Wednesday, March 30, 2016

News You Can't Use: Soft-Drink Makers Have New Secret Ingredient: Sugar!

Anyone can come up with a new, bad idea that fails. However, it takes a special kind of genius who, after said failure, brings back the same old thing as if it's something special we've never seen before. If the above triteness has any truth to it, there's no greater advocate of this thinking than the producers of sugar water. Coca Cola Classic, anyone? Now, the latest exciting breakthrough in retrograde thinking is here in the form of sweet cane sugar instead of some corn-based science project. With this blast from the past bringing marginal decreases in the cancer and obesity vectors of bubble drink it's time to get excited over the retrograde progress.

Soft-drink makers have a new way to pitch their sweet beverages: They contain sugar.

It sure is nice to see sweet and healthy Vitamin S make the big comeback after the long national nightmare of alternative health-wreckers.

Boylan Bottling Co.’s line of a dozen soda flavors touts “cane sugar” in capital letters on the label. Puck’s fountain sodas, available at restaurant chains in Los Angeles and Washington, D.C., say they are made with “bagged sugar from cane.”

You know, that exotic miracle product that you can find piled up on the shelves of any grocery store.

The goal for soda companies is to spritz up fizzling soft-drink sales. The appeal: Sugar is natural.

It's therefore, logically, less deadly, just like naturally occurring cyanide.

“If you had asked me a few years ago, people were moving to diet sodas. Now they view real sugar as good for you,” PepsiCo’s chief executive Indra Nooyi told investors in a conference call last year.

You really have to wonder how moronic and out of touch with basic reality my typical customer is. Oh well, I'm gonna go swim in my money bin.

“They are willing to go to organic non-GMO products even if it has high salt, high sugar, high fat.”

We can profit handsomely from this pattern of societal idiocy. Gentlemen, to evil!

In grocery stores, new types of sweeteners are flooding the baking aisle, derived from dates, coconuts and monk fruit.

I used to be into drugs but now I'm into monk fruit. It's a much heavier trip, man.

A one-pound bag of Nutiva coconut sugar says it is an “organic superfood” made from coconut tree sap collected from cut flower buds.

Now we're going to have to petition the FDA to regulate what is and is not considered a "superfood."

Sales of sugar labeled “organic” rose 15% for the year ended Feb. 20, according to market-research firm Nielsen, while sales of sugar labeled “natural” rose 10.5%

A significant percentage of the world population is facing starvation, but we've got problems of our own, clearly.

Kathryn Martinez, a 28-year-old attorney in Pittsburgh, says she stopped drinking diet soda four years ago as she made an effort to eat a more plant-based diet.

I knew plenty of people in college that embraced a plant-based lifestyle, if you know what I'm sayin'.

By spooning in certain ingredients, companies are seeking to cater to younger consumers who are mindful of nutrition labels and don’t mind paying a little more.

"Mindful" is not a synonym for "understanding."

Sugar has a more rounded profile that lingers, he says, which is why it is sometimes used by pharmaceutical companies to mask the taste of medicine. “It has a broad sweetness profile,” he says.

Mary Poppins get the Devil Corporation Medical Science, Sweet Drinks and Chemical Weapons Division treatment.

Coca-Cola Co. declined to discuss its sugar plans other than to email: “We do have a large portfolio of brands…some sweetened with sugar and all created to meet different consumer needs,” said spokesman Scott Williamson.

You can still use it to clean metal, don't worry.

Nutritionists caution that more-natural ingredients don’t necessarily mean they are health foods.

Fortunately they're used to being ignored.

“These fancy sugars are fun to use, and may taste a bit different,” she says, “but use in moderation because they are still sugar.”

1 = 1 is still true, despite the long war waged against the basics of formal logic.

Full Story. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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