This [societal problem and/or example of nature gone crazy] is sort of like [popular movie franchise].
Packs of green iguanas are swarming seawalls, roaming yards and parks, and leaving a path of destruction and filth in their wake.
Whenever you feel down and hopeless just take solace in the fact that you're currently not being terrorized by heartless reptiles who have zero respect for your precious seawalls and parks.
Like a shot of espresso, the hot summer sun has stoked activity in the cold-blooded creatures, which experts say may be at record numbers.
Like an awkward simile this scaly plague is painful and annoying.
“This year is the most iguanas I’ve seen and I’ve been in business for nine years,” says Thomas Portuallo, owner of Fort Lauderdale-based Iguana Control.
I've been doing this for nine years, which is a long time, almost ten, and I can confirm that we are losing the Iguana control war that I foolishly volunteered for in my callow youth of nearly a decade ago.
The prehistoric populations are multiplying like rabbits, and causing internet, phone and power outages (barbecued lizard, anyone?), damaging landscapes, levees, seawalls, roofs and patios, and contaminating pools with poop.
Let's talk about how these critters have origins older than a few years ago (unlike their adversaries), mention the old lizard on a stick and maybe throw in some sort of reference to animal waste. Man, this journalism thing is a snap.
“There’s no real way to come up with a valid estimate of the number of green iguanas in Florida. But the number would be gigantic,” says Richard Engeman, a biologist for the National Wildlife Research Center.
We can't even get an ESTIMATE? Man, so-called science is thoroughly worthless. I have a doctorate in biology. The number is, like, totally huge, probably.
“You could put any number of zeros behind a number, and I would believe it.”
I mean, I went to college and nodded in bovine agreement while my professors were vomiting out one lie after another, so I'm not exactly the most rigorous thinker you'll ever meet.
In South Florida, iguanas are the second leading cause of power outages, behind squirrels. But that’s well behind power failures caused by vegetation, Beltran points out.
Before you get all nuts with your anti-iguana rhetoric let me remind you that lowly vegetation is the real criminal.
Grace DeVita, of Hollywood, says she can’t escape iguanas at home or work. A few months ago, internet and phone service at her office went down after iguanas climbed power lines and chewed through cables.
I tried hiding under my bed, but they were already there, waiting.
Get it? Haw haw!
“There was an iguana with a piece of wire hanging out of his mouth,” DeVita says. It took two days for power to be restored the first time, and then it happened again two days later.
We were defeated by herbivorous lizards. All that remains is discussing the terms of the surrender.
The creatures can grow up to five feet long and are fast on land and in water, making them difficult to catch. They have no natural predators.
There is literally no way you can win.
Komment Korner
They are so cute though!
We hired a company to get rid of over 60 iguanas a few years ago. They were doing a great job of riding us of the iguanas, until one employee was caught letting some of the iguanas out of the trap on purpose.
Here's how stupid the politicians are
I would bet 1 in 20 pellet gun shots is instantly fatal.
We have plenty of Canadians left to pay our taxes.
