Sunday, March 20, 2016

News You Can't Use: Rise of the Synthetic-High Zombies

With the quick and tidy victory we've enjoyed in the War on Drugs, a war that was every bit as successful as you'd expect a conflict with an inanimate object or abstract concept to be, it's a little surprising that today's story involves dope-head zombies created by the deadly new designer compound "spice." Yes, spice. I know it sounds like something from a Walker: Texas Ranger episode of maybe that one special episode of 90210 (Brandon trips balls on spice and learns the value of the rational mind) but trust me, it's very real and it's leaving registered Democrats lying. Yeah, there's that part, too. Instead of trying to eat the flesh of the living or wander to a shopping mall driven by primal instincts these ghouls just collapse motionless, which really makes them more like an ordinary young person from Generation Nothing than the amazing rotting triathletes you see in your typical living corpse film.

Authorities in several Florida cities have seen an increase in emergency calls related to people being slumped over in a stupefied state, as they have overdosed on the dangerous drug known as spice, or synthetic marijuana.  

The fake victims of fake green, left slumped over after buying one of those semi-legal gas station packets located at the counter next to the hangover remedies. Now the nightmare of marijuana overdoses, which has already claimed millions of lives, spills over into its artificial but deadly cousin.

Police in Tampa say that more people than ever before are overdosing on the drug, as investigators in Clearwater say they've received dozens of calls for people who have had to be rushed to the hospital because of suspected spice use.

Numbers? It's a lot more than it used to be, that's for sure. Dozens of calls, societal collapse, the failure of those Arsenio Hall specials to prevent this, etc.

A disturbing photo from the Clearwater Police Department taken at Crest Lake Park shows two people slumped over and one person laying on the ground, as it's suspected they had used Spice. 

It's either that or some new god-awful punk young person fad. Either way, bad news.

Planking is so 2009, everyone's into table comas now.

In addition, a video taken at the same park on Wednesday by Major Eric Gandy of the Clearwater Police Department shows him trying several times to speak to unresponsive individuals about how long ago they had taken spice.  

Watch a civil servant get paid to have a one-sided conversation with ruined spice islanders.

'What's your name?' Gandy can be heard asking several times on the video. Eventually, one of the men responds by saying, 'my name?'

You better come down from your spaceship and land, son.

'The spike that we're seeing and my personnel are dealing with on the road are unprecedented,' Gandy told WFLA. 'Looked like one of our zombie movies.'

When hell is full the dead will lie around passively in public spaces, completely unresponsive.

'It's mainly the homeless people that are using this drug,' Freeland claims, as he believes they are using something stronger than spice called 'That Disney' or 'FloKKA'. 

Please talk to your kids about That Disney before someone else does.

'They go buy this drug with money that people give them and then go sit around our parks and other places.

Just another typical day under President Bernie Sanders.

'You wonder when somebody's going to have a heart attack and die from some of these substances.'

It's gotta cross your mind, dude. When are we gonna get that heart attack and death, I don't even know.

Authorities say they are trying to find a solution to the increase of spice-related cases, as they are teaming up to work on a solution to fix the problem.

Get ready for a series of animated commercials featuring a talking frog warning the people of the dangers of FloKKA.

Komment Korner  

It says to me that one is asleep leaning on the bench. The girl is leaning over and on her mobile.. and the one lay down is catching some rays... nothing wrong here....

You people are all up for people doing all kinds of dope, don't interfere, it's people's choice, bla bla bla.... except when you don't want it eh?

Passed out on drugs canal full of gators nearby, what could go wrong.

You know, sometimes after reading about all the crap that goes on in the world, I just want to move to Mongolia and live in a yurt.

That looks like me at my job everyday

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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