977 that just arrived here on my home planet yesterday. You might think there is no further step, no complete fairy tale Spock apotheosis and, of course, you're wrong. For several thousand pounds sterling it can all be real. Well, as real as anything gets these days, I suppose.

A fantasy fanatic has spent more than £25,000 on plastic surgery as he wants to become a real-life elf. 

If you have to sleep and get no bonuses to surprise rolls when you're alone in front of the rest of the party you're still not really an elf, sorry dude.

Luis Padron, 25, from Buenos Ares, Argentina, became obsessed with the world of elves, angels and fantasy beings after being bullied as a child.

I know, I thought this was dubious, too. Next we'll find out he was socially awkward.

He became determined to look like his favourite otherworldly characters and started bleaching his hair and skin.

Fake News Alert Fact Check: Elves are from the same world as humanity, not "otherworldly." Rating: pants on fire.

He now has a £4,000-a-month ritual applying specialist creams, dyes, treatment and SPF 100 sunscreen.

What a bodybuilder would become if you removed the actual lifting things up and putting them down.

Mr Padron gets unusual looks but says he doesn't care what people think and said he won't stop until he has fully 'transformed' into an elf.

Until I am allowed to multi-class and cast spells in armor, the battle for my rights must continue.

The 25-year-old, who sells cosplay merchandise, said: 'I want to be an elf, an angel and a fantasy being, my aim is to look inhuman, ethereal, graceful and delicate.

Good for you, son.

Hold on Gimli, I have to put my face on.

"I want to have my ears cut to become pointy like an elves, my jaw to look more sharp like a diamond, a face-lift and an eye-lift to give my eyes a cat-like shape."

I am extremely healthy psychologically.

"I am also considering having muscle implants too."

Awesome pics. Great sharp jaw and cat eyes. Look sylvan. Magical. Fey. Keep us all posted on your continued progress with any new progress pics or magical reflecting pool clips. Show us what you got elf. Wanna see how freakin' ethereal, graceful, pale and delicate you can get. Thanks for the motivation.

"There's also a surgery to make you taller and I will remove four of my ribs too, so that I can shape my waist to make it thinner."

Wait. Hold up. Are you saying there's a medical intervention for manlets?

He added: 'People have stared at me ever since I was a teenager, so it's very normal to me now. I like people staring at me and don't care what they think.

I'm the sane one and it's a sick society that needs to fix itself. Now if you'll excuse me I have a rib-removal surgery to get to.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner, Horrible Puns Edition 

Another one with mental elf problems

When I was younger, I wanted to be a cat.

Well I sure hope your are feline a lot better now ;) 

and soon to be available on (as others have said) the National Elf Service.

Snorts in mild contempt.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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